How to drive in the Dominican Republic

TO UNDERSTAND why we drive like we do, you need to understand that although we do have a nice Caribbean country, we…uh, lack of 'certain' things here:

First, the average age of the population is… 24. But really, if you take off a good chunk of DR age-pyramid…should be only sixteen or less. Our streets are full of pre-teens and teenagers. Thousands of them! Yet, sadly, only half of them…some five millions, are going to school. Worst yet. In our public schools, our kids only use their brains ONE hour a day, for five days, some eight months a year. Japanese kids go to school from 7 am to 6 pm and also go on Saturdays! That’s the reason we drive Toyotas, Nissans and Hondas (plus some Fords and Chevrolets…lots of Mercedes Benzes and BMWs) and not [could be] Rodriguezs, Perezs or Martinezs…

“Look Hashimoto…a brand new Rodriguez Prelude! Man, you should see the Martinez 300 Z, it can do from 0 to 100 KPH in six seconds flat!”

Nah…

MONZA. Valentino Rossi wins the Italian GP on board a 'Perez 1000 SXZ' in front of a crowd of more that 35,000 screaming fans. The famous Caribbean motorcycle brand is leading the factory championship in a fierce battle with their counterparts 'Martinez' –currently in second place– and the newly 'Lopez 1000 ZRX' motorcycles. A fourth brand coming from the island is expected for this summer. Rumors say that it could be a new brand called 'Alrod-Bigdaddyson'..

So, when you are driving in the United States, Canada, Argentina or Spain what is going through your mind?

“Oh, oh. Traffic light is turning yellow. I’ll start to slow down. I don’t want to occupy the intersection. Good Lord! I could be involved in an accident. Did I pay the insurance…of course! I did it in January! This car in front of me could not make it. Let me slow down more to give him space. Yes. Okay.”

Here…

[Radio on its possible maximum louder tone, six passengers crushed inside the it-was-a-Toyota-once car, driver –named Jose– dressed in battered jeans, t-shirt and blue or red baseball cap (mandatory), left arm hanging from left door, right thumb over the claxon].

“How many beers did I have last night? Twelve or thirteen? Did I do it with…? I don’t remember. I was out. I’m hungry…where is that f… new fried chicken street vendor that gave me credit last nigh? I’ll promise her to pay today. Maybe if I get another passenger inside the car… Nah. I have a pounding headache. I don’t want to argue with passengers…again. It’s yellow!…this bunch of a…! Go! Go! Go! What are they waiting for…red? And who cares? I know that I have time to pass them all… bunch of idiots, f… sleepy heads…”

All of 300 million of Americans (minus 30 million of Latinos of course) learn how to drive at sixteen. Exactly a couple of hours after sunrise, the day of your 16th birthday, your mom or dad will take you for your first driving lesson:

“Brian, you are sixteen already. It’s time to learn how to drive properly a car. This is not a game, it’s a responsibility. A car is like a gun, you could kill someone, part of your family or yourself on it. So, do not speed, drive always to your right and obey traffic rules. Son, we love you. Congratulations.”

Then, you will take your driving license test in a yellow, two-wheel-inside, car. A middle age, white shirt with Z knot driving professor on one side.

The DR…

“Where is little Jose? I don’t see my taxi in front of the house. Don’t tell me that this little bastard –he’s only eleven, damn it!– took my car, again! I’ll kill him! What time is it? Eleven…shit, I’ll have to wait to noon to lunch. Well, anyway, he better learn how to drive. He’ll need it soon. His mother is pregnant again and my compadre took off…again. This is the six time…five kids already. What a macho man!”

So, there are some local rules to have in mind if you dare to drive down here:

RULE #1: Traffic lights are 'optional'. Even if they are out. It depends of your mood at this moment. If you had a fight with your spouse, f… it! If he is asking you for… don’t.

RULE #2: Road signs are only part of the scenery. There’s no need to be that…'civilized'. Outside the island, a “Stop” sign means a dead halt. You do know that you will be ticketed for that!. Here, those red pentagon metal signs put “PARE” over them. Since –maybe– you don’t speak 'Dominican'… smile! No police patrol car is going to stop you… we 'don’t' have police patrol cars…

RULE #3: Beware of light-green-shirt guys in the streets! We call those AMETs (policemen) and they are supposed to work in the traffic. OUR traffic. Usually, they are young, bored and hungry all the time. No one, even taxi drivers, argue with them. Only DR Army Generals when they want to overpass 20 cars in front of the –turn off– traffic light. You just go with the flow. But, if one of AMETs stop you, put your best tourist smile and try to talk some Spanish… a cool 200 Pesos bill could help also…but only in between 11 o’clock and 3 o’clock…

RULE #4: If by any chance you find yourself near of a RED traffic light, and it’s on…Oh no! remember that Jose is four cars behind you! He will start honk you -in red- to see if you jump over the big SUV in front of you and pass the intersection as quickly as your Japanese rent car could do the quarter of a mile.

