The Mystery of Mr. Darcy, Vampyre

Hello! My name is Abigail Dentura and I am a detective. I mean, I’m not mainly a detective, really I’m an art major at Southern Illinois University, but as my mom always said, “there’s nothing wrong with working two jobs.” Anyway, when I’m not busy drawing pictures of flowers and learning about composition and all of the other exciting things (yeah, right!) that us art majors do I like to solve crimes.

I haven’t really had any good ones yet. Mostly, I just get hired to find out if someone is cheating on someone else and, even then, I don’t usually end up getting paid or anything. But I don’t mind. My mom always said, “it’s not so much about the money as the experience.” In case you can’t tell, I kind of miss my mom. I had never really been apart from her (I didn’t even go to sleepover camp!) so, when I went off to college two months ago, I had a little trouble dealing. I’m totally fine now, though. I barely even think about her. Especially when I’m so busy solving crimes and stuff.

Now, before you worry, let me tell you that I don’t have any difficulty in balancing detective work with school. School just sort of comes naturally to me, so it’s not as though it is really a … um…. I think barrier is the word I want? Well, anyway, I’m good at it. Far too good at it for there to be any problem. I don’t go to SIU because I’m dumb, okay? It’s just because I wanted to be kind of close to home so that I can go home on weekends. I’m not even sure I’m going to go home on weekends, though. Not every weekend, at least. I mean, I am an independent woman! I don’t need to see my mom ALL the time.

Right, detective work. I do a lot of it. Like, the other day, I detected someone on my floor who should not have been there! But it turned out that it was the RA’s boyfriend and she was pretty mad when I burst in on them, so I don’t think I’m going to go running into other people’s rooms anymore. Especially when their doors are locked.

Anyway, I have lots of cool hobbies for when I’m not busy with my detective work. Like, I love fanfiction. I am writing a really long story about Harry Potter and how he and Hermione totally should have ended up together (I mean, really? They were obviously in love! I bet J.K. Rowling was just jealous or something) and it has gotten like 27 reviews and only 6 of them were flames! Lots of people complain about my grammar in that story (I am on my 4th chapter!) but it’s a free country, I can write how I want to, okay? I write the truth, okay? I write how people actually are. They are just jealous and haters.

Also, I have a video blog on youtube. I make sure to update all of my followers at least once per week, although they can always find out exactly what I’m up to by following my twitter, which is *~Hrmni&Hry4EVA~* I like to update my video blog two to three times per week, usually so that I can show everyone a new song that I learned (because I am also a great singer!) and so that I can talk about political issues and stuff.

Yeah, I lead a very full life. I don’t have a lot of friends, outside of my friends on the internet, but that’s okay, because I am very popular and just don’t really have time for all of the friends that I would have if I had more time. After all, I am way busy doing my detective work.

I do have a few friends here at school, though. Otherwise, my mom would probably really worry about me. And anyway, I kind of like a few of the people here. Like, my friend Kat, for instance. Her real name is Sarah, but she wears cat ears all the time so people call her Kat. How cute is that? Oh my god, I wish I had a cool nickname like that. All I have is my fanfiction penname, Oregano Granger. I think herbs make really beautiful names and if I ever have a baby, I am going to call her something like Daffodil or Cinnamon.

Anyway, I was telling a story! Sorry! So, the day that I got my first serious mystery, I was as unsuspecting as could be. I was just updating my myspace, when I looked over at my bookshelf and noticed that my copy of Mr. Darcy, Vampire was missing! It took all of my self control not to scream. After all, where does a book like that go? I set to work trying to solve the mystery immediately.

First, I scoped out the scene of the crime. My copies of the Twilight books were still there (yes, I have a hardcover and paperback of each, that is how much I am in love with Edward Cullen who is real and who will one day fall in love with me). My copies of The Odyssey, Tom Jones, and Tess of the D’Urbervilles were all in the exact same place as they always have been (okay, so I haven’t read those books, but I saw the movies and they were so good. I am trying to read them, but they are just really long, okay?) and had the same amount of dust on them as they always do. Finally, I checked my manga collection. I have a hugetastic amount of Japanese graphic novels. I love how you have to read them backwards and stuff and also I am totally like one of those characters. They are all so lanky and bad tempered and I am just like that, except that I pretend to be nice sometimes!

I didn’t see any clues, except for the fact that my book was missing. For a minute, I thought it was maybe a vampire, coming to take some of my books to try to make contact (like in an Anne Rice novel, I think). That would be so cool. Vampires are so hot and sexy and I love them. Except only the vegetarian ones. But I hadn’t finished Mr. Darcy, Vampire so I don’t know if he eats people or not! This was so annoying!!!!

