Glory Wasted; Mercy Found

What do I miss the most?

Is it the colors? Or the tastes? The never ending facination with Creation as it was?

No, I don't miss those the most. I treasure those memories, happy that even for a brief moment of my life I was able to take part in that beauty.

What I miss most is the love. Not love as it is now in this world. Selfish and shallow. The love I miss I will never feel again until I have finished my days on this earth. Don't mistake me, that love hasn't died, it is still strong and is still very much there, but my capacity to appreciate it, to feel it, is no longer the same. I am selfish now, as all the world is and my capacity to love is no longer the vast expanse it was before. I miss the joy, the completeness of that love. Love, as it was in the beginning. To explain it simply, that love is my Creator. It is what He is, it is the core, or rather, the everything of His being. It is why He made me. He had love and He wanted to share. I can no longer feel that love in the way it was intended because of my own actions. And it was that Love who saved me from myself at the end of Eden.

Memories are all that I have left of Eden. And trust me, I remember everything about my Eden, my paradise. Memories from the moment I opened my eyes as if from a deep sleep, to the moment I closed them in shame. Every day I think about what life was like in the Garden, and every day my heart breaks for what could have been.

My eyes fluttered open. I was instantly greeted with new waves of forms and colors that, as I blinked rapidly, started to take shape. Towering trees loomed above me, casting silvery shadows over the vast ground below them. Soft sunlight trickled through their crowns, and the leaves glistened as the wayward breeze showed off the morning dew. My breath caught in my throat as I explored all the new things around me. it was called "Eden" my Creator declared, and it was to be mine.

I sprang up. The dirt and grass gently tickled my feet as I went from one foot to the next. Energy filled me and I started to walk, but rapidly that walk turned into a thrilling run. Trees, rocks, flowers and unnamed animals flew past me as I bounded east, toward the middle of the Garden. Pulses of adrenaline flooded my veins. My arms and legs pumped and my lungs breathed the air evenly. I felt as if I was in the air, going faster and higher than the winged creatures above me. I now miss these runs, my body can no longer go the distances it used to during these fleeting moments.

The sky above enveloped me with its bright, morning colors. It welcomed me warmly with the sun. A balmy sweat covered my skin as the sun grew hotter, something I would not be bothered by until after Eden. I brought my hand to my nose and smelled the pungent odor that was my body. In an impulse, I licked my palm. A salty taste invaded my mouth, and I tried to swallow the flavor, but found I could not. My pulse was still running inside of me, so I joined in the race again. Gradually, as I drew nearer to my destination, I slowed. Calming my steps, I reached the very essence of the Garden.

God met me there, in a soft breeze, and stayed with me through the night. He warned me not to eat of the two trees that were the focal point of the garden, simply because I would die. I complied with His instruction and didn't even veer toward them out of curiosity. All evening He listened to me as I named the animals and praised Him for their colors and intricate designs. They were breathtaking. Many of them I have yet to see again, and I doubt I ever will.

I felt Him watch me that night, but not like I always felt Him watching me. This was more obvious, as if He laid out beside me, watching me closely as I slept. Sleeping at this time was not something I needed to do, but was something I desired. I loved to dream especially, and I now feel that my dreams then were the closest to the Heaven that I have yet to experience. I no longer have these dreams.

I woke abruptly that next morning, a strange noise had awoken me: laughter. Not God's gentle, thundering laughter, as He was always humoring Himself over some new outcome of His Garden, but a higher pitched, melodious... giggle. I opened my eyes to a pair that exceeded my own. They were large, with a mixture of colors that are yet to be seen again on this earth. Beautiful, perfect eyes, which accented a petite, button nose, and full, amorous lips, designed on a delicate, oval face. Her hair cascaded down Her shoulders and back in luxurious tendrils that were the color of freshly turned up soil. her shape was very unlike my own broad, squared off limbs. She was ample, with curves developing every inch of her body. I turned toward God and He smiled and said that she was built from one of my ribs. I laughed; this beautiful creature came from something that was a part of my body? He nodded; she was for me. She was there to keep me company, to be my wife and loyal companion. I didn't know what to do with her! The first thought that came to my mind was to give her a name, something to be called by. So, like I did with the rest of the creatures in the Garden, I stood and announced that she was now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; that she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man. My announcement set her off in another fit of giggles, a sound that I will never grow weary of hearing.

The next day and days after we spent all our time together, Eve and I. I introduced her to all the animals, and admired the look of awe in her eyes as she was swept away by the greatness of her Creator. Whenever she did something new, her whole face became excited. Her round eyes would grow wide with delight and her mouth would curve in a previous smile that made her features flow. One day we stumbled upon the river that flowed through the Garden and in a wave of excitement she grabbed my hand and drew me into the cool water. Our hearts beat with the rhythm of the rippling water; this was new for both of us. The water was almost clear, but at the same time it was the very color of the sky as it flowed further away from me. I could see the sandy bottom and watched as small fish played around my ankles. She tried to catch one of them, to feel it, but the fish were too slippery. Needless to say, that didn't stop my determined wife. Her spring-like laughter rang out as she toppled into me and we both fell into the flowing river.

