Contemplation

Contemplation

I once heard that contemplation is experiencing a freedom and union of the mind and soul in the presence of God. I had yet to experience it for myself but I knew I liked to be alone; it gave me time to think. To understand my life.

I sat down on the flattest rock I could find and buried my bare feet beneath the cool golden sand. The slow and steady heat of the sun rippled along my back and made me shiver. It was a glorious day but yet I was alone on the mile-long stretch of beach that had come to be my second home. The contrails of long past airplanes were left upon the sky like memories. The only ‘clouds’ amongst the clear blue that mirrored the water below.

I folded my arms across my chest and closed my tired eyes, tilting my head back into the welcoming rays of sunshine. The noises around me were familiar but yet I listened intently. The gentle roar of the waves and the breeze that rustled through the maraam grass of the sand banks calmed me and washed over all my senses. The cry of hungry seagulls woke me from my daydream.

I loved this place. The horse-shoe shaped bay; sheltered by mountain ranges at three sides and the fourth opening out into the vast Atlantic Ocean. I knew this place wasn’t mine but it felt like it was in every way. It was a little paradise free from the negativity of a cruel world. That world had offered me plenty of it cruelty and I with no choice but to accept it. Sometimes I felt trapped, as if I was on the other side of a mirror. A reflection looking out upon the world. Never being part of it but wanting to so badly.

I was tired and weary. Would I ever find true happiness or would my life be like this forever? So I sat there and waited. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for. Relief, forgiveness, kindness? I didn’t know. I sat on that rock and absorbed the atmosphere around me, watching the sun move ever so slowly from East to West.

And then it came. I stood and clenched my fists. The anger and hurt erupted from my body as I let out a scream that racked my being and hurled my emotions towards the darkening sky.


And then it was over. I slumped backwards onto the damp sand. I lay there feeling the dampness soaking into my t-shirt and into the back of my denim shorts. My heavy breathing from the exertion quickly turned to sobs. Tears streamed from my eyes, back across my face, collecting in my ears and hair and forming little patches on the sand.

The tide was coming in and a cold wind rushed over me towards the sea where it trashed in the water. Creating grey waves that rose and crashed into the seabed. I wanted the tide to come in and sweep me away; to wash away my memories, to help me forget, to bring me to another place. The sea was calling me.

Wiping my eyes and rising stiffly I stumbled to the water. I gasped at the first touch of its icy clutch upon my ankles. I stood there, letting the gentle swell run up the sand to meet my feet and recede again as if it feared me. As if I was untouchable.

I gazed at the sparkling sun that was setting behind the mountains to the West of the bay. Brilliant colours of orange and pink spread across the landscape like a patchwork quilt and warmed my soul. A hand reached out and cradled me in its palm. A seed of hope planted itself within my broken heart and whispered love into all its cracks.

Reality dawned. I was cold and hungry. Goosebumps had sprung up on my arms and legs. I stretched my hands up to the sky as if to embrace it. I didn’t want to be alone...but knew I never truly would be.

It was time to go home.

Rachel H 2011