Loveless

A husk. That's what it is like. I feel like I am a husk. There was something there but not anymore. What was it? I don't know but I didn't notice until it was gone. I feel empty. I am empty.

I am loveless. I am unlovable. I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise though I want them to. Especially during the day when I try so hard to be...lovable. I bend over backwards, I do favors, I work hard for everyone. I am always there to help, to listen. I have tons of credit buy can'tcheck out. So, its not just me talking or thinking. The evidence is there. It's not just in my head. It is there when I ask to talk but they don't listen. When I ask favors they won't do. When I just want to be held, touched but there is no one to turn to.

There is nothing in me. Nothing that anybody wants. A husk.

I am used. I am overlooked. I am discarded.

What do they have that I don't, those that have been loved? I...I want it. The years stretch ahead, endless and desolate. No one to help guide along the pitfalls and road blocks. I go alone. I work twice as hard. Why? Why do I keep going when there is no point. Behind me the years are the same, desolate. I am only further along, closer to an unknown end. And I keep going.

Maybe...if someone, somewhere sees the work I have put in they will find that...lovable.

I can't even cry.