Squad Room Humor

Squad Room Humor

Because of the stress that is inherent in police work anything that can pull a laugh or break the tension is usually welcome, just as long as when the dust all settles everyone who was involved is still laughing. It's also probably a good idea for the casual reader to understand that when it comes to humor, cops and most other emergency service workers march to a different drummer than the general public and sometimes the pranks that we find humorous may appear somewhat harsh or bizarre to the uninitiated.
Several years ago one of the guys found a mannequin in a trash dumpster while out on patrol. The legs of the dummy later materialized sticking out of the grill of a police car with a series of triangular pieces of white paper taped around the edge of the grill. The end result gave the uncanny appearance of a patrol car which was in the process of swallowing someone ala "Jaws". The concoction sat low enough so as to be invisible from the driver’s seat and the poor guy assigned to the car was out on patrol for almost an hour before he realized what had been done to his car.
"I was starting to wonder why I was getting all of the weird stares" he later remarked.
The head of that same mannequin was later painted up with lifelike colors and some hair was found somewhere and glued on to make some pretty realistic looking eyebrows. Over a period of several weeks, "Marie" (Antoinette) as we dubbed her, turned up in several unexpected places and generated quite a few jumps. I remember the shriek I gave out when I encountered her as I lifted up the lid on a toilet seat and found her staring back up at me from the porcelain bowl.. All in all we got some pretty good mileage out of that dummy!
Then there was the time that I came in one morning and was briefed by the graveyard shift about the events of the prior evening. I guess I wasn't quite as alert as I should have been or I would have noticed that the guys were hanging around even though they were free to go home. As I walked down the hall to my office I also failed to notice that the door was closed, even though I always left it open. When I pulled the door open I suddenly found myself standing nose to nose with a horse. I yelled and jumped back and even before I landed I heard the guys laughing and instantly knew I’d been had.
As it turned out, the night before, some pranksters had stolen a full sized fiber glass horse from where it had been on display in front of a local western wear shop. Apparently they had felt that they might look just a bit suspicious walking down the street with such a prize in tow and so they had ditched it a block away. Our guys had found it and had decided that my office would be the perfect place to store it until day shift could return it to the storekeeper.
A good friend of mine was working as a receptionist in a doctor’s office around the time Viagra first became popular. One night she was telling me about all of the items they were getting to promote the stuff. In talking further I learned that they had Viagra clocks, Viagra pens, Viagra watches and the list went on and on. Suddenly I was hit with what may not have been one of my best ideas: I decided to create a Viagra motif for my office. I already had a pretty good start as the walls were exactly the same shade of blue as the Viagra was.
Over the next few weeks she started bringing the stuff in to me and before long I had Viagra pens in a Viagra coffee cup on my desk. I also had a Viagra clock on the wall, a Viagra desk blotter and a Viagra calendar. I even sported a Viagra wristwatch and had a Viagra letter opener. Everyone seemed to get quite a kick out of the whole thing and always acted like they knew I was lying when I assured them that I never used the stuff.
One of the items I got was an empty pill box that had at one time actually contained Viagra pills. As soon as she gave it to me my mind started racing as to how I could get the best use out of it. Finally that little light bulb, which has so often gotten me into so much trouble over the years, flashed on.
Gleaning through package of M&M's I pulled out all of the blue ones and slipped them into the Viagra box and laid it on top of my desk. It had been my intention to wait until the right time with the right person and then casually reach over, open the box, shake out a half dozen or so and eat them while asking my victim if there was anything I could do to help them.
Initially it was a hot idea but the proper situation never presented itself, which is perhaps just as well, and so the box laid untouched on my desk for several weeks. One day when I was straightening things up in my office I picked it up to move it out of the way and it rattled. Surprised, I shook it a second time and it rattled again. I opened the box and discovered that it was only half full. In spite of the fact that I have always prided myself for being able to think on my feet it still took a few seconds for everything to sink in. Remember I said that I never closed my office door at night?
I began to monitor the Viagra box and after another week and a half it was down to three lonely blue M&M’s.
I never found out who it was that was sneaking into my darkened office late at night and stealing my M&M’s one by one, but I can only hope that they at least experienced a positive placebo effect!