Some Thoughts

Here I sit. A lifetime as it seems has passed, and yet nothing has been produced. I can tell you that you could never be aware of everything which may take away your ability to write. You may never be aware of every negative event while it happens; but let me assure you once it takes hold, you will know it has happened. I first wrote to this place over 7 years ago. When I wrote that piece, somehow, I was not worried about how it would be taken. Somehow, I was not worried about the grammar, the word usage, nothing. I simply said what was in my soul.

Well, since then, I have been through the Navy. I have been through all of the demons aforementioned. And I can tell you they are every bit as bad as we may believe. They are every bit as bad as I believe. However, there is a catch.

I did not realize my pre-Navy writings would last. I sort of figured that once I was old, they would be as childish things were – forgotten by all save for the few who were in person to witness them. That is not true. I promise you, if you speak your soul, be it a voice of pain, forgiveness, trial, or anger, it will remain. Those you care about currently will know. They will understand. You will receive what you asked for in those writings.

I used to write about many things. A love I felt I would never obtain. Acceptance I felt I would never deserve, respect I would never earn. I used to write about imaginary people falling in love by a lakeside because I lived by a lakeside and I had no one to fall in love with. I had all of these feelings and not a person to turn them towards. It hurt. I reflected the pain AND the love on anyone I could find that wasn’t a part of my actual family. So I stayed online. I realize now expressing yourself on the internet is not a wasted cause. It is not a lost cause.

I have no, nor have I ever had a BLOG. I probably will never have one. But let me tell you, they are not all useless. Some of them are important – some of them represent what you wish you could know about that one certain friend who never opens up, some of them represent that one mother, father, brother, sister, that one special person you wish you knew more about. Some of them have the strength only to express themselves once. I expressed myself online before anyone knew me. Now, I only express myself in person. That is a transition. That takes time. But when I wrote to this website all that time ago, I seemed distant to those who loved me and were there. Sometimes it’s one or the other. Don’t give up on them. Even if you’re older, this applies to you.

We tell kids these days that they should not take to heart all of the events from Highschool (even though adults did, everyone did, don’t lie.) But when you were young, you ignored your parents, some of you even rebelled (however this is not all kids, so stop that notion as well.)  Your parents made expertly evidenced cases about why you should not do what you wanted to do, and you ignored logic to the end. You got hurt, all of you did. We get hurt too. You can not stop it. However, we do not get hurt in the back of a Trans-am to the sound of Kiss. We get hurt over a cellphone text. You think your experience is worth more than ours, but it isn’t. And the fact that you think you’re more attuned to teenage life is exactly why teenagers don’t like you.

Like it or not, you were a teenager for EXACTLY the same length as your kids were/will be. You simply had less technology. God help us if you had access to more. Allow me to divert and explain why this is important.

The majority of my previous stories were based on a singular theme: True Love.

I honestly believed this to be a real thing, even though I had no faith in a single romantic movie. All of those writings, all of those thoughts, all of those feelings were based on a central feeling in me: loneliness. I was so lonely that I thought not about women, or sex, but about a companion.

I can proudly announce that I am with a companion now. She and I have been together for a year. We are very happy. We are VERY happy. So from where does this need to write to this site arise?  The love I spoke of in my previous writings has been fulfilled.  The girl I want to show that shimmering pond to has been found. So why do I feel the need to continue to write into a text line that her absence is central to?

I sit and think (postulate for those unfamiliar with the word) and come up with only one idea. I must still be imagining 100 Shades of Life. See, When I wrote “She Knew,” I was talking about a girl, as well as where I lived at the time. However, when I wrote “100 Shades of Life,” I was writing about where I imagined myself to live – or at least – where I imagined a love like that to live. Perhaps I feel I have not found where the 100 shades fall, though I have found who knew what I was talking about. It is perhaps too soon to say (though neither of us feel it is too soon to say.) Who could know?

I post this now – as much as a work in progress as anyone could ever have posted. I welcome all responses however understand that those directed at the grammatical approach to this writing have missed the point.


Should the end fall, I want all to know I still love more than any other emotion. I still know only that emotion. I love my girlfriend, my family, my friends. I even love myself. However it may be hard to understand what that love means to you when you're alone, 3am sitting at your computer.  Trust me. Love is hard to spot before it's too late.

This piece is not done.