I Still Care

Do you remember that night? We were at summer camp and we decided to take walk around the cabins. That's where you told me about your past. How your parents lied to you about being adopted and how you felt like you couldn't even trust them anymore. I thought it was only fair to tell you about my hard life. My grandmother dying, my mom's miscarriage, her fear of losing the baby that she was pregnant with now. I even told about my thoughts of suicide and how I would never be able to do it because I couldn't do that to my mom. I couldn't leave her all alone again. You held me tight and told me I was so strong for getting through everything semi OK. I was about to cry, but I wasn't going to show you the rest of my weak side. When we went back home, we were almost inseparable. I swear we spent almost the whole summer together. But then, that fateful day came. I had just got out of the shower and heard my phone vibrate. It was a text from you. It said:

I don't think this is going to work out. We're over.

I stood there wide eyed with my mouth open. I was so angry! I slammed my phone on the floor and went to bed with a angry look on my face. I didn't cry at first, but then school came along. I had so many friends at first. There was Aileen, Lauren, Khadija, Courtney, Kaitlyn, Maggie, Arden, Arizbeth, Rachel, Joyce, Madison, Arlee, etc. But one by one, they left. Khadija, Courtney, Rachel, and Maggie just stopped talking to me. Lauren told me to my face that I was a awful person and deserved to die in Hell. Joyce and Madison moved away. Now, only Aileen, Kaitlyn, Arizbeth, and Arden are left. Arlee still sort of talks to me, but she ignores me once her other friends come by.

I started falling behind in school. My algebra teacher always tried to make me speak and when I did, she would ridicule me. I felt worthless and invisible. I had F's, D's, and C's in all my classes. My home life started to fall too. My mom had her baby, but the delivery caused her to lose so much blood that she is very weak now and won't fully recover for a long time. My dad is so bad tempered now. I feel like everything I do will make him mad. I still love him, but I pray every night to have my old dad back. My little sister hates my guts. I don't know what I did wrong, but every time I talk to her she tells me to shut up or go away. She calls me things like stupid retard and dumb slut. I still love her and I pray every night that she will love me back someday. I think I have depression because this kind of behavior from me has been going on for about a year now. If I don't have that, then I have low self esteem.

I try to escape my life by thinking about the good things I have. Like my friends that stayed with me even though I think I'm nothing. My mother who still loves me even though she's so sick and weak. My horse back riding instructor who I think deals with the same issues I have and then I think about you. When I think about you, I smile for a moment then cry. After three months, I've realized how much I've missed you. I've realized how much I love you. I want you back so bad, but I don't think I can reach you anymore. I've fallen too deep to grab your hand. The rope you used to throw down for me has been cut and I keep falling into the black. I keep asking all these questions to myself. Why did you leave me? Did I do something wrong? Could I change myself to fit what you want?

I feel so sad and upset with the fact that we broke apart because of something I did. What did I do? Please tell me so I can fix it! I want to fix it, but I know you probably won't accept me. I don't think I'll be able to move on. But, I still haven't told anyone about your life. I've kept my promise and I hope you've kept yours. I won't be whole again, but I can still act like I'm whole. I'm still taking the beating and you were the one that threw the first punch. I don't care though. I still love you and that will never change. So please keep me in your mind, just like I've kept you in mine.

I love you......


Sincerely,

Shannon