Installation

Installation

(2,164 words)

by Jack Thrift


Congratulations on your purchase of the TRINITY GAMEWAVE 2 (TG2) game console, Series 201, Model T-184A! You are only moments away from experiencing the most unique and exhilarating virtual-reality gaming system known to man! Or woman! This must be a very exciting day for you!

The following instructions will help you set up your TG2 and allow you to use the system safely while maximizing your enjoyment. Please follow these instructions step by step. We know you’re eager to get started, but bear with us just a little longer. Believe us, you’ll be glad you did.

Ready?

Step 1: Plug the TG2 base console into an electrical outlet.

Step 2: Attach leads from the TG2 base console to the GAMEWAVE Helmet (the plugs and receptors are color coordinated – check the diagram if you're fuzzy on our meaning).

Step 3: Put the helmet on your head. Do not lower the face plate -- how will you follow the directions if you can’t read them? You may feel a slight vibration in your teeth. This is normal. So is a stiffness in your jaw and a mildly unpleasant burning sensation in your eyes. Do not be alarmed. Whatever you do – we can’t stress this enough – do not try to take the helmet off at this point. That would be bad. The helmet’s feed lines are anchoring themselves to your scalp and reading your brainwaves. (Does it tickle some? It probably tickles some. So what? Let them.)

Step 4:  Wait until the tingling stops. It should pass after ten minutes. If ten minutes have gone by and the tingling persists, give it another five minutes. If this does the trick, go on to the next step. If the tingling continues, turn to page 10 and follow those steps.

Page 10

Step 1: So you’re still feeling the tingling sensation? No worries! Happens all the time! In fact, in addition to the tingling you may be experiencing a wee touch of headache. We advise you to take a couple of aspirin. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

Step 2: All better? Now we're going to go ahead and have you power up Phase Two of your helmet-cranium interface. This is achieved by means of the dial over your left ear. Turn it counterclockwise until you hear two clicks. You know what we mean by counterclockwise? Clockwise means a turn in the direction the hands of a clock move, so counterclockwise is the opposite. The distinction is important. Turning the dial the wrong way will cause the skull feeds to burrow deeper into your scalp, so don’t do it. Did you do it? Did you turn it the wrong way? If you did, go to page 15 and follow those steps. Otherwise, go on to step 3.

Page 15

Step 1: Look, you’re really going to have to slow down and do these steps correctly. It’s not like you’re assembling long-range tactical weapons or something. We don’t mean to be busting your balls here, but hey. Come on. 

Step 2: So here's the deal. The present situation is such that we're going to have to do some damage control. So what we're going to do -- wait, you didn’t try to turn the dial back to its original position, did you? Because you don’t want to do that. Be honest. If you did, turn to page 20 and read the directions there. If not, go on to the next step.

Page 20

Step 1: Let us make this as clear as we possibly can. Do not do a thing until we tell you to. Capice?

Step 2: In your TG2 accessories box, you’ll find a activation key and a rubber mouthpiece. If you're wondering what the key looks like, it's a metallic wafer about the size of a stamp. Put the mouthpiece in your mouth and bite down on it. Next, insert the key into the hole in the center of the TG2 console (it says "Key" above this hole).

Step 3: Oh, shit, wait! Hold up!

Step 4: We probably should have told you this first, but you want to be sitting or lying down before inserting the key. Sorry about that. As you may have already discovered, inserting the key causes an electrical charge to course through the feeds and into your brain. It's been known to make people collapse and pass out. Some experience partial paralysis in the left side of their bodies. If this is happening to you, it's okay. It will pass.

Step 5: Next thing (and for this one it's, like, super-important that you brace yourself), you need to plug one end of the orange cord (found in your accessories box) into the game console. You're going to attach the other end into the hole in the front center of your helmet. It's going to feel like you've been kicked in the head by a mule, so. You know. Be ready for that.

Step 6: You ready?

Step 7: You sure?

Step 8: Just curious: do you believe in some kind of diety or higher power? Maybe you should say a quick prayer before you turn that key.

Step 9: Only joking! We like to laugh around here, and we imagine you do, too. Where would we be without laughter? What kind of world would we live in?

Step 10: Seriously, though. It wouldn’t hurt to say a prayer. Just putting that out there.

Step 11: Now plug her in.

Step 12: If, having plugged in the cord, you've found that you passed out and awoke with some memory lapses, turn to page 25. Otherwise, continue to the next step.

Step 13: No amnesia? Finally some good news, uh?

Step 14: OK, so, honesty time. No use sugarcoating this. A very small percentage of the people who interface with the TG2 system have adverse reactions, and that’s what appears to be happening with you. We don’t know why this happens, but don’t worry. We’ll have you squared away in no time. You're only minutes away from entering the wild, wonderful world of extreme virtual reality, TG2-style, where the impossible is made possible and dreams do come true, and so on and so forth.

Step 15: So cheer up!

Step 16: Also, you've probably noticed you're in a considerable amount of pain right now. That sucks. In addition, you’re dizzy and nauseous. And twitching a good deal, probably. That’s because the cranial feeds have tunneled through your scalp and skull and are poking a tiny bit into your brain, tinkering around with your nervous system. They’re not supposed to do that. But sometimes they do. Fret not! When the feeds hit your brain, they only go in a micrometer, which is a unit of measure that's super small. They send some electric pulses through your neurons – if you’re drooling right now, that’s why – but they do not penetrate very far into actual brain matter.

