To Plan Ahead

I always wondered what would happen if I ever did anything wrong just to know what the feeling was like. Would it be so much worse than accidental wrong doings? Are you more prepared for the guilt if you know that you will be doing wrong ahead of time? Does that preparation allow you to take pleasure in your actions rather than feel any remorse at all? Maybe this is the cure for what keeps people from hurting, killing, and stealing from each other. Maybe this is what people like Bundy, Gacy, and my brother figured out long before the psychiatrists would ever even begin theorizing options for what makes killers kill. My brother seemed to have every little detail running through his head like a movie. Every window, door, scream, and weapon were carefully categorized and filed in manila folders within his brain. He knew just how to get satisfaction and discretion no matter how short notice was between the notion and the kill. If an unforeseen issue arrived, it still seemed as if he had planned for it all along, for he never once panicked. Over the years, I’ve bounced back and forth on the two theories that make the most sense to me; the planning ahead versus the lack of any clue in wrong doing to begin with; yet one wrench always gets thrown in my opinion. Planning ahead never worked for me.