KRISHNA (CD)

KRISHNA
Introduction:
People who are new to the concept of CD (Cross Dressing) may find this story a little odd and may not think in terms of the person they are going to see in this fiction (Mostly based on real life events). This story is about two persons who had been identified in their wrong physical bodies but themselves able to adjust according to their needs instead of society’s needs. They showed wrong identities of opposite sex and therefore the outside world may not be able to comprehend the idea of what is CD and they may feel a little ridicule, a tinge of hate or sarcasm smile in their lips. There are lakhs and lakhs of people who are CD’s who have not come out in the open thinking about public ridicule and no sympathy for them just like ordinary woman or transsexuals. Just like the way transsexuals have hormonal imbalances and feel the urge to behave as opposite sex, these people have natural instinct or urge because of the chemical composition, which they have accumulated, inside their brain from childhood onwards. This is in a way help them to get public view point turned in favor of their behavior than on the general pattern as everybody is expected to behave by this society. Society is formed by set of rigid rules, which most of the individuals find it very inconvenient to follow and they actually want to break the rules. Due to fear of society, family, friends, relatives or spouse they were unable to do it or due to the traditional way in which themselves they were brought, they were finding themselves in a juxtaposition of what to do with their deviated behaviors.
Rarely, they find support within their family. Only people who know about them in secrecy and especially some women who are sympathetic were able to accept and fulfill their interests without ridiculing them. As every life form is different, every human being is different and individual’s behaviors.If it causes social disturbance only, the society has to stand up and try to correct their behavior. But Most of the time society is ridiculous of people’s behavior even though it .causes no harm to anybody and individual has to curtail desires because of public ridicule or a raised eye brow if they deviate from any individually setup rules .It is to not say that everybody should come out in open since definitely accepted norms only will bring social harmony but the person should at least be able to fulfill his deepest desires lurking in his sub conscious at his utmost privacy which nobody should disturb or if it is a consent between two individuals nobody should interfere. Here society mostly I mean parents and close relatives of couple or friends who never accepts deviated behaviors. Society has not become matured enough to understand individuals urge since their behaviors are due to accumulation of various impressions they collected not only in particular birth but in different births and due to different karmic connections not known to people of this birth who were related only in this birth.
The main characters are RADHA and Krishna collectively called as “RADHE KRISHNA” since even though they had two sets of bodies, their soul is one. Just like the way PRABHUPADA explained about Krishna consciousness, Krishna secretly had a desire to become RADHA that actually led to the birth of CHITANYA and led to the movement of BAKTHI MARGA which several apostles of vaishnavitesiddhanta, which had been made widespread by Krishna consciousness devotees all over the world. Therefore nothing to ridicule the patterns of people who behave according to their inner soul desires. Sometimes it is wrongly identified with the mind but generally never any shape which satisfies soul’s desires. This is definitely not a mental illness or some disgrace to the society since in “BHAVAGAD GITA” itself BakthiMarga or Soul’s divine providence to join with PARAMATMA is described as like a long lost of a love torn woman who throng to attain GOD’s feet even with stubborn opposition from society and ridicule he/she has to face just like Meera, Andal or Nammazhvar in order to establish “BAKTHI VENDANTA”.
As the way each person has his own behavior through their inherited DNA or Gene, the Soul is acquiring a body which is not according to the KARMA happened not only in previous birth but so many births in which he had strived or longed to achieve whatever he missed in their earlier life. Usually when we are taking birth , we are trying to take a better birth through evolution rather than degradation of the soul which happens due to selfish lust, anger, avarice tendencies which we have accumulated due to previous birth’s karma (Not only one birth but several millions of births.  
Therefore readers are advised to be unbiased before reaching the end. People who are going to read this are to keep this in mind throughout the story without jumping to conclusion before reaching the end or passing on some preconceived notion about the author’s intention to communicate their feelings in a better way without making any bitter comments or remain biased about society’s perceived notions about events happening which is not according to their satisfaction or order of the society. Whomever who are longing for something can only achieve what they want and people who desirous of something has to make that as their behavior or their dream in which they want to live themselves without others interference in their personal affairs.
This is just not a story but an experience every reader has to live with or experience within themselves No judgmental but an unbiased view which will make them to sympathize with this people rather than ridiculing them. Some of the things when did in private only will cause more harm to the individual as well as to the society since the psyche of the person getting affected is harmful to the society and society’s strict norms and divisions will only make things worse rather than improve these type of deviated social behaviors.
