How Man Came to Be

                                                                              How Man Came to Be
                                                                                  © 2010 O. Wade


  (I wanted the following fact to be a footnote, but that would leave confusion at the end, so I guess it is a…head note? )
Evolutionists state that alligators came onto land and evoluted into other creatures because they got tired of being chased by giant dragonflies.

  So, one day, a few million years ago, a call went out, an RSVP, so to speak, to all the monkeys in the land—please gather at the Place of Evolution to begin to evolute.
  All the monkeys jumped up and down and clapped their hands with glee and sang, “We’re gonna make a Homo! We’re gonna make a Homo!” 
  The monkey ACLU (Atheist Chimpanzee League of Unadaptables) quickly advised them that they could not use that word as a singularity but must include the word Sapiens. In their zeal to force conformity the monkeys were ignorant of the fact that "homo" simply means "man".
  The monkeys, properly chastised, sang, “We’re gonna make a Sapiens Homo! We’re gonna make a Sapiens Homo!” At that point, the monkey ACLU (Atheist Chimpanzee League of Usufructarists) foamed at their mouths and wailed with indignation, “You can’t say that!”
Whereupon, the monkeys, being of the bestial ilk, very conservative, and tired of listening to that crap, killed the entire gaggle of leftist monkeys, with the exception of one. He escaped and became the father of what they are today. The monkey gene still evident.
  Now most of the monkeys had never heard of the Place of Evolution, so signs had to be hand painted to guide the uninformed to the Glorious Land of Evolution. This threw a wrench in their plans, for paint had not evoluted. They wanted something in chartreuse or wild violet, so they imagined the way paint might congeal from swamp gas and seeping petroleum, and Viola!,  a millennia later up popped a cornucopia of paint in myriad colors.
  (I invented the word evoluted. It is my version of the past tense of evolute, which is also not a real word, but they both should be. Hey, if Evolutionists can make up stuff, I can make up words.)
  Evolutionists explain that paper came into being when a mismatched marriage between a crocodile and a bristlecone pine ended in divorce. By the way, the bristlecone pine is one basis for carbon dating (this is true) which has proved to be as factual as a crocodile’s marriage to a tree.
  The crocodile’s marriage soon evoluted into discord. It seems the crocodile was allergic to B.S. (basic soot.) The crocodile shed voluminous tears of remorse which disturbed the order of weather patterns, causing paper to fall from the sky, which was fortunate for the divorce proceedings. No paper, no filing for divorce. Lawyers were the first on the scene, having developed rapidly from single cells.
Evolutionists opine that the descending paper, caught up in a strong breeze, ascended to heavenly realms and eventually morphed into wings for insects and birds.
  Now that the monkeys had paint and paper, they hand lettered the signs. The next step was to nail them to —uh-oh—another roadblock. The monkeys had to wait a few thousand more years while the nail evoluted from a small worm, but that was okay because all they needed was a gross of tacks. The little tacks were neat. In order for them to withstand being pounded into wood, Charles Darwin came in spirit form and brought fire (he had a handy source) to anneal (harden) the tacks.
  After much in-depth examination of raw hamburger meat, gazing at the stars, eating dirt and prophesying, the monkeys agreed that their ancient calling required them to, at the least, squeeze out just one human.
  A herd of monkeys—one million three thousand twenty-two to the second power—followed the signs arrows to the Place of Evolution. Incidentally, they could have purchased the paper from Wal-Mart—they had a sale on.
  On that grand day the monkeys were divided into two groups—probably drew straws, or smelled fingers or picked high/low cards, or maybe they just clubbed one another senseless until there was a meek group and a strong group; the survival of the fittest.
  Anyway, the winning group accepted the task of becoming human, though not one of them knew what a human was, but being evolutionist, they decided that if they all became fabulists their prevarications would come true. So they squatted, balled their fists, strained, struggled, gritted their teeth, had painful bowel movements, and wrote reams of fables (which Evolutionists continue to do to this day)—then they ran out of ink. The next time you see a monkey, keenly observe his fingernails. You will discover that they are black. This is ink stain from sign making. Another mutation passed down through the generations. Believe it or not!
