The Guy Online

I’ll die if you don’t pass in front of me again
That’s what he said in the letter he sent me
Who are you?
I wanted to ask, but I could only do it in my head
How do you know me, and where I live?
How is it possible for you to write me
A handwritten letter
With such
Love and adoration?
I fold the love letter
And place it in the box with the others
Your smile is like a shining diamond,
Your skin is soft velvet.
That’s what he said in the e-mail he sent me
Who are you?
It seems that I’ve typed that a million times
And again I receive the same answer:
The one who loves you, and your lover to be
I sigh
I’m tempted to exit my account
But, he will only send me a hundred more messages
Even if I’m not on
Might as well end the conversation with him satisfied
That doesn’t really help, you know.
I tap my fingertips on the desk
You want to know about me, kitten?
I stick my tongue out in disgust, yuck
If that will make you leave me alone.
Stupid, Slimy, Slug
Obsessive love-stuck man
Stalker…
You want me
I roll my eyes
You love my letters
I burn them
You get turned on when I watch you
I feel as if this computer is molesting me
I shiver, this is enough
I turn off my instant message
It’s been three months
Since he gave me his first gift
On my birthday
A set of black and red lingerie
With a tag that said,
“You’ll be mine soon”
I go to my room for sleep
It’s half past twelve
I shed my clothes and put on a nightgown
That he gave me on Valentines Day
I do not like him
I hate him
I despise him
But he gives me nice things
My room is covered to the brim in gifts
Even with the pretty dresses and flirty shoes
I feel like I’m suffocating
With the artificial love he gives me
“You’ll be mine soon”
Reads the tags that fill my room
Attached to tokens of affection
Two hours later
Beep-Beep-Beep
I hear my computer turn on
I groan and turn over
Beep-Beep-Beep
There are a lot of whys in this world
And this is one of them
I arise from the comfort of my bed
I pull the short nightgown to cover my bare thighs
Beep-Beep-Beep
Is my computer an alarm clock?
The screen is blue and there is a message
I squint my eyes
Oh kitty, I want to eat you. Lick you hard and rough, and make you meow.
I want you to purr when I drink your milk.
My stomach turns and my legs shake
I can’t take this anymore
It’s too much
I unplug my computer
I slowly return to my bedroom
I feel dizzy from lack of sleep
I reach out
To grab a hold of something stable
In the darkness of the night
I clutch a warm leather jacket
With a man inside
He is sitting on my bed
My heart pumps
My mouth becomes dry
“Hello kitty-cat.”
He whispers
And pulls me against him
“Will you satisfy a dog in heat?”
This is a hallucination
I stand at my door
Looking upon an empty bed
With an imagination that makes my heart stop
Out my window,
There is a small bag and a
Bouquet of red roses
Reaching my window with shaky breaths
I unlock it and reach out for the gifts
I gently lie the fresh flowers on my nightstand
I sit on my spacious bed
And undo the bow around the pink aluminum bag
A little brown bear sits on its bottom
Tiny, plastic black eyes stare at me
A small smile and button nose
A silver keychain hanging from its back
It holds a fuzzy red box
I remove the box from the stuffed bear
And pop it open
Reviling a silver ring
Covered in rubies
An inscription inside the ring
Reads
“I love you Sweetheart”
I leave the ring in its place
And add the box to the others
Creating a row of eight
Laying on my back
The short, white nightgown
Fans to my sides
I can’t sleep anymore
With this uneasiness crawling on my skin
The fading moon
Shines its gray light through the widows
Creating a thousand sparkles around the room
From the dresses, shoes, and rings
And much more
Hair spread out on my pillows
I hold my forehead
As the room begins to darken once more…
He dreamed of her again last night
He recalls while
Laying naked
In a bed similar to hers
He dreams of her every night
But the dreams don’t just stop there
He dreams in the morning, evening and until night
When he’s asleep
With his arms behind his head
He stares at the blank ceiling
His dream was beautiful
Her touch so gently
Her kisses so soft
As they made love
As they always do every night
He runs his hands through his dark hair
Mimicking her the best way he can
When she smoothly fondled with his hair
In the dream
He then turns to his side
Covering his face, he
Begins to cry once again
As he did the moment he woke up
From his loving dream
Making love to her only happens in dreams
That is why he cries every morning
He whips his tears with shaky fingers
Reaches out
And grabs a pillow
Holding it tightly against his bare chest
As if it where her
He then remembers
What she wore to bed last night
He smiles
The white, silky nightgown