Anyway, once I decided that it couldn’t be a vampire, I knew I had to keep looking for clues. The problem was, there weren’t any! I thought back, trying to remember the last time that I saw my book, but I couldn’t think of it. I knew that I had made a video blog, recommending Mr. Darcy, Vampire to all of my subscribers, but I didn’t remember what I did with it after that. I probably put it back on the shelf, but what if I hadn’t!? Suddenly, I was worried that maybe I was the one who had committed the book-napping!

I walked over to my shelf and scrutinized it. I could see a clean space, where the book had been, surrounded by a lot of dust. I always knew that, whatever my mother said, not dusting would come in handy. The book had been moved sometime in the past twenty-four hours! Or… however long it takes for dust to settle back down or something. I don’t know. Anyway, I didn’t remember moving it, so it couldn’t have been me! That’s good, at least I could mark one person off of my suspects list.

Remembering myself, I decided I ought to make a suspects list! How else was I supposed to figure out who had done it?! I pulled some paper from my desk (it had kittens on it!) and started scrawling out a list then and there. Let’s see. There was my roommate, of course, Natalie. She is obnoxiously boring. She likes to go to sporting events and has a dumb boring major like math or science or something. Also, her side of the room is very stark and clean. Not like mine.

My side of the room is covered in drawings that I have done. My mom always put my drawings on the wall at home and so I decided that I wanted to do the same at school. Although, I had to draw a whole bunch of new drawings to replace all the ones that I gave my mom when I left. I also have a bunch of pictures of my favourite characters because I have the biggest crush of all ever on Edward Cullen, even though I am actually nothing like Bella and am so much more like Alice because I am crazy and also I like cars or at least some cars. I like to be able to see him and Harry and Inuyasha and my other favourites before I go to sleep each night.

Natalie’s side of the room is really boring. She didn’t put anything up on the wall (even though we’re not actually supposed to but I’m a rebel, so I did anyway). She just has her computer on her desk, and her white sheets. I never got that. She has two sets of white sheets and she switches them out every week. Why not have a little fun?! I have three sets of sheets. One of Harry Potter sheets, one of pink flowers and a third one with Transformers. I never watched Transformers, but I saw the movie and it was really (like, really) good. Anyway, she also has a boring white comforter instead of something fun like polka dots or swirlies! Oh, Natalie. You are so boring.

Anyway, it could have been her, although it would have been a little weird. Also, she is almost never in the room. I would know, since I am here most of the time. So, I don’t know when she could have stolen it! I didn’t want to mark her off my suspects list, though, because it was only her and me so far and someone has to have done it!

Now, it could (and I mean this in a pretty sure that it wasn’t kind of way) have been Kat. I mean, she is here kind of a lot. Who knows, maybe she got jealous of my awesome book collection and stole something. Though, I can’t imagine why she would take Mr. Darcy, Vampire. Kat is way (and I mean way) into manga, so it would make more sense for her to take some of that, but she could have just been jealous and snatched the first thing she found and not even realized what she had taken.

But then again, she is my best friend. She probably wouldn’t steal my books, no matter how jealous of my awesomeness she might be. No, I decided. I can probably mark Kat off the list. This wasn’t going very well. Maybe I should look for more clues.

I started looking more carefully around the bookshelf, trying to find fingerprints. I remember seeing some show that said you could use tape to catch fingerprints, so I got out some tape. But then I remembered that you had to dust for them, and I already had too much dust and none of it had fingerprints on it! So, I got my baby powder and sprinkled it all over the bookshelf, trying to make out fingerprints. It didn’t work! Also, it was really hard to keep neat, especially when I kept accidentally breathing on it and blowing it all over the place. I gave up on my powdery shelf for the time being.

I had a thought. This was the perfect time to search Natalie’s side of the room, just in case she had stolen Mr. Darcy, Vampire. I opened her closet and almost threw up. It was so neat. I never noticed before that she pretty much wears the same thing every day. Jeans and t-shirt. And the t-shirts all say stupid things like “If Math was easy, it would be called YOUR MOM” and stuff. My shirts are way better. When I am wearing a t-shirt. Usually, I like to mix things up a bit and wear a blouse one day and a muu muu the next. But, like I said, Natalie is boring.

Anyway, there was no book in the closet (though I hoped she wouldn’t notice the powdery handprints I left when I pushed her shirts aside to see if there was a false back to the wardrobe (Heyy! You never know!)). No fear, though, there were plenty of places for me to look. I went through her drawers, which were really organized. She didn’t have loose papers anywhere. And all of her notebooks were just plain red or green or something. None of them had Professor Snape on the cover or an adorable kitten or anything! Oh, Natalie.

Anyway, after going through her desk, looking under her bed, searching her wardrobe and even checking the refrigerator, I had not found my book. I had made a bit of a mess, but it probably wasn’t anything that Natalie would notice. Although, she was so anal about these things that she actually could notice probably. I just don’t understand how she can call herself alive when she lives like this.

