CYOA: You are SBAllen - Part 3

ACT 1

A V-22 Osprey flies over the ocean in the dead of night. The target: a small island. Onboard, you put on your superpowered nanosuit along with your four comrades: _CARLOX_, Martin_Keamy, Rod_Blagojevich, and Ramsus32. "Alright team," you explain, "we're going in deep, hard, fast, and several other sexual adjectives. Our objectives are simple: determine if North Korea is really planning a nuclear strike against Hawaii, and rescue two journalists captured by the Koreans. We'll be parachuting in under their radar, so get ready. Once on the ground, we'll meet up with Lieutenant Evan, codename ElvinKirby, and Lieutenant BlueMonk, as well as Sergeants Kassie and Hermiione. Everyone ready?" Before you jump, you quickly check GameFAQs, specifically CE. You find dozens of fad topics and mod them all, suspending every user because you feel like abusing your power. Then, completely silently, each one of your teammates runs down the ramp and leaps out of the Osprey thousands of feet in the air. As you fall, you each activate your parachutes and land relatively near each other. "Alright team. Our first objective is to neutralize that radar jammer so we can make contact with Lt. Evan and the others."

You and your teammates enter cloak mode, turning invisible except for the slight diffraction of light through yourselves. You creep up to the signal jammer, a large green box with a dish on top. You access the controls, press a few buttons, and the jammer deactivates. "Allen! This is Evan!" says ElvinKirby over your radio. "Thanks for disabling that jammer. You need to rendezvous with us at the abandoned warehouse about a click west of your position." You acknowledge the request. You radio in to the V-22 Osprey. "Big Bird, we're going to need some aerial transport here. LZ is cool." Within minutes, the Osprey arrives, landing slowly in the field. You and your teammates pile on, and the Osprey flies a bit farther and deposits you outside the warehouse. Evan comes walking out, followed by BlueMonk, Kassie, and Hermiione. All are heavily armed. "Glad you could make it, Allen," Evan says as your team approaches. Suddenly, you hear a soft whooshing, followed by the appearance of an F-16 fighter jet. "Those must be the reinforcements. But they're early and we're in a hot zone. What are they doing? And why is there only one?" Suddenly, it dawns on you. "Everyone get down!" you scream, but not before the jet fires a missile at the warehouse, destroying it.

You run over to Hermiione and make sure she's okay. "I'm fine, Allen," she says as she stands up. Everyone gets to their feet as the hostile F-16 lands in the field...and arms, legs, and other body parts begin appearing from within. "It's Starscream!" Evan shrieks as the giant robot stands upright. Just as Starscream prepares to fire another missile, the V-22 Osprey that dropped you off starts transforming as well. The Osprey lunges at Starscream and tackles him into the remains of the warehouse. You watch the massive battle in awe. Starscream slashes the Osprey across the face, then kicks him into the trees. The Osprey lunges to its feet and tackles Starscream, nearly crushing your team. A small North Korean patrol arrives and witnesses the epic fight before being smashed beneath Starscream's girth. You see a helicopter landing in a field and start to approach it when it transforms into Blackout, who rushes the Osprey from behind. You watch helplessly as Starscream and Blackout rip the Osprey apart. Suddenly a blue and red shape jumps from the bushes. "It's Optimus!" Kassie shouts. Optimus kicks Starscream in the crotch, then backhands Blackout. "Come on, friends!" Optimus yells. Your team and Evan's squad leaps onto his shoulders.

"This is SBAllen, we need some reinforcements here now!" you yell into your radio as Optimus duels Starscream and Blackout. Suddenly Ironhide drops from the sky and lands on Blackout, ripping his propeller flail from his arm. "Did I miss anything?" he asks. "Just in time, Ironhide!" Optimus laughs as he uses his energon blade to stab Blackout through the face. Like a scaredy cat, Starscream transforms and flies off. "Thanks for the help," you say to Optimus and Ironhide. "Now, where should we go?" Optimus asks. "To the missile dump!" you say to Optimus. He walks you through the jungle for about an hour until you reach a cliff looking over a military complex. You take your binoculars and zoom in. Sure enough, you see racks of missiles. You take some photos and relay them to your superiors. "Yeah, those look like nukes," Evan says, "I can tell by some of the markings and because I've seen a lot of nukes in my time." "This is as far as I go. I don't want to accidentally set those warheads off if there's a fight," Optimus says. You thank him for the help.

