8 hours

Eight Hours
By: Devin Stanley


“What are you doing?” I said to myself as I begin walking up the stairway. “This is just a big waste of time and effort.” I whispered while deciding midway just to turn around and head back downstairs. I take about two or three steps down the narrow white and yellow stained stairway before realizing that this had to be done, there was no way that I was going to be able to carry this burden around with me any longer. So long have I pretended that this didn’t bother me but truth is that it really did. It ate me alive everyday for the past nineteen years. “Are you ok?” was the words that began to echo over and over in my head. The notorious question that everyone kept asking me at graduation after they realized that my father decided not to show up. So of course I lied and said I was fine, although I wasn’t. That was over a year ago, and now here I am standing in his stairway still trying to figure out why.
I place my head against the cool white cement wall, close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to decide what option was really the best one to live with. I began pounding my fist against the wall trying to get all my thoughts together. “Ok, well I made it this far.” I said as I opened my eyes. Slowly and painfully I began to make my way back up the stairs. With every step I took my heart began to beat faster and faster. My hands were beginning to become sweaty and my eyes began to gloss. “Get your self together.” I said as I approached the door. I take a couple of seconds to try to regroup, “Okay…..here goes.” I raise my fist in the air, preparing to knock on the door, but I couldn’t. My mind began to wonder all over the place. Thinking about how hard life has been with out him there. Trying to figure out how someone could just walk out of your life without looking back. How can anyone think that a phone call every six years is okay? I began to dwell about the pain that I have to live with everyday, the hole that’s there that can’t be filled, so it just remains empty inside me.
Before I knew it tears was beginning to stream down my face, and I was barely able to control my emotions. Once again I place my head against the wall and close my eyes trying to rid the images of the times that I really needed him there, but he was no where to be found. “Ok, ok, ok, come on now……… you got to do this, pull yourself together.” I whispered to myself as I began to wipe the tears from my eyes. “Whooooooooooooooo…….. ok I’m good, I’m good.” I quickly look both ways making sure no one saw me break down, and once again I lift my fist in the air and I knock on the door. I wait a couple of seconds but no one answered, so I knock again. “Look I’m not in the mood for no speeches about Jehovah and all that today okay, not today I got things to do!!!!!” A short stocky lady said as she opened the door. “Ummmm, excuse me maim I think you have the wrong impression I’m not a Jehovah’s Witness.” I said while laughing a little. “Well what do want then, cause I don’t have any money to be giving away to nobody!” She snapped at me. “No, no I’m not a sales person or bill collector or whatever you think I am, I’m just looking for Jordan Blend that’s all” “OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh, ok.” She said reluctantly “I’m sorry baby you got the wrong apartment he lives down stairs.” “Oh, ok thank you I’m sorry about that.” “No, you fine baby, but yeah he lives in 202 this is 204.” She explained to me slowly as if I was stupid or something. “Okay thank you.” I replied back slowly. As I turned around to head back down stairs, I began laughing to myself. “Yeah go figure I would go to the wrong apartment.” But it didn’t take long before my mind reminded me of why I was really here. So here I was again standing in front of the door, but before knocking I made sure that the numbers said 202. I take the longest deep breath that I taken today then knocked on the door. Immediately I could hear footsteps approaching the door. My heart was pounding a million miles per second, and my hands were becoming sweaty again. As I listen I could here his footsteps getting closer and closer. But when they got to the door they stopped and there was just complete silence, he made no attempt to open the door. My attention quickly was drawn to the peep hole. I waited a couple more seconds just to see what his reaction was going to be, but it didn’t change the door remained closed, but I didn’t here any footsteps either so, I knew that he didn’t leave. So I know that he knew who I was.
“You don’t have to open the door if you don’t want too………….. It’s just been six years and I guess this time I wanted to surprise you. I know your probably wondering how I got this address…………. Well your mother called my mom a couple of weeks before graduation and told us where you lived, and gave us your phone number. I sent you an invitation and I called a couple of times, but I’m pretty sure you already know that …………… I really didn’t want much………. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest………………….. You know for so long I’ve wondered why you never wanted to build a relationship with me………….. why you didn’t want anything to do with me. And I could never figure out why. That question haunts me until this day, but I guess the most logical answer is to assume that you didn’t want to deal with that kind of responsibility which I can understand, if I was that young I guess I may have thought about it that way too. But still that’s no excuse………… do you have any idea how hard it is to live without you father there……………….. I know you don’t because both of you parents have been together for over 40 years. You may not have thought much of it, but do you realize that you stole life that didn’t belong to you. That everyday I have to wake up with this emptiness inside me that can’t be filled, because your love is the only thing that’s going to fill it! Everyday I live like this because of the decision you made! Everyday I have to carry around a burden that’s not even mine! I shouldn’t be the one who has to live like this! You should be the one who has to deal with the pain that I have to live with everyday!!! I don’t deserve this, because I didn’t do anything wrong!! You know what……….. I can go on all day about how much pain you caused me and this and that and the other, but in the end it doesn’t really matter, what has happened has happened. I drove eight hours today to tell you that I’m sorry……………….sorry for hating you………… and that no matter how much pain you’ve caused me………………………………………………. for some reason I still love you.”
I lift up my head, wipe my eyes and look right into the peep whole, “I forgive you dad” I said softly. After saying those words I walk back to my car, start the engine and began to drive away. A smile somehow came across my face. For the first time since, I don’t know when, I didn’t feel that emptiness in my heart. As I approached the stop sign at the entrance of the apartments, I just happened to look in the rearview mirror and to my surprise I see my father running to catch the car yelling “wait” at the top of his lungs. I sit there for a moment watching as he’s running, then I press my foot on the gas and began the eight hour journey back home.