Formerly Known as The Tooth Fairy

To whom it may concern,

         

My name is Cadence, and I would like to request a change in profession.  I have been in this field for about twenty years now-twenty long, agonizing years. I spent all my time collecting the decaying remnants of the body from underneath the pillows of children. In their place, I left money. That is correct; I put a monetary value on parts of the body.

         Being the official Tooth Fairy is a tough job, and one that I was more than ready to deal with. When I first started the job, I was thrilled to donate my skills to give children quarters in exchange for their lost teeth. I was friendly; I gave quarters to children whose teeth were rotted from candy and soda. I was compassionate; I gave quarters to children who had lost the evidence of the lost tooth, and had cried themselves to sleep thinking I would not arrive. I was amusing; I went around dressed in a sparkly blue dress of tulle and glittered wings, with my blonde hair tied back with dental floss. You will see in my profile that I looked the part, and did my job well. My previous employers had no complaints, and frankly, neither did I. I loved helping children collect money for teeth. Let’s face it, once a tooth leaves the body, what use can it be?

I used to believe children deserved to gain some reassurance from losing a tooth. Losing a body part can be distressing, and until a new tooth grew back they would have to eat carefully. The ones who lost the upper right and left centrals (the front teeth, in layman’s terms) were the most depressing. My worst moment as the Tooth Fairy was giving a quarter to a girl who had lost both her front teeth; she could not eat her favorite meal, corn on the cob. I simply felt I was not giving her enough to make up for it. Oh, losing the bicuspids, laterals, or the molars can be worrisome, but chewing is still possible when one loses those teeth. Losing the front teeth may look adorable in a school picture, but for some children the responsibility is just too harsh. Or so I thought.

Now, as I spend my twenty-first year working as the Tooth Fairy, I realize a sad lack of respect for the job. Children are no longer satisfied with a quarter, or even two. They want more. I have tried being more appealing, even tried updating my look now and again. There is just no pleasing them. The teeth are arriving is worse condition than before, some so bad they can barely be considered teeth anymore. I get letters from some children, asking for more cash than just a friendly quarter, or even a dollar. One child-a young boy about six- wanted me to give him ten whole dollars! That is preposterous, and while I still left him a small fortune under his pillow, I felt my passion for my profession starting to wane.

The turning point of my decision happened not too long ago. I understand that children are curious about what I truly look like, and how I speak and act. I have run into more than one child who has sat up late at night, blearily looking out their window hoping for a glimpse of me. But this child, a girl who could not have been more than eight, had set up a trap! She had wired the window so when I appeared; a cup fell on top of me. I spent several minutes fighting claustrophobia and panic as I tried to push the cup on the edge of sill, all the while trying not to wake the girl. Thankfully I got out safely, but was so distraught I did not take the tooth, or leave the money.

That is why I am asking for a change.  This job is simply not for me; I cannot work in a position where my personal safety is a risk. I wish I could say that I can change with the times, but I cannot. Children have become too greedy, too demanding for me to handle. I would like to start new, with a fresh outlook, instead of working in a job where I have to wear a construction helmet and carry around one-hundred dollar bills. Please understand my disappointment in my job, and myself. I cannot face the challenges that the Tooth Fairy of today must face, and would like to be placed in a safer institution. Perhaps, if I may be so bold, I could work for another creature who gives out free gifts. Particularly one that no child questions; the Easter Bunny, maybe? I hope you understand my sincerity in wanting a new career, and will take the time to consider my new placement.

                                                                                         

Sincerely,

Cadence

Formerly known as the Tooth Fairy