ACT 2

"Alright, let's get this show on the road," you say. "Evan, lead your team over the fence and enter stealthily. My team will enter by the road and draw their fire if they see you. Now, who's going in first?" "I'll go first," says Keamy, a military man himself. He holds his assault rifle close as he crawls into the camp, hiding behind a crate. He loads a sleep dart into his customizable rifle and fires it into the neck of a nearby trooper. He then pulls the trooper over and steals his uniform before waltzing into camp; somehow a burly white American man is unnoticed by the dozens of Korean troops. Suddenly, one soldier points at him in surprise. Keamy tenses, then the soldier says..."look at that guy! He's ripped!" As the soldiers swarm around him checking out his physique, the rest of your squad sneaks in. "I figure we'll get more info if we hack the KPA military network," you say. Blago, having experience with illegal activities, goes over and examines a laptop in a trailer. He presses some keys. "Apparently these missiles are due to be shipped out within the hour. We have to act quickly." You see Evan's team sneaking over to the other side of the base as the soldiers swoon over Keamy. You also see the ship onto which the missiles are to be loaded.

"Alright men. Let's get onboard that ship," you whisper. Your team sneaks across the compound to the ship. Carlox silently knocks the guard out and you board the ship. Ramsus starts placing C4 charges on the bridge connecting the ship to the port. Suddenly, Keamy runs away from the guards, causing them to notice your team. "Hey! Who are they?" they yell, conveniently speaking English. "Uh...we're white men coming to harass and destroy your country?" Blago says. "Don't lie! Who are you really?" yells a KPA soldier. Keamy jumps onboard the ship, followed by Evan, BlueMonk, Kassie, and Hermiione. As the boat starts to pull away, Ramsus prepares to board. Then a KPA soldier fires a shot and misses him...hitting the C4 instead. A massive explosion knocks everyone to the deck of the boat, and when you look up...Ramsus's body is floating with the bridge's wreckage in the water. "No!" you yell in terror at the death of the comrade you've known for a whole hour. But with his death, the boat sets out to sea without the KPA. Having nothing else to do as the boat sails quietly along the seas, Evan suddenly stands up and yells "I'M ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME CAUSE I'M SAILING ON A BOAT!" Everyone else chimes in. "I'M ON A BOAT! I'M ON A BOAT! TAKE A--" Suddenly shots ring out, and you look up to see the captain holding a pistol. "Pistols are for sissies!" you shout, and the captain, realizing he's massively outnumbered, drops his gun. You order Carlox and Blago to take the captain hostage and lock him up. You turn down the lights and Evan smacks his head into the table, Batman-style. "WHERE IS HE?!?" screams Evan. "Who?" the captain asks. "Oh, I mean, where are you taking these missiles?" The captain averts his eyes. "I'll never tell you!" You tell the rest of your men to leave the room. Evan looks to you. "Allen, I advise we use...alternate methods."