Thinking about that a little more, I wondered something. I know that science is like, way advanced and stuff these days. And I know that they can make robots. So… what if Natalie was a robot!? Probably not. But she could be! That would be so scary. Like in the Matrix when the robots take over the world…. I bet that’s going to happen someday. Which would be so bad except that Keanu Reeves is hot so at least there is that aspect to be good, right?

Suddenly, I had an idea. Where would a robot hide a book? I just had to put myself in the mind of the criminal. Okay, so I was a robot, right? Assuming that Natalie did it and that she is a robot (which I totally bet she is, it explains so much). So, I walked around like a robot for a while, trying to figure out where a robot would put a book. Actually, what would a robot do with a book? Can robots read? This was all so interesting. I have to remember to write a story about it on Fanfiction. And the heroine will be just like me.

I sat down at my computer and started typing. I can write stories really fast when I try to. This one was completely made up, though, so I would have to put it on fictionpress. Anyway, I started out the story with one of my really awesome author’s notes, telling everyone not to flame me, but to give me constructive criticism. I love constructive criticism. Except, sometimes people like to nitpick and find all of my tiny grammar mistakes and then, when I respond to them, they tell me that I can’t write and like, that’s not very nice! I’m pretty sure there are rules against that!

Anyway, I explained all of this. Then I started describing my main character. She was just like me, except maybe a little different. She was very tall and extremely pale (almost like a vampire). I may not be that tall, but I am not short, that’s for sure. She had chestnut coloured hair that glittered in the moonlight and thoughtful hazel eyes (just like me!) Also, she was good at pretty much everything and liked to wear pink and black, because she’s kind of a bad girl. That reminded me, I hadn’t gotten dressed yet!

I had been sitting around all day in my pajamas (which are really cute, but are totally not badass). They have little ducks on the pants and the shirt is a tank top that says “Team Edward” because I am totally team Edward. So, I finished up my story really fast and posted it on Fictionpress. I am going to be such a good writer someday, when I’m not busy painting masterpieces. Actually, I’m probably going to illustrate all my own books. That would be so cool!

Anyway, I had to go get dressed, so that I could maybe do some crime fighting outside. And what is a good crime fighting outfit? Well, leather, of course! I am just like cool anime people and my closet shows that. Today, I decided on leather pants and a pink tank top, with a purple sweater (because it’s kind of cold outside!) and a cool newspaper boy kind of hat. It looked really good.

While I was dressing, I had an idea! I should check Natalie’s bed! Maybe she’d hidden the book under her pillow or something. I bet she did. So I dug through her sheets and pillows and tried to find it, but I guess it wasn’t there because I certainly didn’t. My detective work was really not going very well, which was too bad. I mean, if there had been more clues or something, I totally could have solved this crime. But there just wasn’t anything to help me at all!

Tired of detective work, I plopped down on my bed and lay, looking up at Robert Pattinson and Orlando Bloom. I sighed. And guess who came in! Natalie! I sat up, really quickly, and grabbed my computer, pretending to be working. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice the tiny bit of disorder that I hadn’t had time to clean up before she got home.

She did. She looked around and saw the baby powder all over my bookcase, the handprints I’d left on her closet and her rumpled sheets. I hadn’t closed all of the drawers in her desk properly either and some of the notebooks in it were sticking out, from me looking at them. She went really red. “What the…” she began, but was cut off by a second voice, behind her.

Her best friend Daria was standing in the hall, looking over her shoulder. “What is it?” she wanted to know. Natalie came quickly into the room and looked around at the tiny mess I had made. “What did you do!?” she demanded, rather meanly. “What on earth is wrong with you? Why did you do this!?” I was quite offended by the way that she was shouting at me, so I said, as calmly as possible, “I was looking for a book of mine which I believe you stole.” I didn’t really believe that, but I figured a little bluff wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“You mean this book?!” Natalie said, taking a book from Daria, who was staying in the hallway, away from all of Natalie’s banshee like shouting. “Daria borrowed it this morning! She only had it for a few hours and we left you a note on the whiteboard!” There is a whiteboard on our door, where we can leave each other notes. I always forget to check it, though.

“Yeah, right.” I said, still bluffing. Maybe I could trick them into admitting to having stolen it and not planned to return it! “Like I believe that! What would you do with a book? You guys are all, like….. sciencey!”

“I AM AN ENGLISH MAJOR” shouted Natalie as she threw the book at me and slammed the door. Alone with my book, I smiled to myself. I knew it was Natalie all along. As mom had always said, “Go with your instincts.” I had and look where it got me. It got me Mr. Darcy, Vampire back. Success. Another day of good detective work. Another case closed. Another Abigail Dentura mystery solved.