Is there a happily ever after?!

Battle of the sexes - is there a happily ever after?!

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
~ Katherine Hepburn ~

I have one very important question I want to ask God when I meet Him one day – why did you create men and women to be so different and then expect them to live together happily? Just seems like such a cruel joke.

We have been created with the desire to find someone to love and who will love us. The path to finding this, however, is often fraught with difficulties.

Why?

Because women don't understand men and men don't understand women!

For example, a woman assumes that if a man loves her, he will automatically know what she needs and wants. When he doesn’t, she’s upset. What we need to realise is that men can’t read our minds and they are generally not as intuitive as women are. Women can sense someone’s emotions and needs and respond to it. Most men are not naturally this intuitive – they generally need to be told things specifically. Sometimes though, even when we tell them what we want, they still don’t do it. Insanely frustrating, isn’t it?

One of my female colleagues is getting married in 20 days. She has done all the work in arranging the wedding. Now, we women know that men don't give a flying feather about what the flower arrangements look like, how many tiers the cake has or what colour paper the freaking wedding invitation is printed on. Just tell them what to wear, where to go and what time to be there – and they'll pitch up. That's about the extent of the involvement they want to have in a wedding. Yes, we get that.

So my colleague has done all the work with the wedding arrangements. She just requested one thing for her fiancé to do – write out the names of his family members on the table seating plan. Her fiancé is Lebanese so she doesn't know how to spell all the names. A simple request – she gave him a whole week to do it. The day before she meets with the printer to give him the names for the placecards and he still hasn't done this ONE thing she asked him to do. When she freaked out about it, he yelled at her saying he didn't have time – he was busy!

“BUSY”, she screamed when telling us the story. “I'm also busy, I also have a job. I've done ALL the work on this wedding! He's done NOTHING! And the one thing I ask him to do he can't even be bothered to do!” She burst into tears. She was so upset. She felt like ripping his head off. She felt he didn't care. She felt like cancelling the wedding!

I chuckled. I wasn't laughing at her or the situation. She was quite justified in feeling upset. I laughed because I understood. If I had been in her situation I too would've been in tears. Hell, I've lost my temper with a guy over much less important issues! I'm a woman, I get why she's upset. I get that she felt a bit taken for granted, that she felt hurt that he hadn't bothered to help her with this one thing for THEIR wedding – the most important day of their lives. Men often don’t understand that things like this hurt us. They don’t think it’s such a big deal.

So in the office kitchen 3 of us ladies listened while she vented. We understood, we consoled and hugged her. Her fiancé realised he had been wrong (bless him!), so he sent her a message saying he's sorry. He tried to be light-hearted and make her to laugh. But she was not impressed and just ignored it! Again, I laughed because again I understood. Men will get mad and get over it in the next instant. But women, we can stay mad for days! We don't just get over it – especially if our feelings have been hurt. It's just the way we are.
She'll be fine, the wedding will take place and hopefully they'll live happily ever after! :)

Differences between men and women. This, I'm convinced, is the reason I am still single at 38. I don't understand men and so I handle them all wrong.

It's not that I haven't tried to understand them. I've read a lot of books in an effort to gain understanding:
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray
• Secrets every woman should know about men – Barbara De Angelis
• Fascinating Womanhood – Helen Andelin
• Think like a Man, Act like a Woman – Steve Harvey
• Secrets of Attraction – Sandra Anne Taylor

Can you tell I've been in search of answers for a long time! Sadly, the ones who read these types of books are usually only women. You will rarely find a man reading books on how to understand women! So in the end, it is usually up to women to find a way to understand and co-exist better with men. I guess that's only fair – we are the more complicated of the species! But it would be nice if men tried to understand why we are the way we are! Meet us halfway, please!

Well, despite having read many books on the subject, all of which give some great advice, and I promise myself at the end of every book that next time I will do better. Unfortunately all of that miraculously goes out the window the minute I find myself involved in the next relationship. Why – my female brain automatically kicks in! I can't stop it, it just happens! Plus I become insecure, emotional, demanding, critical, disapproving, my expectations are too high. And soon enough, I've messed up another relationship! Someone save me from myself!

The good news is, I have finally recognised this. I had my ah-ha moment about 2 months ago when a guy I was dating suddenly disappeared. No reason, no explanation, just POOF – gone! I was devastated, confused, hurt. I felt crushed and rejected. The jerk – how could he! Was it all a lie – did I mean nothing to him? Was I just a fling? Eventually the questions progressed to, what did I do wrong? Was it my fault?

As much as I hate to admit it, but yes, it was my fault. I've done a lot of soul searching since Mr Disappearing Act pulled a runner. I stumbled across a great blog by Evan Marc Katz on dating and relationship advice for women. I discovered his e-book “Why He Disappeared” - of course, I had to buy it! That had been the burning question for me and I needed answers!

It confirmed my suspicions – he left because I was too demanding, too critical, too disapproving. I found fault with everything. I didn't appreciate the good in him. I didn't acknowledge the fact that he tried very hard to please me and treated me really well. Instead, I focused on the things I didn't like. No-one likes to feel they can never do anything right and that they are not accepted for who they are. If I had been in his shoes, I would have disappeared too.

So here I am a few months later, much more enlightened.

I'd like to briefly share what I've learnt about men and relationships with men – 6 books, a few blogs and many knocks to the head later:

1) Men need to be admired.

2) Men need to be respected.

3) Men need to be appreciated.

4) Men want to be needed. If we're too self-sufficient and express that we can do it all ourselves, they feel they are not needed. Believe it or not, they want to be our hero. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with independence – but allow him to help carry the shopping bags, lift boxes, pay the bills, help fix the car, solve some of our problems, take care of you. Remember, men love fixing problems! No need to lose your independence or be fake about needing help, just maintain your femininity – it complements his masculinity.

5) Men want to be accepted just as they are. They do not want someone trying to change them. They will change if they choose to change. We will not change them.

6) Men make mistakes and appreciate it if we allow them to make them from time to time without coming down hard on them all the time.

7) Men want to please us and make us happy. When they feel that they are not making us happy, they become frustrated and feel like a failure.

8) Men want and need to be loved, just like women do. They are not all players. They are not all 'just looking for one thing'. There are plenty out there who want an intimate connection and lasting relationship with a woman.

• And the most important lesson I learnt is, it doesn't matter how beautiful or sexy a woman is, if she doesn't make him feel good about himself, her beauty alone won't keep him. He'll leave and find someone who does make him feel like a million bucks and you may be surprised to find she may not even be that beautiful.

If there are any male readers out there, please feel to agree, disagree or add to the list. Not that this is a list cast in stone – it is merely some observations and knowledge gleaned. Given my track record, I am clearly no expert on the subject and am open to learning more!

I am not really ready to tackle the dating world again. However, when I am ready to dip my toe into the water again, hopefully I will not make the same mistakes. I am working on my insecurities, my fears and issues. I am aware of the fact I am carrying all the hurt and bad experiences of past relationships around with me and taking it into every new relationship. I am aware of the fact that my fears and insecurities sabotage relationships. I am aware that I am a bit commitment phobic. I cannot go into another relationship projecting all of these issues on the next unsuspecting man! So first, I need to sort myself out.

It's been a long hard road and often I think I will never find that special someone. Perhaps the reason I haven't found him yet, is because I have not been ready. I need to first love myself (something I still struggle with) before I can expect someone else to love me.