You pull out a crotch flail like the one used in Casino Royale. "Where are you taking these missiles?" The captain says nothing but starts sweating. You smack him right in the Kim Jong-ils. "Where are you taking these missiles?!" you yell louder. He says nothing. You whack his berries harder. "WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THESE MISSILES?" Suddenly Evan points out that you can just examine the route on the computer. "They're taking them to a small naval base near Hawaii. And they're going to fire them within an hour of getting there!" "Sorry captain," Keamy says, drawing his pistol. "Wait! We'll throw him overboard. That way he might live. Emphasis on might," you suggest. Keamy reluctantly grabs the captain and chucks him over the side of the ship. "So did anyone actually consider what we do once we get there?" BlueMonk asks. "Uh...we could disguise ourselves again," Kassie says. "Alright. We'll disguise ourselves as popular celebrities," you say. As the ship pulls into port, you disembark, dressed as Paris Hilton. "Look! The boat has arrived!" one guard says. "CNN hasn't confirmed it," the other guard responds. "Wait, why is Paris Hilton on that boat? And Lil Wayne? Samuel L. Jackson? Tom Cruise? And is that Michael.....Richards?" The two guards stand confused as your ensemble waltzes onto the dock. "Uh...hi, I'm Paris!" you say in your convincingly womanly voice. Evan, dressed as Samuel L. Jackson, glares at the guards threateningly. "You big stars! You can go through!" the guards say. You pass by and wait as the guards slowly bring the missiles off the boat. Then, amidst the gathering, you see Kim Jong-il himself. Kim examines the missiles and then approaches. "Ah! Paris Hilton! I've always wanted to do this!" he says before decking you in the face.

ACT 3

You wake up to find yourself in a dark room. In the darkness, with no one around, and the world nearly about to end, you do the only reasonable thing: drop your pants and go at it. Suddenly the lights turn on and Hermiione is standing there. "Uh...this isn't what it looks like..." Hermiione shakes her head. "Who cares, we have like twenty minutes to stop those missiles! Evan freed himself and he freed all of us, and we're outside fighting the KPA. Come on!" You decide to creep out to the dock, where Kim Jong-il is barking out orders to his men. You see your team, Evan's team, and the KPA dueling it out, ducking behind shipping crates for cover. One soldier throws a grenade that lands right next to Evan; Blagojevich runs forward and shoves Evan out of the way as the grenade explodes. "No!" you yell as the former Illinois representative hits the ground bleeding. As he dies, Keamy says "Anyone want to sell his position to the highest bidder?" before getting smacked in the head by Evan. Suddenly, you notice Kassie and BlueMonk being cornered by soldiers. Since you're already pinned down, you choose to take cover with Evan, Hermiione, Keamy, and Carlox. You chuck another grenade at a conveniently placed explosive barrel, which blows up the KPA soldiers advancing on BlueMonk and Kassie. Suddenly, you hear Kim Jong-il yell "Everyone lower their weapons!"

"Okay, can we negotiate here?" you ask. Kim nods. "Let the American speak." "Okay, what do you guys want?" Kim thinks. Suddenly, the jet fighter behind him transforms into Starscream. "Michael Bay! We want him! He made us look like sissies!" Kim shakes his head. "No. We want something else. Something locked away for hundreds of years. The key to the Internet." Evan scratches his head. "If the Internet is only 40something years old, how can the key be..." "No. The Internet has been around forever. Only recently have humans unlocked its power." "Alright! Alright! We'll find the key for you. Where is it?" Kim laughs. "That's the problem. We don't know where it is. Only one man knows, and that man is the President of the United States. We've been distracting him with these missiles to make him heed our demands, but he's not falling for it." "So what do you want us to do? Ask him for it?" Kim laughs again. "No, American fool. I want you to kidnap him and we'll...'ask' him for it ourselves." "Hold on. Why do you even need this key to the Internet?" you ask. "Because when you control the Internet you control information. We could spread a lie across the entire world in seconds and have everyone believe it with fabricated evidence. And that's just the beginning. If you help us you might even get some of the rewards. What do you say?" Evan whispers in your ear: "if we agree we can just warn Obama and not kidnap him."