Right now I’m going into the story with a clear mind. I expect the readers also to have the same type of clear mind to understand the story better.
 
Chapter -1
RADHA and KRISHNA are not different identities according to Hindu Mythology and traditions. They were one soul living in two separate bodies. Always RADHA longed for KRISHNA’s love that is not any bodily attraction or some sex related inhibitions. They were soul mates separated by divine ordinance to prove the bakthivedantha tradition of unconditional divine love, which elevated to cosmic consciousness can immediately uplift any downgraded soul to divine level in matter of seconds if they really experience divine love within, nobody can stop a soul to reach the divine. This is unconditional love and nobody can really understand the signifance of this other than the two persons who tied up in love. This is unconditional always when elevated to higher level other than the body consciousness only people can feel this love within themselves.
Love between RADHA and KRISHNA in this story also not understood by the family members or society but the two persons really concerned understood their real need and the way they can coexist and adjust themselves rather than living according to the dictates of society’s norm. Like the way one experience breeze according to the way he feel himself, this story also revolves around different perceptions each one had about RADHA and KRISHNA though within their mind were inseparable bodies attached to a divine soul.
They were born at the same time near the same place but unfortunately born to different parent who never looked in the way the two divine souls looked. They were born in Mathura but never had honey in their life. They had only the fear of ridicule, abuse and some kind of hatred and exclamatory raised eyebrow views only.
This is actually not due to their fault but due to their perceived inner desire when they were conceived them in their womb by their mother. Their mothers had different notions when they conceived. Krishna’s parents Devaki and VASUDEV wanted to have a female children since they had only male progeny, they thought of a female to be born to look after them sympathetically. RADHA’s parents wanted to have a male child since all family members and relatives were army men and since before RADHA, every child born to them was female they thought of RADHA to be born as male to serve the army. RADHA and KRISHNA’s parents were neighbors in MATURA though Krishna’s parents moved from Brendavan to MATURA to have a decent living because of acute poverty they faced in their nearby village of Brindavan.

Thus both were born in the same place , in the same hospital near by bed to bed , Like the way CHITHNANYA , an avatar of Krishna born with Radha’s soul Krishna also born with a female psyche because of the chemical he inherited from his mother’s womb. Like that Radha also inherited a male psyche from her mother’s womb. Their ten month journey floating within the womb led to their brain patterns and their neural networks were framed according to the early formation of the brain. This is not a ridiculous affair but divine ordinance or karmic incident due to their accumulated karma in previous births.
Like the way their parents were friends due to the joint ownership of the shop they had selling Ghee, butter and milk product taking franchise of “AVIN”, they also played from childhood onwards side by side without any other friends to them. Just like the way Krishna leela deals about childhood sports of Krishna, the next chapters are going to tell about the child’s play of RADHA and KRISHNA.
 
Chapter 2
Krishna from childhood onwards was more involved in mild sports or creative activities like playing with conches and playing with toys like teddy bear, duck, and creative arts like drawing, making dolls from clay, playing sometimes inside the house in female dress due to his mother’s inherent desire to make him not aggressive .She always made Krishna to have long hair just like girls and often used to bridle and put knots by just taking plait straight and having two separate long tresses of hair bridle with fresh jasmine, lilly flowers adoring his hair. He sometimes used to have girls skirt and dresses so that he always made to live the life of girl.. He always felt shy and uneasy at the company of RADHA. Even though he longed for the company of RADHA, it is actually not only for friendship but also some bodily attraction seeing her bold behaviors.
RADHA’s parents were in the army and also their family members were in the army. Therefore, they wanted to raise RADHA as a TOMBOY rather than as a timid girl. This led to RADHA’s aggressive tendencies. She used to always wear half trouser or pant and shirt. She always had a machine gun or army tank or army equipment’s as toys and she always wanted to go herself to ARMY and longed for it from childhood onwards.
Krishna was so timid that sometimes even if RADHA beats him also , he will never get anger and always wept and came to his mother’s help while RADHA stood bold to face all types of aggressions even in the form of beating from her family as well as whomever who fight against her. She always had a boy’s hair= cut and always loved to play along with boys even in aggressive games like Football, KABADI or anything which requires some violent behaviors and touch of boys. Krishna always played with girls who are timid and never played with aggressive boys. This made him to be fearful of the boys and he even ran away if any bullying boy came to fight with him. He always longed for his mother’s company and felt the comfort of home as the best place to hide from all aggressions and ridicule he faced because of his more feminine behaviors.