  Incidentally, their first novel, A Study of Communal Butt Sniffing went right into the toilet, but a second novel left them flush with bananas.
  The weaker group, though the loser in this great evolute, felt no loss. They had kept better records over the millennia, so they knew right away what the stronger monkeys were up to. Though they failed to dominate, they were more intelligent, and after watching the strong group of monkeys perform their monkeyshines, they decided to migrate (that’s why there are monkeys in China. You see, the Chinese carried them to Africa and…what? You don’t believe me? Shame! Look in the annals of Evolution and you will read the truth. Chapter seventy-eleven, page sixty-three, subset a 41).
  So the weak monkeys drifted off, laughing and playfully shoving one another and smoking rabbit tobacco and playing a variation of rock-paper-scissors called pull-my-finger-step-on-my-tail. 
  After about twelve thousand years the strong monkeys were getting tired, their muscles were sore from straining and a few had contracted horrid cases of hemorrhoids. (Now you know how hemorrhoids evoluted.)
  Because they had to hold their noses against the ghastly fumes rising from beneath them, the monkeys were having trouble breathing. They pointed their faces toward the sky to keep from taking noxious spirits into their mouths. (This was the first instance of gas mask evolution, though they could not use them. They had the gas, but no masks. Geologists have dug up petrified gas, so that proves it. I wouldn’t lie.)
  They were so intensely occupied with evoluting, they were unaware that their supposedly weaker compatriots had departed long ago. They studied among themselves and determined that they had drastically failed in their endeavor and that the weaker group had succeeded, gotten bored and went off to shave their legs and armpits and invent the alphabet.
The failed-to-evolute group selected a brave monkey and asked him to climb a high tree to see if he could see the new humans. Having reached the apex of a tall tree, he looked down at the group below and cried out, “EEEEE, EEEEE, OOOOOO, EEE?” which meant ‘What the heck am I looking for? Getting no reply, he descended to the ground and fell to picking lice and poking at his sore hemorrhoids.
  In the meantime, the weaker sect had migrated to greener pastures and learned to make fire, and decided to make iron. One of the brighter monkeys suggested they take the iron and create an Edsel, but a prophet in the group asserted that this particular endeavor was for future consideration—besides, it was to be a failure anyway.
  The strong monkeys decided to inspect one another closely to determine if there had occurred any major changes in their physiques. This intimate poking and prodding caused the monkeys to begin doing what monkeys are inclined to do and, before you know it, a lady monkey gave birth. Unfortunately, all that straining and howling over the thousands of years had weakened their bodies and the new infant was oddly shaped, had no hair on its head and its nose was oddly proportioned.
  They gathered en masse to see the newborn, but because there were millions of monkeys, it was impossible to see over one another’s shoulders. Nature abhors a discomfited mob, so this is when stadiums evoluted from the ubiquitous flatworm, a wise choice. When everyone could see, they consulted the group prophet.

  The prophet advised them to dance around fires, make up vulgar limericks, and play croquet with balls of dried dino dung. (I’m not kidding; archeologists have excavated petrified croquet balls. They even have dim outlines of identifying colors.) They monkeys had to quit playing when a jokester in the group began to slip in raw croquet balls. .
  Having depleted their bag of suppositions as to the nature of the newborn, they decided, with some anxiety, that their efforts had paid off and they had actually created a human.
  Smug with satisfaction, they sat around the dying embers and toasted one another with fermented stegosaurus toenails.
  Later that evening they named the human, Charles EEE  OOO  EEE  Darwin. Intoxicated, they tucked themselves beneath warm and comfy, newly evoluted down comforters. Tomorrow they would make that blasted dragonfly stop chasing the alligator.