Death Packages

Companies all over the world offer different packages to entice consumers to sign up with their company.  But has anyone ever heard of a death package?  No, because there isn't one.

Death is not a door to door salesman or an online prescence that you can chat with.  He's more like repo men who you never see until you miss a payment.  They just appear out of nowhere with a van.  Death doesn't own a vehicle, but then again maybe he does.  But since dead men tell no tales, we'll never know.

Death doesn't give you options, extensions, or incentives to die.  You appear on his list, then you're dead.  He doesn't care about the particulars and let's face it, he's not gunning for a promotion or a record before he's retired. 

Sure there are times when he probably wishes that some people would go sooner because they annoy the heck out of him or maybe they're daredevils that keep pushing their luck.  Couldn't you just picture him penciling people in?  "No one likes her anyway.  I could probably fit her in on Tuesday before the Henderson case."

Just imagine if you paid for Death insurance.  Death would show up in a multi-colored robe because the black one would only be used if it's way too late to negogiate.

"Good afternoon.  I'm Death."

"Oh, I've heard so much about you.  You were responsible for the 20 car pile-up on Highway 32."

"Well, it's harder than it looks.  Anyway, I'm here to talk about the Death Packages we offer."

"Death Packages?"

"Sure.  It takes some of the pressure off of me and the small monetary amount I take is for repairs to my robes and sickles.  You don't know how hard it is to think of ways to do some of the stuff on my workorders.  Fires, for example, excuse my french, are a b..."  You arrange for 3 people to die and you have some idiots who clog the stairs up or some old lady who refuses to leave her cats...it's a headache.  If people pick the way they want to die, I just show up and Boom! it's over!  None of this three day, three year preparation time.  I'm rambling on aren't it?  I'm here to offer you package on how you want to die.  I'll read them off, you pick one."

"What will it cost?"

"The No-Frills Death is $5.00 a month.  The Extended Death is $10.00 a month and finally, the News-Worthy or Mystery Creation Death is $40.00 a month."

"Why is there such a jump for the last one?"

"It's the most memorable one.  I'll explain each of the categories so you can make an informed choice."

No-Frills Death.  A No-Frills is the most boring way to die.  Small heart attack, aneurysm, instant death, dead at birth, and the classic, don't wake up in the morning."

Extended Death.  An Extended Death is halfway to boring but interesting enough for people to mention.  Choking, smoke inhalation, suicides where you don't die right away, heart attacks, some murders, cancer and other lengthy illnesses, being dragged behind something and basically anything where you're dying but it takes awhile.

Newsworthy or Mystery Creation Death is our package for the adventurous, those who want to go out with a bang.  It's the most because we can guarantee that not only will people remember who you were but the publicity gained from it will be ongoing.  We have one client that is bigger now than he ever was in life.  Two words:  white jumpsuits.  If it's over the top, we can do it.  If it's blood and gore, we promise vomiting and unconsciousness from onlookers.  If you want something different and new, we can customize our list to fit your needs.  So what will it be?"

"What does Mystery Creation Mean?"

"I almost forgot.  Your death will be a who dunnit.  To this day, we have a few clients that attract mystery seekers:  Jack the Ripper and Marilyn Monroe to name a few...I'm not really a name dropper.  We create intrigue so no one knows how or where you actually died.  This also comes in handy if you don't want to pay the funeral costs.  No body, no burial.  The funeral homes are always angry with me when I describe this death.  It cuts into their  business.  So what can I sign you up for?"

"Well, the first one is okay but I'm thinking of a way to die but don't know which category it'll be in."

"Tell me.  I'll let you know."

"Okay.  I'd like to die on a train but I don't want to drown.  I would like to choke a bit in the dining car but be saved by the Heimlich.  Then I would back up onto something that is being flambed only to be saved by an ice bucket filled with champagne.  I figure I might as well splurge on the good stuff since I'm on my way out.  Then I'd like to be left alone for 2 hours until I decide to go to the sitting area to the lounge where I'll get up and as I'm waiting there, I fall between the 2 cars only to be saved again until I slip and fall on the platform.  I end up falling off the train where I plunge 50 feet into a ravine, where by the time the rescue crews get to me, the animals will have picked my bones clean."

" How long have you been thinking about this?"

"I haven't.  It just came to me."

"You have some cool ideas.  You know you'd be really good at this job."

"You're just saying that.  I'm only a homemaker with a Grade 10 education."

"You don't need education.  You need imagination.  Educated people are know it alls.  We had one.  She was out there measuring distance and calculating speed.  Do you really need to do that when you're pushing someone in front of a bus?  Mind you, dumb people are no better.  We had one guy that went to 3 different houses before he found the right guy.  Did I mention he killed everyone at the other houses?  Talk about paperwork.  He even killed the pets and the plants!  No where in training did it say to kill things other than people.  Explain the screwup to God and the Devil.  Not to mention the departments that handle other deaths:  Pets, Plantlife, Wildlife, Sense of Humor, and so on.

You can't be afraid of dying or be crying everytime you kill someone.  It's your job.  All you get on these things is who they are and how they die.  Drowning---Fred Watterson.

You have to come up with how they actually die.  Do they drown in the tub, spa, lake, on a boating trip?  We get to pick.  The only pain is if you have to kill some people on a boat.

It used to be if people were going to die on a boat, you sunk it and whoever could swim made it.  That's what we did with the Titantic.  Now it's so complicated.

Why don't you fill out an job application with the package forms?  I think you have real potential."

"Well, I don't know."

"C'mon.  I forgot to mention the main perk to this job.  Have you ever been to one of those parties where you have people who brag about their job and then say, "How rude of me!  Here I am going on and on...what is it that you do? Two things will happen: 1)The room will go completely quiet and 2)You'll never have to answer that question ever again."