Dead End Job

It was a clear moonlit night. In a deserted graveyard. Shadows weaved in-between headstones of the dead. The night wind whispered as it skated across graves of loved ones long forgot. The cemetery gate rattle on loose hinges. Close by two friends, Syd and Clive sat on a headstone discussing their nights work. They often stopped here for a chat as their homes were nearby. Syd spoke first., his eyes blank as he stared through Clive.

"Well Clive, he said adjusting a rope around his neck, "how was your night?"

"Don't ask," replied Clive resting his head between his knees. "My heads been on and off all night, but do they notice? , no they don't."

"I know what you mean Clive, I've been haunting for two hundred years and lately some of my clients take more notice of the spirit in the bottle."

"I blame the younger ghosts myself, said Clive carefully combing a parting in his red hair before replacing his head on his shoulders. "They just don't seem to have the enthusiasm for being a phantom these days. They're killing the job for the older ones."

"Yes, I agree with you there, Take that young Charlie for instance, always throwing things about, a right poltergeist, no finesse at all.!'

"Well, let's be honest Syd, haunting is a dead end job now."

"You are not wrong there Clive, It's a dying art. Still. it's better than lying down all the time just wasting away. That would bore me stiff."

Syd took one of his eyes and polished it on one of his sleeve.

"Clive, do you remember the woman who haunted the Manor?"

"You mean Penelope, The Lady In White?"

"Yes, that's her, she was really good, the way she rattled her chains was enough to wake the dead. Do you know what happened to her?!

"I believe she was sent to the gym"

"You mean....?"

"Yes she was exorcised."

Clive adjusted his head and looked at Syd for a few seconds.
"Are you feeling okay Syd? You don't look as pale as you usually do."

"Yes, it's just that I've been walking round the graveyard tonight and these shackles are killing me."

"You should take it easy Syd you're not a young ghost anymore. Where are you tomorrow?"

"I'm down for the Pig And Pen to catch the drunks as they come out, although I think it's a waste of good haunting time. Some of the drunks only want to talk to you and if you start wailing they think you are as sloshed as they are and start singing Nellie Dean or football songs."

"I agree with you about the Alive not being afraid these days, Clive said, "I was at one house last week and this young woman - very beautiful I must say - made a pass at me."

"She never did?"

Yes, right after I'd done my walking through the wall act. She told me it would be a turn-on to be made love to by a headless ghost.

"You didn't did you?
"Of course not, I'm a married man. Besides if the missus found out she would kill me again."

"What did you do then?"
"Well, I replaced my head, spun it around a few times, did a crazy laugh then slowly disappeared through the floor leaving a trail of green vapor behind."

"I bet that put the willies up her."
"You bet, she didn't know if she was coming or going. I just hope she got the message that I'm not that kind of ghost."

"Who is?" Syd said sadly.

"To be honest Syd I was very tempted. What really stopped me was some-one coming up the stairs. I was in an Old Nick mood that night. I did go back the following night but she wasn't there."

"You certainly know how to pick them Clive."

"By the way, how did you get on with that apprentice the other night Syd?"
"Not very good, she was very nervous."

"What actually happened to her?"

"She was murdered by her husband. He chopped her into little bits then fed her to to his dogs."

"That sounds hard to digest Syd."

"Well it didn't go down too well, Clive. She was very angry with him. She only wanted to to haunt him, visit him a piece at a time, she told me."

"So naive, so naive. Clive said.

"I had to explain to her that we don't work that way and we don't always get to choose who we haunt. I told her that the Dream Spirits would take care of him and after a few restless nights he might even join her. Then she could give him hell."

"Do you think she'll pass?"

"I certainly hope so Clive, she was going to pieces at one time. I had to tell her to pull herself together."

"With you as her tutor she'll be OK.. remember how we were on our first night?"

"Yes, I was absolutely livid. What made it worse was that people actually thought I had hanged myself. I don't know how my wife explained the fact that my hands were tied behind my back."

Well she was the daughter of a judge wasn't she?"

' Yes, and he was also the local squire. Anyway I'll have to be floating, the sun is coming up soon. I'll see you again."

"Is my head straight Syd?" Clive asked as he sunk into the ground.

"Yes perfect Clive." Shouted Syd from over his shoulder.

"Good luck with the apprentice Syd."

"Thanks Clive."

As the two friends melded into the early mist a pair of shadowy figures rose from a nearby freshly dug grave. The first gave a sigh of relief.

"At last, " he said, "I thought they'd never go. Now what were you saying happened the other night?"

The young woman sat on the edge of the grave next to the baby-faced youth. She rested an elbow beside her whilst the rest of her arm floated up from the grave.

"Well I was in my bedroom lying on the bed starkers waiting for my hubby to come home from work. He must have entered the house without me hearing because when he came into the bedroom he said he had heard a man's voice. I told him there was no bloke with me. He never believed me. He reckoned he could smell the presence of another man."

"Had there been some-one with you?"

"Yes, but how could I explain it to him when he was in that mood?", Anyway, it was then he lost his temper.. Why did I have to marry a butcher?"

She moved closer to her companion and put a hand on his knee.

"Charlie?, does your head come off?"