That he gave her on their “one month anniversary”
He sighs
If only she will wear the dozens of lingerie
That he gives to her nearly every night
The man pushes the white blanket off his waist
The sunrise gleams on his back
He sits on the side of the bed
And slowly rises
He begins to pace around the almost empty room
Holding his chin
Thinking what to give to her this morning
The ruby ring from last night
Used most of his pay check
So nothing too expensive today
He has an idea
Walking to a dresser
Especially for her
He gingerly pulls out by the straps:
A summer dress
Light blue in color
With a soft pink bow around the middle
He smiles
Rubbing the cotton fabric against his cheek
Even this may not be
Enough for her
But now it’s the love that matters
Until he gets more money
He bends down to look under the bed
Searching for a gift box
A dark purple box
From his sister’s birthday
Placing the box on his desk
He works in perfection
Wiping carefully for dust
He takes out his painting supplies
He’s an art student
At a local university
After cleaning
He paints
The birthday box becomes the color of periwinkle
Much lighter then its old purple
The paint
Drying slowly
Makes him aggravated
He wants it to be done
To send a gift to his lover
He smiles again
Thinking about her
She will be his
Soon, very soon
He sighs
And looks for a picture
A picture hidden in a drawer
The closest he ever gotten to seeing her
Naked
She was tired coming home from work
It was late in the night
And he was waiting for her
Like he always did
Outside the widow
With a camera around his neck
And a video tape always rolling
He loves her so much
He can’t stand it
He wants to be part of her life so terribly
She began taking off her uniform
With the lights still on
Which,
She doesn’t do very often
He was so shocked
To see her peeling off her clothes
In front of him
He took silent pictures
Shaking in anticipation
She then fell onto the bed
Covering herself before removing her bra
The dear kitten fell asleep…
He stayed for nearly an hour
Watching over her
Gazing
And wishing
To be laying next to her
To hold her and love her
He wanted her to move in her sleep
So he may see her luscious breasts
But she did not
She stayed as still as stone
A gorgeous statue
He felt so near to her
The only thing separating the two of them
Was the window
His lips trembled
He wanted to claw at the glass
To be inside
To hold her,
To touch her,
To make her feel happy,
To make her love him as much as he loves her
He left after taking one more picture
Of her peaceful sleeping form
Too scared to make much noise
From having the need to cry from loneliness…
Taking the picture out
Laying down on the bed
He touches himself
He brings the picture so close to his face
It’s the only thing he can see
He whispers her name
Longing and loving
Acting as if it’s her hand touching him
He stops suddenly
When a knock at the door sounded
He blushes when hiding the photo
“Y-yes?” He calls out,
Still flustered
“Big Bro,
I’m going to my friend,
Do you want me to tell her anything?”
He puts a pair of boxers on
And presses his back on the door
“Tell her that I love her so much
That I’ll die if I can’t hold her,
Also say that I want to marry her
And I can’t wait to see her pregnant belly.”
He slowly falls to the floor
Folding his knees to his chest
Resting his forehead
He hears his younger sister
Walking away
He clenches his fist
“She… will… be… mine!”
He yells
Beating his fist
Against the wooden door…
I woke up late this morning
From being awake last night
I yawn
Changing my clothes
To a pair of pink shorts and a white tank top
To be more comfortable
When my friend comes over
Every morning she appears
In front of my doorstep
To chat and decide
My clothing for the day
She loves to pick and match
And she’s bubbly
For being one younger than me
We both go to the same university
A local one
Here in the city
Turning on some soft music
I grab a cherry red lollypop
And go to my computer
After pushing the power button
I sit in my chair
Leaning back
Hearing the squeal
Was a normal routine
Everything is a routine now
Wake up
Look out the window for a gift
If none,
Change out of any sensuous night clothing
That he gave me
Call my friend
Then look out the window again
If still no gift,
Go on the computer…
He has changed
My Life
Too much
That now
He’s part of my “normal” routine
Strange,
So very strange
That the past few months
Have come to this
To have a stalker…
I sigh
This is the closest I can ever get to a boyfriend
Huh,
Life must be so weird…
I suck on the lollypop, when
My offline messages pop on the screen
Good morning my little doll
That must be my new nickname
For today
Everyday is different
Always a new name to be called
As if a tag that I’m labeled with
A new inscription on a collar…
Good morning to you too, freak.