Almost more than anything, Eve loved to talk to the animals. They would gather about her among the center trees, one of her favorite places in the Garden, and they would listen to her as she called them each by name and she also would listen to their thoughts. She loved to hear of their lives in Eden. How the gopher loved to burrow in the dirt and the fact that it was dark underground. How the serpent liked the feel of the bark on the bottom of his feet as he climbed to the tops of the trees. How the giraffe treasured the sight of the sunrise and the peace he felt at sunset. There was always something to learn for her, it was all an adventure. She was carefree, even before there was anything to be carefree about. During the times she spent with the animals, I would spend with God, walking around the gathering creatures and listening to glimpses of their stories as the Creator told me His own. He told me of His favorite places in Eden and would take me to them, share with me the joy of his Creation. I felt like Eden had no boundry, and at the time I don't think it really did. The boundry came up when we were no longer a part of the Garden. That frightening guard with his sword of fire was definitely not a part of the Eden I knew then.

The Eden then had a meadow if you climbed up the rocks on the north side, near the river. Eve was climbing above me, her arms stretched to grab the next holding and boosted her self easily up the side of the steep incline. My own fingers fumbled to grab onto the jutting rocks and my feet would stick in the crevices. She giggled as she looked down on me from the top, but it didn't take long for me to join her. There were no trees and just a smattering of bushes huddled along the edges of the meadow. The grass was thinned with dirt and rock by the cliff, but then grew full and lush as it went on. My wife instantly sank to her knees when she felt the soft padding of the thick grass. Her long fingers grazed delicately over the tops of the blades. I stood next to her and just watched, enjoying the feeling of the grass tickling my legs. She was beautiful and beyond my favorite Creation. I loved to climb trees with the monkey's, wrestle with bears, and run with the deer; But, in my heart, all I wanted was to be with her. Her eyes told me so much more than her words ever could. She was so expressive and literally glowed with delight at everything. Like right now, all she was doing was feeling the texture of the grass and she was enraptured. I picked a blade and stretched it between my thumbs to make a whistle and I brought it up to my lips. She looked at me curiously and I just smiled before I blew hard against my thumbs. The long, high pitched shrill surprised my wife, but her curiosity made her eyes sparkle and she was instantly at my side wanting to learn how to whistle like the birds. Her nose crinkled and her eyes crossed endearingly as she concentrated on straightening the blade between her fingers. After a deep breath her cheeks blew out comically on her first fumbled try. In Eden my wife didn't know the meaning of 'giving up' but after several tries a short but strong note filled the air. She bubbled over with laughter and did it again, and again, calling the birds to her. She whistled until she surrounded herself with them, sitting cross legged on the ground. The hopped over her, nestled in her hair and around her neck. She made sure to call each of their names as they chattered at her and to give them a rub on their heads before they flew away. She bounced to her feet and pranced to me, her legs moving gracefully like the deer who had joined us in the meadow. She quickly wrapped her arms around my body and pressed herself against me to show her happiness. Her skin was warm and soft and I realized that, aside from watching her, feeling her was one of my favorite things in the Garden. I loved to have my fingertips dance over her soft body, and to have my arms hold her close.

On this night we stayed in the meadow until the sun began to set. I was sitting on the ground with my legs spread out and Eve was curled up between them, her knees were pulled up to her chin and her back pressed against my chest. We were breathing in tandem, our hearts beating as one as we watched the colors of the sky alight as the sun faded beneath the horizon. The air was cool as it tousled our hair. Our nostrils were filled with a sweet, ambrosial aroma as the fragrance of the flowers and berries near by carried themselves on the breeze. Eve sighed with comfort and turned herself around so the side of her head was pressed against my chest and her arms were wrapped snuggly around my waist. One of her legs twisted with my own while the other curled up close to her. I long for those days of comfort again, to the ease of fitting ourselves together. These things were like breathing to us when we were in Eden, simple and automatic.

Suddenly, Eve gasped in awe. She quietly pulled herself away and crouched in front of me, her colorful eyes focused on something I could not see. But, then I saw it. A bright green light flashed by my arm and Eve's eyes widened. She drew closer to where it appeared, but suddenly another green flash illuminated further away from us than before. She pounced at it like a cat, but it was quicker and flashed behind her. I drew close to her and motioned for her to be quiet. I waited for it to flash again before I start to tip toe toward it until after several flashes I was able to pinpoint where it was going to be next. My wife followed close behind and watched as I carefully cupped my hands over the light. Eve bit her lip in anticipation as she tried to peek at the creature that I held. I could feel it's tiny wings beat and it's small legs twitch against my palm. The green light flashed rapidly and glowed brightly in all gaps, reminding me of the suns rays through the clouds. Eve said it reminded her of the stars that came out at night and wanted to take the bug in her hands so she could watch it closer. I carefully let it go as she simultaneously encompassed her fingers around it, delight shining in her features. As she was studying the starfly bug she became distracted by another flash, and then another, and soon the meadow was filled with the winged light bugs just like the one she was holding. She lifted her hand and let her prize go to join its family.

