The End of the Beginning

Buttoning up his shirt, John looked at the screen. Being fairly shy, he didn't go out much, and often took solace by losing himself online. He'd joined various casual gaming sites over the years, and had made some friends, but for some reason, when he first started talking with Tamsin, things clicked. Every morning now he would log on, just in case she was also around. He couldn't suppress the smile when he saw her name appear, and his fingers went to the keyboard.

John had a partner, but the relationship had been floundering for some time. Whilst he enjoyed her company, he knew deep down that he was not in love with her, and this was becoming increasingly evident as she pushed for a long term commitment. Marriage, children, these things terrified John, but he knew it was more to do with who he was with, rather than the notions themselves.

Still, he stayed, as he cared for Marie. She was very dependant on him, and he had a sense of duty to ensure that she was okay. But, they continued to drift apart. Sex became an infrequent event, and one that he would often make an excuse to avoid.

John had talked to a few of his friends about the situation, but he found himself turning more and more to Tamsin. She was an objective observer, untainted by friendships and the like, and continuously provided him with sound advice. As they talked more though, she began to open up about her home life. Despite trying to play it down, he saw the true nature of the abusive relationship she was in. Day after day she would tell him about something else that Patrick had done, and how she would stoically battle on with her existence. John was constantly amazed at how this intelligent, warm and funny woman could cope with her home life, and found himself offering her as much support as he was capable of. He would talk about the mundane, crack jokes, or just sit and listen, to help provide some kind of solace in his friend's life.

Marie finished getting ready to go out. John encouraged her to spend time with her friends, and as he was not that social, she often took the opportunity to get out of the house. For John, it meant he could log on, maybe have a drink or two, chat, and be merry.

Logging on, he saw her straight away. The night passed quickly. He didn't drink much, but it was obvious that Tamsin was enjoying her night of freedom. As she drunk more, her inhibitions dropped, and conversations became more and more suggestive. John had laughed, knowing it was the alcohol speaking, and simply enjoyed watching his closest and dearest friend, the one person who knew him best, have fun.

The following weekend, Tamsin told John that she and Patrick were going away to see family. She said how much she was dreading it, how Patrick’s behaviour was always atrocious, and that she simply didn't want to go. John did all he could to reassure her, but felt his heart drop as she signed off. They had known each other for over two years, talking every day, and he was going to miss her.

That night, things came to a head between John and Marie. She, once again made advances, and he turned her down. Questions turned into yelling and yelling turned into tears as John finally told her it was over. His head spun and he felt ill, but he knew it was for the best. He went to bed, in the spare room that night, and the only thing he wanted was to be able to talk to Tamsin. He knew however that even with her mobile phone, she wouldn't get his message. Still, before falling asleep, he tapped out two words.

“I'm single”.

He knew she would get it on the trip home.

A few months had passed since John had become single. Each time he talked to Tamsin though, his nerves grew. Deep down he knew why, but because she was with someone, and also in another country, he fought the feelings down. She had even told him that she was attracted to him, but John continued to deny what he knew was true.

Tamsin was going away with Patrick, and John knew they would be alone in a luxury hotel. He couldn’t help feeling anxious about what would possibly happen, even though Tamsin had told him time about her issues with Patrick, how sex had become purely functional, and an activity she no longer enjoyed. He knew that she deserved so much more, and had finally come to the realisation that he wanted to be the one to give that to her.

Then one day, at work, he heard his phone ring. Unable to answer it, he simply saw the name of the caller.

Tamsin.

Waiting until he got the chance, he checked the voice mail, seeing that she had left him a message. His heart leapt into his throat as he listened.

“Um, hi. I’m glad this has gone to message bank as I think I would chicken out if I was talking to you directly. Things have happened here which mean I can’t simply ignore it any longer. I love you.”

John felt his hand shaking, and couldn’t repress the smile creeping across his face. Knowing that she probably won’t be able to answer, he sent a quick text.