I giggle, pressing enter
It makes me sad when you call me that
I smile
That’s the point.
I crunch the remains of the candy
It makes me moan when you tease me like that
My eyes turn wide
I raise an eyebrow
Why are you so weird?
I wait
You’re mad at me, aren’t you?
Well, duh! You stalk me!
‘Cause I didn’t give you a gift this morning
I smack my face
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Man
Don’t worry, it’s coming soon. I just finished preparing it.
Yeah, that’s just what I want
For you to come to my home
To watch me,
And control my privacy
He frightens me to no end
I’m scared to even leave my house
He follows me everywhere
I always feel his presence
I feel his stare
I hear his whispers
As if they echo in my head
I can’t take them out-
The ringing of the doorbell
Takes me back to
Realization
Skipping down the steps of the stairs
I hurry to the door
With a smile on my face
I open the door
To reveal:
A man
Before me
With a bouquet of tulips
A fearful look on his face
And a blindfold around his eyes
With shivering hands
He pushes the pink tulips
Closer to me
“Here darling.”
His face pales
And takes a big breath,
“Will you love me,”
His hands are shaking so terrible
That the flowers begin trembling
“Precious doll?”
I stare with wide eyes
An imaginary image
My friend stands in front me
With a grin on her face
And her hands behind her back
She smiles
“Hey there!” My friend waves
I continued staring,
For a split second…
I couldn’t breath
Today, my new nickname is doll
I’m his doll
The toy he plays with
The toy he squeezes
The toy he dresses up
His little doll
The doll that stays quiet
But I will stay silent no longer
For I will do something about this
I will not let him play with me anymore
“H-h-hi.”
I plaster a tiny smile on my lips
I move, for her to come in
I hop up the steps with a bounce in my step
My friend following
She makes me happy in this empty world
With no one but myself
She makes me laugh and smile at times
Of despair
Times when I can’t take anything any longer
She’s there to comfort me
My parents have left me in this big hollow home
With no one but myself
But I love my parents
I’m at peace to keep myself company
However,
With him around,
I feel fearful
When I received the first gift,
I thought it was strange but sweet,
Although now,
It angers me, it saddens me, it sickens me
For him to know so much about me
When I have never spoken a word to his face
Nor do I even know the face to speak to
Laying down on the bed
My friend looks through the clothes in my closet
She sighs and frowns
Not finding anything pleasing to her eyes
Turning
And gazing throughout the bedroom
Her eyes land on the multiple stacks of
Dresses, pants, skirts, shirts, shoes…
All from him
Everything that shines and sparkles
And is worth of value
Is all from him
My follower
Me being the one followed
“Why don’t you wear these clothes?”
My dear friend asks me
With a wondered look
I hold onto my skull
“How can I?”
I wanted to say in spite
“Wearing and using
The gifts he sends me
Would be a form of
Acceptance.”
I could never want him
I wish for him to leave
I cannot accept him
Never
She appears to be slightly saddened
When laying on the floor
A beautiful outfit,
Customized with jewels and flare
Smothered in excellent quality
Turning my back
I removed my gaze
From the clothing that I longed to wear
Everything he gives me is perfect
So perfect
That it makes my skin crawl in glee
How does he know so much about me?
Everything
He knows everything
I want to hide
From my shadow…
Me and my friend are running
Around the city park
With shorts and shirts
And running shoes
I pant from lack of air
Holding my chest
I drink from my tinted purple- water bottle
Holding my knees
My friend stops beside me
In a state similar to mine
With my hair pulled up, I breath in fresh air
He’s watching
I know he is
I regret fanning myself with my white shirt
Knowing that he has a good view
In the bushes he’s hiding in
I know his favorite and only hiding spots
I know the exact angles of where he looks
He’s looking at my chest and stomach right now
He’s well aware that me and my friend always take a break here
Cooling ourselves down from the morning jog
I want to walk over to him
And punch him in the face
How dare he
Watch me like this
I stare a certain green bush when walking down the side walk
I can feel his eyes
Rooming my sweating body
I feel so exposed
So naked
When I know he’s staring at me
I bought a baseball bat before returning home…
“We have to get ready.”
My friend tells me
“Classes will start in a couple of hours.”
She departs to her home
Leaving me alone in my room
With the pretty outfit on the floor
I lay down on the clothes
Rubbing myself on the silky material
I sigh
Why does he have to be like this?