He even though was ridiculed, abused and told many sarcastic names, he never bothered and he never went alone always going with RADHA for every place to be protected from bullying and bad boys.This made him so timid that he never went away alone outside the house and never went to any place without his parents.  
Even his sisters were bold enough to go outside but he never ventured outside and also feared when there is heavy sound.Insects, which fly made him more fearful and he hated dogs, cats and even frogs .He never will not disturb caterpillars or some insects which are sticky, or which looked ugly like snails, worms and tortoises. He remained very passive and always living within his own world without his intention to be accepted by the outside world by mingling with boys of his own age group.He felt several sensations inside his body when he was touched by RADHA and felt very shy from childhood onwards. He felt very strange sensations when were he was also climbing some electric posts or pillars when his genitals had contact with those objects which are smooth and silky. He always felt very shy and always had dreamt of his being a girl remaining inside the house rather than going to the outside world fighting for whatever he wants. He was very creative, secretive and always wanted to have RADHA’s company or to live alone.
Every time in the school when any playing period is there, he never played along with boys although RADHA played games. He used to watch them or going around gossiping some stories with female friends. He always longed to have female friends and RADHA always wanted to have male friends.
Thus, brain patterns and chemicals of Krishna were turned into female hormone secreting glands while RADHA’s brain pattern and chemicals started to secrete male hormone glands. He always used to watch only love songs and in those songs, he imbibed the feelings of females and RADHA on seeing fight sequences in movies inherited male aggression. Thus, slowly their brain patterns imbibed different feelings, emotions and though outside they looked like normal male and female bodies. Thus the outside world, family and relatives without knowing what is actually happening inside them and over the years into their sub consciousness with themselves being aware/ Their unconscious mind functions with the fear, ridicule, shyness engulfing the creativity of Krishna’s inner subconscious. The brain security guard called as determining intellect giving way to all types of opposite forms of sex patterns. Radha brain engulfed in aggression, braveness, tom boyishness never looked within themselves what was really happening inside them. This type of behavior was never visible to outsiders till they finished college or when they joined work. Therefore, nobody really knows who radha and krisna were within their inside. This actually happened in their brain till their young age or up to 7 years. They read many stories and saw many movies which were according to their taste with the parents never intervening in their privacy.

Radha always asked Krishna to come and play. Whenever Radha asked Krishna, Krishna if he wants to play will tell to Radha
“Come Radha …we can play some snake and ladder, Ludo or chess or carom board game”
“Hey Krishna…why don’t you play some games outside so that some of our friends will also join”
“Radha…I don’t want to play with sensuous and sex starved boys who touch me and make me feel shy..i want to have no feelings when boys touches me…”
“What Krishna...!!! These are all some emotions or feelings you imagined youself..Really these are all some illusions…Kindly come out of your shell and play some bold games…”
Krishna when forced like this will often go into his shell and will reply “No…Radha don’t compel me…If you are not coming to play..i will read books”
“Krishna…why are you like this …Kindly change your behaviors…”
“No …Radha…I don’t like to play….I don’t want any other company other than you”
“This is ridiculous Krishna…I can’t come with you always…I may leave to some otherplace …At that time what will you do?
“
Krishna “I will think about only you…nothing but you and always you.”
Radha “Don’t be silly Krishna…Be practical….This is not possible.”
Krishna “For me it is possible …but I don’t know about you…May be you may forget”
Radha “Yeah…I also feel in that way…May be if I grow in some other place or meet some new friends perhaps I may…”
Krishna “Woo…You are not truly loving me …You just always want to leave me or want to have some other company..”
Radha “Just for fun…I Told ..Wherever I’m I will definitely keep in touch with you”
Krishna “Kindly give something which can make me always remember you”
Radha “Why are you worried Krishna..i will be always be with you”

Krishna “How can I believe…You are a bright student and you are studying better than me…May be you may one day join army also…”
Radha “What about you Krishna…Are you not interested to go outside…?”
Krishna “No…Not at all…I want to remain here and mostly I will serve as a teacher or do some handicrafts work or some drawings”
Radha “You want to be world famous artist…”
Krishna “No…I want to be a person satisfying myself and earning money rather than known to outside world”
Radha “Oh..Krishna…with your creative pursuits…why can’t you be ambitious?”