"Alright. We'll do it," you say. Kim loads your team on a stealth airplane. "We'll be watching you. If you try to do anything funny, we'll attack you," he explains. Onboard the plane are ten guards. They're watching you, but their guns aren't raised. Without warning, you rush forward, knocking the guards to their feet. You grab their rifles and knock them out cold. Then, BlueMonk sneaks into the cockpit and kills the pilots, then takes the controls. Just to be mean you throw the unconscious guards out the back of the plane. "So, where to, boys? We need to land somewhere in DC," BlueMonk says, happy to be back in the driver's seat. "The Jefferson Memorial, probably least populated," you say as the plane flies over the US. Suddenly, you see two blips on the radar. "We have missiles incoming! DC is restricted airspace, those Korean *****es knew we'd hijack the plane and get blown up!" BlueMonk swerves the plane down low and nearly rams the Washington Monument. "I'm too atheist to be a radical religious terrorist!" you scream as you try to avoid blowing something up. One of the missiles skims the top of the Washington Monument and blows up, but the second missile blows straight along the side of your plane's wing. You hear alarms and see BlueMonk struggling with the controls, and then everything goes black, again.

ACT 4

You wake up in the fiery wreckage of the plane, out in a field in northern Virginia a few miles south of DC. You see BlueMonk and Hermiione trying to wake Kassie up while Evan and Carlox are standing over you, apparently having revived you. Keamy is laying facedown in the wreckage. "Alright, who is it that gave me CPR?" you ask. Evan raises his hand. "Yeah," Carlox sneers, "a new form of CPR that involves tongue." You stare in horror as Evan shrugs. "Sorry man, you bore a weird resemblance to Christina Hendricks laying there all alone and--" You slap him in the face and wander over to Keamy. "He's gone, man," BlueMonk says. Everyone stops and watches as Hermiione gives Kassie CPR. "Can she use that new tongue CPR too?" you ask. "Carrrlos...I mean, Alllllen!" everyone yells. Finally Kassie awakens. You then see several vehicles stopping by the side of the road to see the crash. You decide to hail a sorority bus as it passes by. The door opens and some hot chick appears. "Hey, you guys hitchhikers?" "Uh, yeah, that's definitely not our plane over there," says BlueMonk. "Alright, come on in!" says the girl. Your group boards the bus and sees a dozen hot girls partying. "I thought this only happened in fictional stories that show poorly represented stereotypical depictions of college women!" says Evan, apparently unaware he is currently in a fictional story that shows a poorly represented stereotypical depiction of college women. "Where you guys headed?" asks one of the girls. "Uh, Washington DC. We need to pretend to kidnap Barack Obama in order to prevent World War III," you say. "Wow! That's so sexy!" says one of the girls.

"Hey babe!" you say to a random sorority chick on the bus. "I'm really wired. Whaddya say I take you home and eat--" Suddenly, the entire bus shakes as chunks of the road go flying. "Was that a missile?" asks one girl. Two girls inexplicably start making out for no reason whatsoever. A jet flies overhead. "Dammit! Starscream is the ultimate ****block!" you scream at the top of your lungs. The jet transforms into Starscream and he lands in the street. "Something's fishy about this bus, and it isn't the chicks inside!" he laughs as he searches the windows for your group. "You two! Make out! Quick!" you whisper to two chicks. They quickly start sucking face and Starscream notices through the window. "Whoa, I better record this stuff! We Decepticons need some 'amusement' once in a while too...why do you think we keep Megan Fox around?" As he watches, your team sneaks out the back of the bus and heads down the road. "DC's still a mile away," you say, "we've got some walking ahead of us." Eventually, you reach the outskirts of the city, where the night life is thriving. Suddenly, you see a group of tough looking guys approach you. "Salutations, my urban acquaintances!" you say in a pleasant tone. "It was of my interest that we could exchange amicable information in a helpful manner that would assist us in gathering the required parties at a location previously unknown to you. This required party is President Barack Hussein Obama II, and his presence is required to avoid nuclear catastrophe caused by aggresive entities in the Korean peninsula. Will you assist in this matter?" The boys look at you for several seconds before one silently points in the direction of the White House. "Thank you, benefactors! Your assistance is greatly appreciated!" As you approach the White House, you realize you need a plan.