Giving me things like this
It’s as if he gives me things
In the form of an offering to a Goddess
I look out my window
To see a light purple box
On the edge of the window sill
I cleafully slid open the window
And grasp the gift from the ledge
Pulling it inside
I look over the cover
A picture of me licking a jusiy red lollipop
Wearing a pick corset and garter belt
Sitting on a red couch with an outline of a man
My shadow
Holding my waist in the drawing
I shudder
Flinging the top cover across the room
I stare at
A box full of red candies, lollipops
I search through the candy
Finding a nice periwinkle sundress
I smile
But immediately frown
Why am I happy?
I go to pick up the cover I threw earlier
Under the cover is a picture that I didn’t notice before
In the middle of the night
Two lovers show their skin
Laying in a bed of glamour
Holding each other
A blanket only covers their waists
A mask also covers the man’s face from view
Of course
A mask
Covers my shadow’s face
So I don’t see who he is…
Written on the bottom of the picture
“Soon you will lick my sucker” and a winking smiley
I grimace
How dare he say such things
I turn back to the clothes on the carpet
Maybe,
I gaze at the clothing,
Just this once
I hold onto the shirt and skirt
Just this once…
I walk out of my home
With black laced up high-heel boots
White silky stockings
A shimmery, short silver skirt
A violet shirt with a flirty cut and soft fabric
I carry a black coat
A pink neclace around my neck
A pink ring on my finger
On my sholder,
A purple bag with black bows
Everything is from him
Why am I wearing this?
And
I smile
Why do I feel so happy?
I strut down the city sidewalk
Why do I feel so confident?
The sound of my heels act in place of my heartbeat
I step down the stairs of the entrence
To the metro, subway
After buying a ticket
I enter the underground train
I feel many eyes on me
Envious women
Lecherous men
And his is out of place
He stares with love and adoration
For I am wearing his gifts
His beautiful gifts that snug closely to my body
I’m accepting him
I curse myself
Why am I wearing this
I feel as if these clothes are burning my skin
With burden and regret
I look amazing
But my heart seems twisted
I’ve been overcome by the Devil himself
My shadow, my grinning shadow
I hold onto the support above me when the train begins to move
I sence him nearing me with hollow steps
Staring at me with insane eyes
Holding me with imaginary arms
I feel so close to dieing
It’s like a ghost that follows my every step
Staring me down
Invisible when I search for it
Even after three months have passed
I still feel paranoid
Knowing that I’m being watched is most dreadful…
Arriving at school
I still couldn’t think straight
I grip my pencil so hard that it might snap between my fingers
I can’t stop thinking about
How disappointing I am in myself
I could I do this?
My stalker will think that I’m okay with him doing this
Watching me
Following me
Writing to me
Soon the class was about to end
When a small group of students entered the room
A teacher clearing his throat and announcing
“These art students need about five volunteers for personal portraits”
A few students in my class raise their hands
I too, become a volunteer
Having a portrait done may be enjoyable
The teacher writes our names down
“The five students that raised their hands will go to the art room after school”
I glance over the group of art students
And immediately regret becoming a volunteer
I feel his eyes
I can hear his silent thoughts
He’s one of the art students…
My mind racing when our professor dismisses us
I twitch nervously while walking towards the art room
Why did I have to do this?
I hold unto the handle
Can I just run away and say I was sick?
I breath in
And breath out
I open the door…
Five individuals stand before me
Two female and three males
One of the men is my stalker
My shadow
My follower
And I know who it is
The one who cannot take his eyes off of me
The one who immediately asked for me to be his model
The one who takes me to a separate room to be all alone with him
My heart trembles in fear and in anticipation
The classroom gives off an orange glow from the sunset
He sits in front of a canvas
While I stand before him
My shadow is so beautiful
Bright electric blue eyes look at me lovingly
Black raven colored hair that I so wish to touch
Fair pale skin that looks so soft
He smiles at me
A delicious smile that makes my heart melt
My pulse pumps rapidly while he looks at me
His words from past messages hit me like a tidal wave
My head spins from his sensual suggestions and loving gifts
He smiles and blushes when he gives me direction
“This is a semi-nude portrait.” He grins. “Take your shirt and skirt off.”
I slowly pull of my shirt and tug the zipper off the skirt
My skin makes him happy, and his heart beat fast
“Sit over there.” He smirks. “And spread your legs for me.”
I…
have come to accept him