But, if you, poor thing, happen to be IN THE INTERSECTION, with a live red light in front of you, waiting for green… that other big SUV (we have more SUVs that in Colorado…) behind you will honk exactly 20 seconds BEFORE turning to green and, if you dare not to imitate your comrades in Daytona, Silverstone or Monza… that teenager on the wheel, chatting over her new BB, will try to kill you with her honk! with a 'hew!' repugnance face looking at you from above in between twitters…

RULE #5: Nobody cares if you are doing 80 KPH (not miles per hour, please) in a highway (we do have some, thank you…) with 60 KPH road signs on it. Speeds are also, optional. Those guys in the ‘Painting Department of Public Works’ (Jose’s friends) have a particular pride of their job: it is easier to put always the same “60 KPH” number whatever new metal road sign is in front of them, no matter the type of road, town or corner. Besides, they all were…drinking beer with Jose last night…

RULE #6: At night, aha! all local drivers become… high-beam light psychos! If you are driving at night, let’s say in the Santo Domingo to Punta Cana semi-highway (only half is ready) as soon as you passed La Romana (some 150 kilometers/90 miles east the capital) you will find yourself surrounded by mini buses called… "Voladoras". Speeders or flying tortures. Since they make money by round trip done… they go 'fast'.

Another thing is that they love to put extra lights in front of their vehicles. Dozens of them! If you are doing, 80 KPH, you are 'slow'. So, they turn on ALL their lights –and honk– at the same time, even if there are NO space to pull over. Why? Because they LOVE to play with their lights and make noise! So, a powerful, evil, streaming ray of white light will come from the mini bus behind you, it will cross your skull and will end the other side of your brain. And, of course, you won’t hear the HA! HA! HA! Texas Chain Massacre-style hysterical laugh from the chauffer all dressed up in red with smoke coming from all over! But it is there. A couple of seconds later, a huge shadow will pass you and will disappear into the night.

Since you will become, speechless, please, watch out for any mini bus, or whatever is coming, in FRONT of you. And above all, please! Be careful with the high beams of the car! Don’t you dare to use them closer that 5 miles (8 kilometers) in front of the incoming vehicle! Since NO native never ever turns the lights down… if you make some attempts to up and down the lights, waiting for a good Samaritan to forgive your life, sorry: 9.5 of 10 cars won’t give a shit. They will pass you like nothing. BUT, if you have the misfortune of getting in the pass of another incoming mini bus… Freeze! Don’t touch that lever! Your whole live will pass in front of you: memories of the good moments in life. Remember that first time when dad taught you how to drive his car? Your first credit card debt? Having to go to the supermarket by yourself? First time in an airplane to the Caribbean (not this time please!), CNN, the World Series of 1999…

You are 'tired' after dealing for hours with Santo Domingo’s traffic jams, street vendors, policemen, noise, window cleaners and the zillions of little Japanese taxis driven by the very same JOSEs. But you did had a good time after all. On-foot Dominicans are pretty good people. Then, it’s time to return to the hotel in Punta Cana, and it’s only 200 kilometers (120 miles) away. No problem. Hit the road east at 4 o’clock in the afternoon and you’ll get there around eight o’clock at night. No hurry. You are on vacation…

Five miles away on the road, an UFO will appear in front of you. Lights so bright that they will hurt your retina. You are defenseless. All passengers around you are asleep. You, are, alone, with the monster coming. “Look to the side of the asphalt to avoid the lights. What asphalt? I don’t see no asphalt!”, you said to yourself.

Four miles: everything start to clear…(“weird, I though dawn wasn’t that earlier in the Caribbean”, you think) and all those green sugar cane fields that you remember look now white.

Two miles: now you remember your first time under the dentist lights! And the pain!

ONE mile… lights are so bright that you don’t care now: Pinky and the Brain? Who was Pinky, the mouse or… no, the two of them were mice. “Geico: fifteen percent of car insurance”… who was that little green lizard anyway? British or Australian? Finally! I see the light! Man! Isn’t that beautiful? And everything is going on with the low lights on in your car. Imagine if…

When finally ANOTHER blurring evil shadow passed you by (bet you couldn’t hear the other HA! HA! HA! of the mini bus evil driver, could you?) still, the light is all over. You are losing it. Even you hear, white! Instinctively, you had slowed down during the last 30 seconds. That is so that your spouse will wake up and ask you:

“What is it baby? Why are we going only at 5 miles per hour? Brian, what is it? You are starting to scare me”.

“The Light, the Light”…

“What light honey? Brian, did you have that beer? What’s the name? Oh yes…Presidente.

“Pinky and Geico. Fifteen percent of Australia”…

“Brian, are you all right? Do you want me to drive, honey? I can do it, even in this country. It cannot be that difficult, I drive when your mother visit us”…

“No, no…I’m good. Go back to sleep.”

RULE #7: Next time, hire Jose as a driver…