The Autumn of my Life

The autumn of my 59th year is rapidly passing by making me take pause to reflect on my life, the things I have done, the things I didn't do, the things I wish I had done differently. I don't feel old but when I look in the mirror I see the ravages of life in my face and eyes. While I cannot say that 2009 was the absolute worst year of my life I can say it has been one of the saddest.

A few weeks ago I received an e-mail from a friend prompting me to write this. It made me realize that I am 59 years old and I have spent the greater part of my life taking care of other people. I also realized that most of these people did not appreciate me for who I am, nor did they try to understand me and my needs as a real person. Now I am beginning to realize that I was responsible for some of that, I was the one who let everyone walk over me without fighting back. Now I have begun to fight back and while people do not like it, I get a certain satisfaction in standing up for myself and not letting people use me and throw me away.

The first thing I realized when I got the e-mail is that the people who came into my life and then left me alone were supposed to be there. Society might call them mistakes, I call them learning curves. And I realize that through all the hurt and sadness from when I was very young until today were lessons that I had to experience. I don't know why, I just know there was a lesson in each incident for someone, not always me. I realize that I was sometimes just a conduit for someone else's lessons and to be that I had to be hurt also.

The people who came into my life and stayed for awhile were there because they wanted to be. When they left it was because they wanted to leave. And when they came back if I did not let them back in my life it was because they had to learn their lesson and that by making the decision I made it meant I had learned my lesson. It did not make me love these people any less, just that their time in my life had passed and it was time to move on. I do not regret any of the people who came to my life and left and some of them I still love very much and always will and I am very sad they had to leave. They left permanent footprints on my heart and that is the way it is supposed to be. That way I will never forget and hope that when we meet again if we do it will be different in our next life.

But now that I am in the autumn of my years, all my old friends and lovers have passed on, people I had left behind many years ago, I realize that my life now is the life I always wanted. I love my husband and my family. I adore my grandchildren. I am not the same person I was 10, 20, 30, 40 years ago. Today I am me. I am not slim any more, I have gained weight. My hair is turning gray but I keep it colored. I am still vain enough to not want gray hair, besides it is ugly. I don't watch what I eat most of the time, if my butt gets larger who cares. I have earned the right to eat the extra cookie, the hamburger and fries. I don't have to eat salad every meal.

I make my bed every day, but if I get up tomorrow and decide I don't want to make it, well who the hell cares. It's my bed (and hubby but he does not care). So if I don't make it so be it.

I will spend my money the way I want to. I will gamble if I want to and I do. Bob Riley and the religious nuts in this state can mind their own business. I work every day at a job that makes my life a living hell and while I get paid very well for it, I deserve the right to spend my money the way I want.

I will have my own opinion and anyone who does not like it can go to hell. I don't care if anyone agrees with me or not.

Yes my heart had been broken over the years, many times. But a heart that does not break it a heart that does not know how to love. My heart has always broken easily and while it has been painful at least I know that I can and do love. My heart breaks when my husband, my children or my grandchildren are hurt or disappointed. My heart breaks when I lose a pet, because to me pets are a huge part of the family and I love my pets dearly.

But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. Hearts need to be broken so they can learn the joy of being imperfect.

I am sad that the people I lost this year will never know the joy of being old. Someday all the young people who are making my life miserable at work will be old also and then they will experience the same thing those of us who are older now do. And they won't understand how they treated people "back in the day". But I know. Been there, done that, pay for it now. I don't really care.

As I get older I find it easier to accept that what is, is. There are things we cannot change in this world, mostly this realization comes with age. I care less about what people think of me. I have earned the right to be wrong. I have earned the right to decide what I want to do and when.

I will not live forever but while I am still here I will not waste anymore time worrying about what other people think of me. I will not waste unnecessary tears on people who do not deserve them. I have learned there is no perfection in this life and I will not let anyone expect perfection from me.

All lives have rain, after the rain is gone there are rainbows. Sometimes they don't stay for long but they are there. I hope to have more rainbows in my life from now on. And if anyone reads this I hope that you have more rainbows and butterflies and birds in your life and when the rain comes just remember the rainbow will come back.