Don't Ever Walk With a Stick

OH MY GOSH! You are not going to believe the day I just had. I was taking a walk during my lunch hour, like always. I always walk with a big walking stick. If the cops ask it's just to assist my walking, but really it's because a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to protect herself. It's not like we can really go through life waiting for some knight in shining armor to drop from the sky, and those cops are never around when you need them.
Anyway, I was walking along the sidewalk minding my own business when I heard this strange noise coming from the bushes at the side of the house I just past. I turned and saw this really creepy looking guy standing there. He asked me, "Hey little girl, do you want a lollipop?" Little girl? Who does this guy think he's talking to. I know he don't know me. Just as I opened my mouth to pop off something slick, I noticed that he had his penis in his hand.
OH I KNOW THIS PERVERT DIDN'T! I raised up my battle stick and for some reason I just yelled, AAAHHHHH!!! I don't have a clue why I did it. Seriously, I don't.
But apparently crazy understands crazy. The guy jumped and took off running down the street, ding-a-ling swinging. I just shook my head. 'What's this world coming to?'
I continued on with my walk and the next thing I know the cops pulled up next to me. They had the nerve to ask me why I had the sitck and did I threaten anyone with it. I tried to explain what happened but they wouldn't listen. Turns out that me walking with the stick is the same as me walking with a knife. It's considered a "deadly weapon." Well, they just would not listen to reason. I talked 'til I was blue in the face but it did no good. I guess I would have been alright had I been walking around with my genitals hanging out, but you better not be carrying a stick around.
Well, the cops handcuffed me and put me in the back of their car and took my but to county jail. My charge, Assault With a Deadly Weapon. Come on, I didn't even hit that guy, I just yelled at him. Honest. So anyway, Dad, can you please come bail me out?