As night falls on the White House, you sneak up to the fence. Next to you are Evan and Carlox. You use special Michael Bay-brand "bull****" binoculars to magically detect the energy source of the alarm system, and fire an EMP at it, disabling it. You hop the fence and sneak across the lawn. You see a sniper on the roof, but he's facing the other way; you shoot a dart and knock him out. You now have your pick of possible insertion points. You, Evan, and Carlox fire grappling cords up into the upper floor window, breaking the glass. You climb up the cords into the room. Carlox enters first and is promptly whacked in the face by a broom held by Obama himself. "You fools thought I wouldn't hear the window shattering?" he asks, spinning the broom like Darth Maul. Because you intended to take him unharmed, you have no weapons other than your dart gun. "Okay, slow down. We're not here to harm you. We're here to kidnap you." Obama starts advancing. "Wait, that came out wrong. We need you to come with us so you can give Kim Jong-il the key to the Internet." Obama laughs. "Aww hell naw! He wants that key he can haul his scrawny ass over here and take it from me!" "But Mr. President, he'll fire his nukes at us if he doesn't get it!" Obama thinks. "Alright. I'll come with you guys, and we'll think of a distraction. Do you have transportation?"

You all pile in a Presidential limo and drive to Dulles International Airport. Once there, you board a passenger jet. Obama is wearing a mustache and beret to disguise himself. As the plane flies off you hear a news story about the president disappearing from the White House, and you all keep your heads low to avoid suspicion. Suddenly, the plane hits turbulence. A flight attendant says "We've hit a small patch of turbulence, everyone please fasten your seatbelts and stay seated." "Hey guys! Maybe the island is pulling us down! Haha! Haha! Ha..." your voice fades off as no one laughs. As you glance out the window you see the sky getting darker. A voice comes over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Specifically, I'm talking to SBAllen, ElvinKirby, Kassieplx, Hermiione, Carlox, and BlueMonk. Thank you for bringing the president to us. We will now teleport you all to Kim Jong-il's space platform for retrieval of the key." The room starts flashing and you yell "Hey captain, why don't you come out and say that to our face?" The door opens and the captain emerges. "Hello boys," says a Corbin Bleu-esque character standing there in his underwear, "it is. MARIOOH."

ACT 5

The beam of light teleports your group onto a platform in space, surrounded by a bubble. Kim is waiting for you with Mariooh. "Good day friends. May I have the key, Mr. President?" "Why are you helping Korea, Mariooh?" you angrily ask. "I'm glad you asked bby," he says, "see, if we control the Internet, I can let everyone in the world see how adorable and sexy I am." "But you're a skinny little teenager!" growls Evan. "We'll see who's throwing the insults around when I'm finished with you, Jewfro," Mariooh sneers. "Enough arguing! Give me the key to the Internet, Obama!" Kim Jong-il yells. Obama approaches hesitantly. Suddenly, the wall smashes open as the familiar form of Optimus Prime blasts into the room. Starscream unfolds and walks toward him. "This is our final battle, Allen," Optimus declares, "let us take them down once and for all! Autobots, roll out!" You lunge forward as Optimus tackles Starscream and deck Mariooh. BlueMonk, Evan, Kassie, Hermiione, and Carlox all grab weapons from somewhere and start firing on the KPA guards. Obama grabs the distracted Kim by the collar. "Lemme give you some diplomacy, pal," Obama says before headbutting him. Mariooh knees you in the face and kicks you away, trying to draw a pistol. You leap to your feet and tackle him before he can grab it. Optimus pops an energon blade and cuts Starscream's arm clean off, then knocks him aside. Kim crawls away from Obama and starts running to a large machine.

