Seven days

The first day

I cannot believe I have done what I just did.

We were in love and happy once. I was scared. I pushed you away. My fear came from so many things, how I felt, that I could lose myself in you, that I could lose you in me. You were my angel and I didn’t want my broken taint to pull the feathers from your wings. 

The falling in love was replaced by the falling of my mind, my issues too much to bear. I know, my angel, that if you knew about them you would want to ground yourself on my earth and carry me. I could not bear to see you unable to fly, the weight of my concerns being such a heavy burden.

My fear increased and I wanted to protect you, so I pushed you away. I denied my feelings, lying to both of us in kind. I knew my words hurt you, but I honestly believed a small hurt then would be better than the larger hurt I would cause in time.

So that is how we ended. We both moved on. You to someone who made you happy, while I drowned myself in various men that came along as if trying to replace the feelings you elicited. Of course, my endeavour failed and I found myself right where you found me, isolated from the things I experienced when I briefly flew with you.

Time passed and I kept telling myself I did not love you. I was over you. I had moved on. Of course these were all various forms of fiction which I utilised to try and continue my existence in your absence. When I could deny it to myself no longer, I went to thinking how I could not tell you. I could not bear to cause you any guilt over me, even though the decisions I made were my own and the feelings my cross to carry.

Despite this, we were drawn back to each other. I knew you were happy with your new life. Yet my words betrayed me and my feelings became known. Once one drop of water left the dam of my emotions, a torrent ensued and you knew that I thought of you every day, you were always in my thoughts and heart.

You tell me that you have always loved me since we met and still do. I can tell you I have loved you since I was a small girl, long before we crossed paths.

When I was a child, just starting primary school, I began having this recurring dream. I was in the arms of someone who evoked intense feelings within me. The grass was beneath me and the sun on my skin, I could hear the waves nearby. I could never see the face, but I always remembered how the arms that encircled me looked. When I woke, I did not know how to describe the emotion swelling within me, being too young to know how to define love.

Over the years, I looked for the arm when my lovers held me. I had begun to think it would never take place, that my childhood imagined both the scene and my feelings. Yet, years later I found myself in your arms near a beach. My dream was a reality and I think that is what scared me most of all, that even as a six year old girl I was dreaming of being with you.

What I cannot deny is how much I love you. I sacrificed the chance to be with you in order to protect you my angel. While I know how we both feel about each other, we are separated now by distance and others in our respective lives. I want nothing more than to make sure you are happy. I know she makes you happy and I know the conflict you currently feel now that I am back in your life and we are connected again.

This is why I have decided we should speak no further. Even if we do not talk of our emotions flowing beneath our every exchange, you know my soul and my feelings would betray me. The awareness of this will constantly cause you conflict, tearing you between your life and what we had. To remove this war of hearts and protect you my angel, I need to leave your life.

You argue with me that we will end up here again. We will always return to each other and are drawn by your very connection. I cannot deny that I will want to be near you in whatever capacity circumstances allow, but my desire to ensure your happiness needs to override my own selfishness.

Compromise occurs and seven days without speaking with you is agreed on. At the end of this time, if things have truly not improved for you within your heart, if your new love has not noticed that the fraying edges are being hemmed once more, then we know my plan is futile.

As I curl into my bed, I wish you were here. I want to tell you the silly little things that have happened. I want to share with you the tears which have been forthcoming since I took my action. I think about whether I can last the week and I tell myself I have to for your sake. I am so absolutely torn between wanting to hear you cannot do without me and wanting to hear that I was right and you are happy. I am weft in two between my own wants and what is best for you. I know you do not agree it is best, but maybe you will realise this in time and tell me that sometimes the best thing for someone is hard to do.

I pull the blankets over me and feel the warm tears on my cheeks as I let go of consciousness.



The second day

So many times I have gone to talk to you.  I want to hear your voice. I want to share the ins and outs of my day with you, from the movies I have watched, the joyous moments I have seen as I walk through the streets, even my hopes and fears.

In many ways I guess this is not surprising. I want to spend my life with you. Every waking moment I want you with me. That is why this decision is so hard. Even if we were to remain in contact, I could never have what my heart truly desires. I can never fly with you again my angel and due to this I must set you free to fly with another.

Still, the pain which should be getting easier is becoming worse. I do not know how much more of this I can take. The only thing getting me through this is that I know I am making this sacrifice, enduring this torment, in order to protect you and ensure you are happy. I know you could not bear to make the same decision, you are not that selfish my love, this is why I removed the choice from your hands and fell upon my own sword. Martyrdom is not something you want from me, but we cannot always have what we want and I see that now.

I try to distract myself, console myself in other daily routines. Yet, I continue to find myself trying to speak with you, stopping my actions before they cause irreparable damage. I have to make this decision work, even if you are the love of my life. In fact, it is because you are my dear heart that this plan has to succeed.

Please do not feel guilt over the pain I am forcing myself to somehow accept. While you are cognizant of my reasons involving you, it is not your decision to bear. It was one of my own choosing and one I would gladly choose again. If only to stop this internal conflict which is tearing you apart.

The tears have kept flowing on this day. I hide them from those around me and speak not of why they come forth. When the time to sleep arrives, I hold tight a simple stuffed animal, wondering if you can feel my arms around you. I have to banish such thoughts from my mind. I have to let you move on my love.



The third day

My life is over. I am coming to terms with the fact we are unlikely never to speak again aside from making this trial of ours permanent. While I am sure that you will assert my absence has not provided you solace, I do not doubt for a second that those with you now would notice the difference. That benefit may be indirect, but it is an improvement just the same and one which will cause me to remain steadfast in my choice.


I am dead inside. I am not the type to cause myself harm and I do not understand why people take their lives while facing this pain. I do not need to end the life of my body, my soul is dying as each day passes I do not have you in my life.

I walk through my day, numb, a shell of the existence I once had. I smile at others, hiding my pain. Yet I cannot deny that the things which once brought me joy now miss that spark, feeling grey to me.

The demise of my heart is bringing something that is almost callousness. I am not cold or vengeful about what I have lost; I am not wallowing in self-pity. I do not believe time will heal this wound, it is not the brokenness causing the lack of colour in my life, it is purely the absence of you.

I sit hear, writing these words. I want to tell you how excruciating this is for me. I want to talk to you, tell you how wrong I am and how neither of us could do this or should even try. My hesitation is the only thing saving us from our own undoing, bringing forth my rationality and reminding me of why I am undertaking this task.

I watch so many things, trying to distract myself from the temptation to contact you.  I am becoming weak my love, but I must stay strong for both of us. The only solace I am finding is when I write these words. It is the only time I can allow myself to think upon what has befallen us, channelling the emotional upheaval onto the page.

I hold the animal tighter as I try to slumber this night. I no longer wish you can feel me holding you. Now I know I should simply be wishing that you feel secure and safe, imagining her arms around you instead of mine. Alone in my bed, the tears fall freely and I sleep, with you in my dreams as it is now the only place we can be together.