Krishna “No…Radha…my intention is to remain humble rather than ambitious”/
“OK…let us go to our home…we have reached our home…” saying this Krishna left for his house and Radha was thinking deeply about krishna’s future even at her young age. Somehow Radha had a sympathy about Krishna and his survival in the outside world since he was hyper sensitive, always told truth, always remained humble and always straight forward when expressing his views. This in a way made Radha to admire Krishna but still she felt that outside world will be very harsh since Krishna developed this timidity from the child hood onwards.
Krishna was longing for Radha but Radha was fearful of Krishna’s timidity and his future blocked by his shyness.
When both were studying the same school, they were never felt the deepest attraction they had like the way their inner brain worked, their innate feelings were also not known to the outside world. 
Chapter 3
Krishna and Radha were studying in the same school till 7thStd After that Radha left for some better school to Delhi leaving Krishna in Matura itself. Radha slowly forgotten Krishna after leaving Matura and was concentrating more on her studies and her outside activities in Delhi going for different extra curricular activities like horse ride, rock climbing, learning karate and other martial arts while Krishna remained a village guy with his limited surroundings.
Slowly each one of her sisters also got married one by one. Krishna was the only person who was remaining with his parents and having fond of his parent rather than friends , Krishna started helping his mother in her daily chore activities like washing, cooking, cleaning the house and keeping the house very tidy. He always remained in the house. Even his father does not like his behavior fearing the ridicule of the society and also thinking about his future. He thought that someday he will land up in big trouble from the bullying and ridiculing society. He thought of changing his behavior by involving him in male pursuits like kick boxing, volley ball, basket ball , rifle shooting and other manly sports in which by making his interests, he may get rid of his female patterns. But to his dismay, whenever forced, he became more adamant and reticent not to do that. This made his father so angry that he scolded him saying that
“You unaltered filthy idiot…why are you behaving like this?”
“How girls will show interest or how will you have good male friends?”
This made krish to be more fearful and started to avoid his father himself saying to his mother
“Dad is always ridiculous of me…how can I get his love….i don’t know”
“He is not understanding my behavioral reasons and my real interests”
“He is not knowing my real feelings and passions… How can I get his love I don’t know.. I cannot behave in the way in which he wants”
“What he is feeling is a psychiatric problem of ODEPLAUS complex of mother’s love or mother’s attention not getting properly for a single child”
“This pattern of behavior is due to the earning of more of mother’s love in early childhood”
 
Thus, everything seemed to be weird for krishna’s father while it seems to OK for his mother. Krishna’s mother became the protector and always somehow encouraged his secret and weird activities. The stress created by boys when his deviant behavior in the school made him a toy or symbol of abuse by other boys. They used to call him as “RADHA” and whenever he retorted saying that we have not called you but our girl student by name ANURADHA or our friend RADHA KRISHNA. They used to scribble in walls ridiculing him by putting pictures of him in female dress or the teachers themselves give him a scandalous, luscious and ridiculous look whenever he was not able to study properly or when he was with other girls instead of boys. Kishna became an alien in the school but never felt very aggressive when people ridiculed them. He went into his mind shell and started creating his own world in which he imagined himself as a female only. Even without his mother knowing his behavour started to wear his sisters’ clothes since they have left their clothes in their house itself when they wanted to come to their house for relief from the burden of their mother-in-law or their husbands.
Even their sisters were not able to understand Krishna fully since even girls now a days looking very tom boyish dressing in males attire , why should Krishna behave in such a way whenever they looked secretly watching his behaviors. They hadgreat love towards god and goddesses and had reverence to hindu mythology believing in stories of DEVI BHAGAVATAHM or VISHNU PURANA but they were unable to accept the same reality which is happening in their own house. They liked Lord Krishna, Bhakthivendantha or the rasleela or the divine love of CHITANYA but they were unable to accept the behavior of Krishna. They never looked Krishna as a soul who had reached this birth carrying the impressions in his mind of so many births event impressions which got accumulated in his unconsciousness or super consciousness brain.
Thus Krishna was always in two minds of what to do or what not to do. That is his own passions and interests in one hand and society’s norms, parental control and relatives obsession with his kind of behavior whenever they noticed him dressed in female attire. Even though, he never looked ugly in female attire looking many of the girls now a days seen, he has become an object of ridicule among his fellow friends, classmates and close relatives who knew of his behavior. Even people who were coming to his house secretly watched him dressed in female attire like people who bring gas cylinders, courier person and post man, his house maids and people started ridiculing him , teasing him in private or else when he was alone in the house and when they were outside talking to some person , they just without mentioning his name gossiped about him, teased him by calling him names or saying him as eunuch or MOHINI AVATAR..et., Eventhough he very well knew that he had been called and ridiculed, deep down in his innter mind he like all female activities, female body not for enjoying purpose but to be smooth, clean and having silky hair , modest in approach, never comprehend anybody but to adjust with all even at the cost of physical abuse. His mother. And his distant aunt were the only soul who tried to understand somewhat his feelings and try to support in his activities.