“I love you too, I’m moving to you.”

The next few weeks were a blur. John quit his job and sold all of his possessions, bar those he could fit into a suitcase. The whole time, he continued to talk to Tamsin every day and she would tell him about the things Patrick was doing. His heart bled as she told him about how she was trying to leave him, but he kept pulling her closer. John hoped beyond hope that, by being in the same country, he would be able to help her escape.

They talked about how they could meet, and Tamsin expressed her concern that Patrick would want to know her every move. Then, fate intervened. Tamsin told him that she was being put on a training course in the very city he was flying into, and on the week he was arriving. John knew that he would have a few days before he would be staying with friends, so after further discussion, they booked into the same hotel.

John’s heart raced as he left his room in the hotel. Tamsin had texted saying she was waiting downstairs. He could feel the sweat on his palms, and nervously pulled at the colour of his shirt. The feelings of anxiety made him feel nauseous. A million thoughts raced through his head. What if she didn’t feel that spark in person? What if she didn’t find him attractive, even though she’d seen pictures of him?

He spotted her as he walked out the main entrance, standing there in a red blouse and jeans. He felt the spark race through him, and hoped that she felt it too.

John was pretty sure that Tamsin wasn’t interested. They had returned to the room, eaten, and were now watching DVD’s, but that was it. She had, what seemed like inadvertently, touched his leg once, but he couldn’t pick up on any other signals. His heart sunk, and he battled with the knowledge that this had always been a possibility. As she left his room, part of him wanted to call out, or follow her and just kiss her.

The next night, after her training, they watched movies in the room again, generally talking. At one stage, Tamsin was sitting on the floor in front of him, and leaned her head against his leg. John froze, unsure of what to do. His own uncertainty led to his undoing, as, despite wanting to reach down and stroke her hair, he did nothing. She quickly moved her head back after that.

After she had returned her room, she sent a text saying that she wanted to stay, but had left. His heart leapt and he replied, telling her to return, and left the door unlocked.

Sleeping next to her would have been fantastic, except the attraction and adrenaline that coursed through him was preventing him from sleeping. She must have realised that he was still awake, and took his hand. Then, she did something completely unexpected. She moved his hand up to her soft, full breast. John fondled her pale skin, and then kissed her more passionately than he had ever kissed a woman before.

They made love for hours that night and the connection between them was something he never wanted to end. As the sun rose, John knew he had finally found his soul mate.

John found a place of his own. Tamsin continued to attempt to end things with Patrick, and talked to John about the events unfolding. Patrick was doing everything he could to get her back. He made promises that John knew he would never keep, not in the long term. But doubt lurked in him, as he knew how hard this was on Tamsin, and was scared that maybe, just maybe, she would decide to stay, especially for the sake of her son. Despite that, things seemed to be going strong, and Tamsin would take the time to reassure him.

Then things changed. John knew Tamsin wasn’t well, but she was starting to talk less to him, and when they did speak, the conversations were short and functional. It used to be that she would come to him when she needed help, or support, but now little was said beyond the trivial conversations of day to day activities. He felt as if she was drifting away. He also knew that she was spending more time with Patrick, as his behaviour had improved, and John’s insecurities began to eat away at him. He tried to hold onto her, and despite knowing that she was finding it hard, couldn’t seem to stop.

John’s world began to crumble. His anxiety lead to depression, and as Tamsin pulled further away, he tried desperately to hold on. She would often get frustrated with him now, telling him that he was being too clingy. But he was terrified he was going to lose the one person he wanted to spend his life with. The one person who made him feel complete.

To try and improve the situation, John began counselling. He talked about what was going on, and in the short term, it helped him deal with the situation. But still Tamsin pushed him away, to the point where talking to her was like talking to a shadow of the person he loved. They argued more than talked. He lost track of the number of nights that he cried himself to sleep.

Then she said the one thing to him that he had dreaded to hear.

“I love you John, just not in that way anymore.”