Lesson Two writing Exercise

First Person (Present Tense) The original wk. one submission.

Another Saturday morning. Up early the wife and I untangle ourselves, climb out of bed and head for the shower. Dressed, bed made, room swept and with a banana in hand we exit onto a small covered balcony. We give the banana to a large gray squirrel that has been waiting patiently on a tree branch that passes close by. (Squirrels love bananas; who knew.) We clamber down metal stairs into the cool light dappled garden with its many brightly colored orchids and stop to unlock, open and secure behind us a metal gate. The movement and noise disturb a cloud of contentious emerald and ruby colored hummingbirds vying for spots at a homemade feeder. Passing down the buildings side we cross a small front lawn with its aromatic rose beds baking in the morning sunlight. We pause to open a sheet steel door that exits onto the street. Stepping out we greet the raucous dusty world. Closing the door behind us with a loud clang we lock it and are off. Our destination is the weekly farmers market, five blocks away. We are after a weeks supply of fresh produce. Yep. Just another Saturday morning in the barrio and another farmers market.

Comments:
First Person (Present Tense) seemed to work well in this piece. Maybe because it was always intended to be very short. More likely being VERY new to writing First Person seems to come naturally. (As I look back on the first weeks submissions I realize that all six pieces are, in fact, First Person) In retrospect, this may not have been the best POV. I might well have ended up telling rather than describing. Actually I was already falling into that trap. If I had chosen Third Person Omniscient, I would have had much greater latitude in the long run and been more likely to describe an event or situation. I would have been able to show scenes in the farmers market from various points of view and added much greater depth and color. I could well have started the piece with “The gray squirrel had been dozing on the tree branch for more than thirty minutes listening to sounds of movement inside the small second floor apartment.



Third Person Omniscient (Past Tense)

Saturday morning had come around again. Up early, the woman and her husband untangled themselves, climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. After dressing, making the bed and sweeping the floor, they exited their tiny apartment onto a small covered balcony with a banana in hand. They gave the banana to a large gray squirrel waiting patiently on a tree branch that passed close by. (Squirrels loved bananas; who knew.) The man was inwardly pleased to note his wife smiling as the she handed bits of banana to the small animal. Clambering down metal stairs into the cool, light dappled garden with its many brightly colored orchids they stopped to unlock, open and secure behind them a metal gate. The movement and noise had disturbed a cloud of contentious emerald and ruby colored hummingbirds vying for spots at a homemade feeder. The woman loved hummingbirds and mentally thanked her husband yet again for having constructed the feeder.
After passing down the buildings side, they crossed a small front lawn with its aromatic rose beds baking in the morning sunlight. Because his wife loved roses, the man had worked hard to set in the rose bed, and it never failed to please him when his wife stopped to inspect her favorite hybrid. They paused again to open a sheet steel door that exited onto the street. Stepping out they greeted the raucous dusty world. Closing the door behind them with a loud clang they locked it and were off. Their destination; the weekly farmers market five blocks away, and a weeks supply of fresh produce. Secretly the man felt like a pack mule with sandals and a wallet on these excursions and hid a sigh. Yep. It was just another Saturday morning in the barrio and just another farmers market.

Comments: I found this awkward at first. I was tempted to choose another piece to work with. I still don’t feel totally at home with this. I thought about re-doing the whole think from scratch. I still like first person for this short piece, but I can see that this POV will give greater latitude as the piece develops.


Third Person Limited (Past Tense)

Saturday morning had come around again. Up early, he untangled himself from his wife and together they climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. Saturday mornings here always given him a hard time. Now, looking at his wife, his heart sang a little tune and he hummed along under his breath. After dressing, making the bed and sweeping the floor, they exited their tiny apartment onto a small covered balcony with a banana in hand. They gave the banana to a large gray squirrel waiting patiently on a tree branch that passed close by. (Squirrels loved bananas; he would never have guessed it.) He noted his wife smiling as the she handed bits of banana to the small animal, and was pleased. Clambering down metal stairs into the cool, light dappled garden with its many brightly colored orchids they stopped to unlock, open and secure behind them a metal gate. The movement and noise disturbed a cloud of contentious emerald and ruby colored hummingbirds vying for spots at his homemade feeder. His wife loved hummingbirds, and when she laughed at their antics he smiled contentedly.

After passing down the buildings side, they crossed a small front lawn with its aromatic rose beds baking in the morning sunlight. Because his wife loved roses, he had worked hard to set in the rose bed, and it never failed to please him when his wife stopped to inspect her favorite hybrid. They paused again to open a sheet steel door that exited onto the street. Stepping out they greeted the raucous dusty world. Closing the door behind them with a loud clang they had locked it and were off. Their destination; the weekly farmers market five blocks away, and a weeks supply of fresh produce. Secretly he always felt like a pack mule with sandals and a wallet on these excursions and had hidden a sigh. Yep. It was just another Saturday morning in the barrio and just another farmers market.

Comments: I see third person can have advantages. In this case, it is like looking into the past. Using the “Movie Camera” analogy, it is a flashback scene filmed through one persons eyes.

Final note: Although I still like first person for short pieces, I can see a few drawbacks. Some form of the third person POV is defiantly the best choice for anything larger. Even this small piece seemed to grow in the switch to third person.

Willielinn