"What is this thing?" you ask Kim as he presses buttons on the machine, which has a ten foot circular ring attached to it. "This is my device," he says, "now give me the key, Obama." Obama shakes his head. Suddenly Starscream, using his remaining hand, grabs Obama, making him drop the key. Kim takes it and shoves it into the device. Purple energy streaks through the ring. "Yes! Internet, here I come!" And with that, Kim jumps into the portal. Without hesitation, your group leaps in. You appear in a huge black vortex with light beams whizzing by. A virtual keyboard appears at your fingers. "www.gamefaqs.com," you type. Suddenly everything flashes and you appear on the front page of GameFAQs. You walk around the front page for a bit before "clicking" Boards by jumping up and down on it. Your group wanders to the Social Boards link, and then to Current Events. Everything is chaos as Kim and his men shoot various CEmen and blow things up. "Allen, I'm glad you could join us," Mariooh laughs while giving a mod a wedgie. Evan rushes forward and decks Mariooh, who grabs Evan's arm and pins it behind his back. "Don't move, or I'll kill your friend," Mariooh says, holding a gun to Evan's head. You decide to employ the Marty McFly defense. "Well Mariooh, I guess you've got me WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" you scream, pointing over his shoulder. He looks to the side and Evan swings his leg back, hitting him in his crotch, which is poorly defended as a result of his wearing underwear and no pants. Kim rushes for the admin control panel. "As my first act as ruler of the Internet, I shall wipe GameFAQs from the face of the Earth!" Starscream appears, having somehow fit through the portal, and Optimus appears behind him. "At the end of this day, one shall stand, one shall fall!" Optimus yells as he tackles Starscream. The Decepticon kicks him in the face, and as Optimus flips through the air, he raises his cannon and shoots, blasting Starscream's head off in one shot. Kim begins accessing the admin control panel.

You rush forward and tackle him away from the control panel. Kim gets to his feet and kicks you in the stomach, then *****slaps you across the face. You grab a metal pole from somewhere and start whipping it around Neo-style. Kim grabs the pole, knocks it into the air, and then spins, kicking it into your chest. You leap to your feet, grab the pole as you flip through the air, and smash Kim across the face with it. "This dimension is like the Matrix. We can survive practically anything. I am invincible!" Kim yells. You rush forward and exchange blows, spinning the pole with one hand and punching with the other. Kim jumps over your head and kicks you in the solar plexus. As you get to your feet, Obama says "the key is extremely fragile! If we break it, we might get sucked out before he can cause more damage!" You rush over to Kim as he raises the key high, and tackle him. The key flips end over end over end, in slow motion, before hitting the ground with a resounding crash. Everyone is silent. Suddenly, a loud noise fills the air, and a huge purple portal appears. Everything in the room starts getting sucked into the portal of no return, first small objects, then larger ones. "Quick! Everyone run to the exit!" you scream. As you run, Mariooh trips and get sucked into the portal, screaming like a girl as he goes. You struggle against the vaccuum to open the door. Being a hero, you reach your hand out to the struggling Kim, but like the stuck up jerk he is, he refuses to take it and gets pulled silently into the abyss. Kassie and Hermiione rush through the door, when the ceiling starts collapsing. Evan and BlueMonk are yanked off their feet and start hurtling toward the portal.

You grab Evan and pull him tight, throwing him through the exit to Carlox, who pulls him through. You watch in agony as BlueMonk falls to the portal and into the abyss, his final words being: "SUMMER! NATALI! BEARONICA! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU..." "NO BLUEMONK!" you scream, but it's too late. He has been lost to the sands of time forever. You enter the door, slam it hard behind you, and walk back into the real world.

EPILOGUE

You have overcome CJayC's plot to destroy the GameFOX database. You have stopped Moot's plan to destroy GameFAQs. And you have conquered Kim Jong-il and Mariooh's ambitions to rule the entire Internet. Now, you relax back at your house where it all began, and sit down at your computer to mod some unruly users. Kassie, Hermiione, and Carlox have all moved on with their lives and become celebrities to the whole Internet. Evan has even become a mod! He quickly begins modding anyone who dislikes Christina Hendricks.

A person calls your phone: "Is this the Krusty Krab?" "No, this is Patrick," you snap as you sit the phone down before remembering your own shenanigans. You cross your hands behind your head as all is good once again on your mighty site. You are SBAllen, and this has been your epic journey as admin of GameFAQs.