Musical Parody of Academic Life

Selected Parodies for “My (Un)Fair Scholar”
To various tunes from “My Fair Lady”

I. David Schwartz 2008
“I Could Have Danced All Night”

I could write grants all night
I could write grants all night
And still could write some more

I’ll pen a herd of things
Amen for word-processing
I want a brilliant score

I must complete
2 dozen more pages
With one delete
I’d have a plight

Shall we defend all this
Sal’ry depends on this
I must write grants, grants, grants, all night


I could write grants all night
Be in a trance all night
My goal is all that dough

To win an R -O-1
Or spin a foundation
And all that they’d bestow

I must supply
My graphs and legends
And then apply
To six more sites

If I were just tenured
With such a trust assured
‘Til then its grants, grants, grants, all night!


“Wouldn’t It Be Loverly”

All I want is a great post-doc
Who I can flaunt all around the clock
As smart as Mr. Spock
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly

One whose visa is not at risk
Who won’t get pizza spots on discs
Speaks English, I insist
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly

Oh, so loverly it would be as she worked-on-my-behalf
She’d be only in my lab
No sharing with other staff

Lots of papers I guarantee
I’d display them on my C.V.
10 years ‘til she’s set free
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly
Loverly
Loverly
Loverly

Wouldn’t it be loverly

“The Rain in Spain”

It’s plain the main brain drain maintains a strain

[Again]

It’s plain the main brain drain maintains a strain
The brain drain strain is plainly just profane

Though staff has oft complained
It’s insane, it’s insane
They cannot be retained
‘Cause funding’s been slain

It’s plain the main brain drain maintains a strain
My disdain I plainly cannot feign



“The Street Where You Live”

I have often paced
Down this floor before
And in my haste, I’ve raced
Right past my corridor

“Tho I reside alone
I wouldn’t mind a clone
‘Cause it’s here in the lab where I live

Students shuffle by
They don’t notice me
‘Cause the last I passed a class
Was 1983

I don’t seek out wealth
And I’m weak in health
‘Cause it’s here in the lab that I live

And oh! The hours spent reading
My journals both apt and obscure
And oh! The shower I’m needing
I’ve learned all that the post-docs can endure

Colleagues come and go
They get better jobs
They drive their bawdy Audis,
Beamers, Rolls, and Saabs

If I could re-a-lize
Just 1 Nobel Prize
‘Til then it’s here in the lab where I’ll live







“You Did It” (A Duet?)

The paper’s through submit it, submit it, submit it
A caper you’ve committed
Such a feat to do

‘Lectronic’ly transmit it, transmit it, transmit it
Leave it for the Editors’
Complete review

“You should get a medal for all the fervor you’ll incite”
“It was nothing. Really nothing”

“Ev’ry day you typed away and also ev’ry night”

“Now, wait! Now, wait!
My colleague here was missed
My PC did certainly assist”

But you're the one who did it, who did it, who did it!
Devoted as Columbus
Or a football squad alumnus
There's no doubt about it now
Quick, submit it!

While scrut-in-izing ev’ry word
Analyzing undeterred
The manuscript was polished up to send

A nap you grabbed, most sleep was lost
Each ‘t’ was dabbed, each ‘i’ was crossed
A masterpiece right up through the end

Each ref-er-ence you did check twice
Employing the spell check device
With your engaging flair and teaching style

And as the editors critique the
Paper’s findings
Accepting Reviewers comments with a smile…

They’ll say no need to edit, to edit, to edit
Any change would be aesthetic
It reads so damn poetic
And such honors will accrue
And you
Get credit!

-to be completed-


And now that you have said it, the credit, you’ll get it
No need now to sweat it. We look for volume 2
You collected all the data, your CV, you’ve padded
Once historians have read it
No worry for swell head it’s
All because of you!


“Get Me to the Church on Time”

I’ve got a lecture in the morning
That’s just the time I’ve been assigned
I’ve-employed enthralling graphics!
So avoid all the traffic!
To-let-me-show research on time!

I’ll present my findings in the morning
They’ll love my Methods and Design
Be awed at my summation
Applaud with elation
Let-me-show research on time

‘Cause I am certain
My data’s strong
I’m just alertin’
That I’ll go on and on

I’ve got to be there in the morning
Spruced up and looking in my prime
The Dean authorizes
Bring me my prizes
And-let-me-show research
I’m really on the verge
For Gawd's sake, let me show research on time!

I’ll be harried in the morning
Rushed and flushed but you bet how I’ll shine
They’ll since be anointing
Me-Prince-of-Power-Pointing
Let-me-show research on time

Not frettin’ or worried in the morning
‘Though-my-rivals-will-queue-in-a-line
They’ll-elucidate-their-questions
Refuse-to-make-suggestions
But I’ll show my research on time

For truth and knowledge
I move on forward
Life at this college
Is hardly a reward

So I’ll be recruited in the morning
To Yale, Harvard, Duke, and Pepperdine
Where-I’ll-ignore underclassmen
Bore and harass them
They’ll let me do research
I’ve really got the urge
For Gawd’s sake let me do research all-the-time