Unlike other boys he used to long , curly hair and started seeing in mirror by seeing himself as the member of opposite skin. His smooth skin and soft navel supported in his mind that he should have been a female and he also never went outside always reading books, engaged himself in drawing or some creative activities or some activities which he found himself very much passionate and enjoyed even with the ridicule of others.
Once he went to school wearing inside ladies inner garments and felt very much at peace. Whenever he was alone, he used to dress himself in ladies attire only but he wanted to hide whatever he purchased from the eyes of his father who was dead against his gynecologic or femme behavior. He kept secretly the things which he most desired in a separate bag and kept it inside an unused room. Whenever he was alone or whenever he found leisure time, he used to secretly dress him up like a female and started to enjoy the feelings. Even from childhood onwards , he had a strange feeling that he had the delicacy of a female and even when his genitals got rubbed against some soft polls or cloths , he felt very strange sensations that he felt as if he was going into another world. His fetish tendencies grew day by day and he was unable to control himself of his strange behaviours.He never wanted to sex change or convert himself into woman but wanted to enjoy the feelings of being woman, wearing woman, bearing womanhood and hearing womenhood feelings. At that time he wanted to push his genitals inside or cover his genitals by Women’s mensuration bad or wanted to wear some women’s panty hose so that he will feel completely as a woman.
He fondly remembered the first time he was treated like a woman by his primary school mate in LKG by name kumar. Kumar used to come near him and tell him that now you are wearing blouse , skirt , combing a long hair , tying knots and putting flowers in your hair, wearing dozens of bangles in both hands matching your skirt and blouse, having KAJAL in your eyes ,lip stick in your lips, having rurmeric applied all over your face, by piercing ears and nose wearing nice ear rings with golden and diamond studs in your ear lobes, feeling very shy when you are saying your male classmates, always playing with girls all girls sports both indoor and outdoor like LUDO, SNAKE AND LADDER, “PALLANKUZHI” and outdoor activities like “PANDI ATTAM”, “KALLANKKAI” and putting water in the plant by singing rhymes like “By pouring one pot water , one rose bloosomed, by pouing two pot water, two roses blossomed”…he used to always read only sensuous ,emotional and sentimental love stories of woman who yearned for men.
He started feeling the same sensation like a woman not only in feelings but also in bodily needs. His strange sexual fantasies include
What researchers found he started imagining within himself? He started to go through the following four phases and because of this he masturbated a lot.As just like a women, he also went through the following four phases in his inner mind feelings.
1. Excitement (or arousal) phase. An initial stage in which some erotic stimulus, like kissing an attractive person, starts getting the body ready for sex. This stage is accompanied by a rise in heart rate and blood pressure, erection of the nipples and increased lubrication inside the vagina.(in his case his male organ).
2. Plateau phase. A stage in which the female body started to prepare itself for imminent orgasm. The clitoris becomes sensitive, and the tissues of the outer part of the vagina begin to swell.(In his case his penis or genitals carried the sensation and started to swell).
3. Orgasmic phase. This is characterized by immense enjoyment, and by a series of involuntary contractions in the pelvic muscles, plus cries of pleasure, and muscular spasms in various parts of the body.
4. Resolution phase. In this stage, blood pressure and heart rate fall as like a- woman 'calms down'. However, if sexual stimulation continues, the resolution phase may be very short, and she may proceed to further orgasms. In this case , he masturbated uncontrollably.
These reactions can be more fully explained but these strange sensations inside him became aninsatiable, uncontrollable desires which pre occupied his mind always leading to adapt more female behaviors whenever he met with boys. Whenever he fought with boys physically instead of fighting, he started enjoying the fight thinking that the other person who is fighting with him is giving him bodily pleasure. He always wanted to have these strange sensations and whenever a boy touched, caressed or moved his hands in his sensitive parts, he felt as if he was going to heaven in his feelings or never wanted to resist those sizzling temptations. Thus, he felt as if he was one among the woman but never wanted to convert fully as a woman.