My Tormentor

Happiness or lack of it is either created or denied by ones self. The most potent adversary of any individual is self. It is self who is always so critical. It is self who is always putting me down. It is self who is constantly nagging me and never lets me live down the mistakes I've made.

I experience this every day. I'm always hearing my self talk. Telling me I'm a fuck up or telling me I could have done better or that I'll never accomplish the things that I dream of because I'm not good enough.

Self never shuts up, it's relentless. The constant chatter of self is enough to drive me to mental ruin. Self is always questioning my integrity, my competence and my motives. Self never has anything encouraging to say. The minute I start thinking that things are good or will get better, self steps in with a few comments like, "You'll never be able to do it! Who do you think you are? What makes you think you'll ever be able to pull that off?" or the really depressing comment, "You're not worthy!"

I've been dealing with this tormentor all of my life. It never lets up. It's there day after day and torchers me with it's constant reminders of how inadequate I am. If only self would shut up and leave me alone. Things would be much better.

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