She wrapped her arm around me and in awe and praise for our Creator we watched silently as the stars above us, and the stars that joined us in the meadow, twinkled joyfully.

That night was our last night in the Garden. Our thoughts were pure for the last time, not numbed by 'rights' and 'wrongs' or thoughts of our ill doings, but filled with God and the world that surrounded us.

The next morning, my wife woke before me. She brushed her lips across mine in a short, sensuous kiss; leaving them and the rest of my body in appealing tingles. I could smell her hair as it brushed across my face and the light, rosy scent wafted around me. She caressed my cheek with the back of her smooth hand and softly whispered in my ear that she was going to bring me breakfast. I kissed the palm of her hand in return and turned over on our bed of flowers, sending a wave of sweet perfume to my nose. Minutes later, another smell was enticing my senses: a new fruit.

She handed me the round delicacy, her eyes saying something that I was incapable of reading. Something had happened as she went looking for breakfast, and for the life of me I could not grasp what it was. Her eyes seemed different, almost vacant and at the same time full of... knowledge. The colors in them seemed to fade to a duller, less transfixing shade. She ushered for me to go ahead and taste, persuading me into taking a small bite. She exclaimed that the other fruit didn't compare to the fruit of the middle tree and that my eyes would be opened to a whole other world!

Ignoring the warnings in my head about what God had cautioned me not to do, I looked into the eyes of my lover and sunk my teeth into the juicy fruit. Several new experiences overtook my senses at once. The tartness of the fruit, the fuzzy texture of its cool skin and the refreshing taste of its juices enveloped me, but something different entered my mind: a new wave of unknown emotions. I took another bite. I opened my eyes to show my wife how much I was enjoying her gift, but I didn't see her. I looked around and found her hiding behind a tree. As I drew near she pressed herself closer to the trunk. She demanded that I not take one more step. I stopped, she had never demanded anything before. I quickly asked 'why' when my curiosity overtook me. She sighed, and slid out from her hiding place. My mouth dropped as I looked at her anew. She was naked, she said. No longer was I able to look at her purely, so I dropped my eyes from her body and turned around. Naked. I looked down and immediately discovered that my own body was also naked and I could feel a warm blush crawl up my neck and ears. Why was I naked? If God saw me this way, what would He think? I shuddered in my shame.

I hid in the bushes beside the tree that my wife was covering herself with and fashioned large, green fig leaves together to cover our embarrassing parts. We sat against the tree. Our arms wrapped around each other in comfort when we heard the sound of our Creator as He strolled through the Garden at dusk. He called out for me and shakily I staggered my way toward Him; my shuddering wife trailing behind me. When He saw our makeshift clothing I could see sadness in His eyes. He asked who it was that told us we were naked. And then inquired whether we had eaten from the tree that He had commanded us not to eat from.

I knew God. I knew that He didn't have to ask such brutal questions, for He already knew the answers. However, I also knew that He wanted us to admit of our wrongdoing. My voice staggered as my eyes pleaded with Him, begging Him for understanding. I told him that the woman He put here with me gave me some fruit from the tree, and that I had eaten it.

He turned to my wife. His eyes burned into her, beseeching her for the reason as to why we disobeyed.

She hid half of her body behind my own in shame, and shook as she whimpered about how it was the serpent who decieved her. He had told her that we would not die as God had said, but that we would know as He knew! Tears began to fill up her once lively eyes.

Disappointment filled His features as He looked off into the distance, past the tree, beyond the horizon as if He was looking on over some impending circumstance. A tear cascaded down His cheek as He turned away from us. We were now as He was and knew the difference between 'good' and 'evil'. He sighed remorsefully as He cursed us. He cursed us with feeling the burden of the heat and the stickiness of sweat. We were cursed with work, with blood, and with tears. We could now sense bitter- and rottenness, not only in the food that we ate, but also in ourselves.

He fabricated us clothing from the animals; animals that I had loved and named! He banished us from the Garden of Eden, placing at the entrance a monumental angel. The angel was so breathtaking and yet so frightening that I couldn't even look at its elaborate features. It held a flaming sword to warn anyone who stumbled upon the Garden away. Not away from what He had given us, but away from the chance that we might also take from the Tree of Life, which would cause us to live forever on earth with our sin; having no option to die and bask in Heaven's glory.

I took heart to that. He loved us so much that He wanted us to have a chance to live and be with Him again in Heaven.

Now, years later, I dwell over this. I long to be back there with my wife. Back when we were free from this oppression that I now feel. Back in the river, playing around; becoming enthralled by the creations of our Heavenly Father.

Unfortunately, I have seen many things on this atrocious land: stealing, lying, hatred, lust, and murder... all by my very own children right before my eyes. I witness everyday the sons my wife bore destroy the precious land and bodies that God has given them, and every day I cry right along with Him.