Step 17: We have to get those feeds to retract. We can’t just shut down the system, or the feeds will die inside your head, and soon you’ll be looking at an infected brain, which, believe us, you don't want.

Step 18: Go back to your box, look for the clear packet of syrupy substance. Now feel the top of your helmet for the compartment with the sliding latch. Got it? Pour the contents of the packet into the compartment and close the latch. What the hell is that stuff, you ask? And why does it smell so funny? Well, that’s complicated. Let’s just say it gives off an odor that the feeds are drawn to. Once they get a whiff of that stuff, hoo boy! They come running. Which is to say they pull out of your brain. Works every time. Well, almost every time. Give it a minute or so.

Step 19: If it worked, your pain will be greatly diminished. You’ll have stopped drooling. Your eyeballs will no longer be frying in their sockets like they’re ready to burst. If this is the case, start over from page 1 of these instructions – and try to follow them correctly this time, huh? But if your pain persists unabated, keep the helmet on and continue to the next step.

Step 20: Hold on a sec. Someone’s at the door.

Step 21: Sorry about that. It was our neighbor, Brandon. He’s what we call an eccentric, which is the polite way of saying he’s a drunk. What he likes to do, he shows up at the houses of friends and relatives asking for food. But he doesn’t care about food, see. That’s just his ruse for getting through the door. No, he wants to get into your house so he can hit you with his latest sob story and assault your conscience till you say aw the hell with it and give him some cash. He's remarkably effective at this. We couldn't help but give him five bucks just now. It’s just easier that way. But dig this: he looks at what we gave him, the five dollar bill, and he’s like, “That's it?” And we’re all, “How about a frickin’ thank you?” Frickin’ ingrate. Neighbors, man. They’re always a trip.

Step 22: And Carol – that’s his wife – Carol's always covering for him and trying to act like he’s not some raging boozer. We’re like, “Hello? Have you smelled this guy?” Fuckin’, if you could find a way to bottle his sweat, you could probably slap an eighty-proof label on it. Plus he’s always doing crazy drunken shit, 'scuse the language. Like this one time? Fourth of July, right. Dude gets, like, totally hammered, and he’s walking home from some bar, and then he – no, New Year’s Eve, that’s when it was. Not Fourth of July. So New Year's Eve, he's walking home and he's so drunk he breaks into our house via the French doors in back. Way he does it, he takes off his shirt, wraps it around his fist, and punches through the glass, and then he reaches in and unlocks the door. Goes inside and crashes on our couch. We hear all this commotion, and we’re like, "Ho' shit, somebody’s broken into our house!" So we call 911, and the cops, when they get here, they break the fuckin' front door in, so now we got a busted front door and busted back door, and they find Brandon out cold. They can’t wake him up, so they call an ambulance. Long story short? Drunk asshole thought he was at his own house! Thought he’d been locked out, so he had to break in! The man’s got problems, is what we're saying. Not that we don’t tie one on occasionally ourselves, if the occassion calls for it, and yes, we’ve been known to smoke the occasional jay, just to, you know, smooth out the edges after a rough day. Difference is, we know our limits.

Step 23: But we digress.

Step 24: Where were we?

Step 25: OK, yeah. We remember now. OK, so here’s the next part. Go look at yourself in a mirror. Look at your pupils. Are they the same size? If yes, whew! That’s a relief! Go to the next step, sport's fan, you're in the clear. If no, go to page 28 and follow those instructions.

Page 28

Step 1: So your pupils are different sizes?

Step 2: Shit.

Step 3: We mean shoot.

Step 4: What’s happening, see, your brain is starting to swell. Don’t bother calling 911; they’ll take too long getting to you and won’t know what to do when they arrive. What you need to do is have a TG2 Systems Specialist assist you. Call the number (it's in the "Contact Us" section at the end of this booklet). They’ll walk you through the process of disengaging with your helmet. Also, uh, time is of the essence. There will be seizures and hallucinations and some other nasty shit in about ten minutes. So.

Step 5: But hey, listen, we wish you luck.

Step 6: For real, yo.

*  *  *

“Thank you for calling TRINITY GAMEWAVE, the greatest virtual-reality gaming system in existence. If you are calling from a touchtone phone, press one now. If you are calling from –

“For English, press one. Para espanol, marque – 

“If you are calling to order a TRINITY GAMEWAVE system or would like to purchase games or GAMEWAVE accessories, press one. If you are calling for game tips and strategies, press two. If you are calling to check on the status of an order, press three. If you are calling with questions about your account, press four. All other requests, please press five.

"If you are calling because of helmet rash, press one. If you are calling because your feeds have died and need to be re-seeded, press two. If you are calling because someone you know has been using a GAMEWAVE product and is now in the throes of grand mal seizures (foaming at the mouth, convulsing, etc.), press three. If that person is not seizing but rather is attempting to turn his/her skin inside out, press four. If the individual is chasing you around the house with a knife, is eating his/her excrement, or is in general experiencing any other manner of psychotic episode, press four. All other requests, please press five.

“Please hold for the next available representative.

“Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us. Your estimated waiting time is...seven. TEEN. minutes.

“Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us. Your estimated waiting time is...twelve. MINUTES.

“Please...important...time...eight. MINUTES.

“Plee...port...estimate...FOUR.

“Pl...p...

“Thank you for calling the TRINITY GAMEWAVE helpline the greatest helpline of the greatest virtual gaming experience in existence my name is Darren how may I provide you with outstanding customer service today.”

“...”

“Hello?”

“...”

“Anybody there?”

“...”

“Whatever.”

Click.