Merry Christmas & So long Jersey Shore!

First and Foremost, I just want everyone to know that "yes, I am a bit insane". Perhaps, maybe even more so in the clinical sense these days, but my intentions are good. My intentions might seem a bit strange to some of you but as I have mentioned before and what you all should already know about me, I can't help it. In the spirit of Christmas, which.. As you all may already know holidays are not my thing. I can't thrive emotionally on repetitive holiday tons, starring at a log burning on television for hours and hours and last but not least I don’t do well with alcoholic beverages in which dairy is one of the main components. The concept of Eggnog is something I will never grasp, along with several other "misc." realities. I don't like Christmas trees I think they make a mess. Shopping for someone that you truly care about is a month long panic attacks that doesn't go away. I waste so much gas "almost" driving through the mall parking lot entrance, but first I must pass it by three times and whisper "psych" to myself each time until then finally committing to what I had set out to do which was to visit the mall.

I'm not going to blab on about the endless anxieties I have toward performing regular human tasks because, although I am writing a book already. I don't have time to also start my own personal set of encyclopedia’s alphabetically organizing my weird problems.

Recently I have teamed up with an amazing comedian from NYC who does pretty much everything, he’s on TV, he does podcast's he just landed his first TV pilot and he is insane enough to take me under his wing and get this freak show on the road. I have been writing and writing for the past two weeks, what ever inspiration has come over me its like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life, I think it's my inner being pushing me to survive, to make a life for myself doing what "god" or "science" set out for me to do. For a really long time I fought against the fact that I was weird, that I didn’t see things like other people saw things and that I didn’t mind being alone. The older I get the more I realize my values are completely different and separate from a lot of my closest friends. I am just different and I can't explain it. I'm not different because my brother passed away recently, I am not different because I lived in NYC for 8 years and actively engaged in odd behavior and pursued weird situations and toxic human beings. I'm different because "baby I was born this way" (that’s a complete fucking joke don’t ever take me seriously if I quote lady gaga).

I am leaving the Jersey Shore January 1st, I have spent my whole life trying to gauge my hatred for this place, I tried to find some common ground, and I couldn't. I can't and I never will and it’s a bit sad in a sense. It's sad in a sense because despite my hatred for this area, I really really fucking love the people from this area. Weird right?

It sucks when you finally come to the actualization in life that you truly can't have it all. You can have a lot of what you want, but not everything. You have to decide how much of what you actually desire in this lifetime to become a reality, over the course of these past four months I did just that.

I accepted certain realities that were out of my hands, like I said you can't have everything but if you work really hard and "do the right thing like spike" you should have a good chunk of what you desire.

What I want is to make people laugh, I want to make people laugh so fucking hard that they forget how hard certain parts of life can be. I want to make a person that has just endured a horrible tragedy fall to their knees in laughter. Comedians or shall I say "comedy writers" wouldn’t normally be classified by importance in the classical sense, "importance of a human beings occupation in this worlds" usually goes to the doctors, the lawyers, the teachers, the pope and what ever he has under him and hopefully not a underage little boy, because that would just destroy this argument.

But I think comedy writers, comedians act. I think they save lives, they save lives when no one is watching and when they know that no credit will be granted for such.
Comedy saved my life, after the passing of my brother in August it took me two weeks to be able to even attempt to watch TV. Eventually, I got onto Netflix and just started running through humorous sitcoms, one after another. It was all that I could watch and after some time I began to laugh.

I want to save someone's life in this sort of way some day. I know I can, because I was that person that needs to be saved in ways few can even begin to grasp. God, well if there is one, which I have recently re opened my faith file and I’m not going to join the convent or anything but having a little faith can't hurt. I am not going to go to church or read psalms but I wont totally write off god, heaven or angels. Because daily, I tell myself that my brother is somewhere really good and having the best time of his life and I hope to hell there is a heaven. I really do. If there is one, I hope he's there because he deserves to be happy and so do I.

Going back to what I was just saying initially, there will come a time in your life when you will know without a doubt in your mind that there is something that you cannot without a doubt have or mend. Time travel is impossible and if you spend all your time focusing in on the pain of what you cannot have, you'll waste mad time in the pursuit of obtaining the things that you can without a doubt get in your lifetime.

I got jokes, but I don't have a brother. Some people couldn’t entertain or deliver a joke to save their lives but they might have a brother.

So imp going to cut to the chase, enough sappy shit. It is bad enough I had walk around Victoria Secret looking for over the knee back seemed stocking for about an hour while listening to several horrible classic Christmas songs just to find out that I walked around in circles for an hour for no reason and that my ears were on the verge of bleeding out when the knee high's were on a stand facing toward me as I first entered that mess of a store.


Enough about me, lets talk about other people for a change. I'm leaving New Jersey and I plan on never coming back. I have been dropping hints left and right but I don’t think people are actually picking up on these cues. But ill be out like a bat out of hell (literally). "It's not you guys, its me"

I love all of you seriously, I wish they best for all of you and I am sure you will achieve that but I cannot achieve my best here. I achieve my best in Green point, Brooklyn writing in my laptop in a simple crappy apartment that most likely has lead base paint and faulty wiring. This is what I really, really like. This is what makes me myself and okay with it. I actually am mad cool with Dara Low right now, we totally settled our differences and agreed that she deserves to go back to what makes her happiest and that's a place called the Mark Bar, a deli called the organic deli which is not organic, I want to go listen to my old neibors dj at a venue in walking distance of my beloved shitty lead based apartment. I want to collaborate with newfound business partners and friends and I want to come to life, I want to be what I was intended to be. The person who makes failing, feeling awkward about things and over thinking "okay". I want to make people feel "okay"; I enjoy exposing my scars both physically and mentally. I like it when shit doesn't pan out sometimes it feels kind of nourishing, I totally dig a short trip to "Hotel de Rock Bottom". I love crawling myself out of something I thought I couldn’t handle and having amazing stories come out of it. I guess Edgar Allen Po what describe this as just this:

“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

Like, I know who I am right now and it feels better than having not known who I was for years. It was torture, but now. It’s all kind of breezy in a sense that I can some what relax and take in my surroundings and embrace my dreams with no remorse.

I feel weightless and I get goose bumps all of the time for no reason. Chills come over my body and I smile sometimes for no particular reason. It's something I can't describe I think i just know now what my purpose is and has been since i was born. I kind of really love people and although life hasn’t been great for me it will be and I’ll make all those who have suffered as I have and will always in a sense, i will give them a reason to keep pushing for happiness.

Tonight I let go of my hatred of my high school, once again not because of the people i attended that high school with, because those people like 80% of them were some of the craziest, different & amazing people i might ever have the pleasure of knowing. There were several warm sentimental times for me during high school, there was a shit ton of laughing, plotting and bullshitting. I mean when you’re in high school you should feel like you could potentially fly at any moment, the world has everything to offer you, there is endless possibilities. I hated doing schoolwork but I loved the drama, the inside jokes and all the socializing i got in.

As for the school it's self well its plain fucking creepy. The fact that any of us spent four years or almost four years in my case in a small building set in the middle of a graveyard next to a man made lake that was 30% water 70% geese fesses is beyond me. I remember one of the first days of high school freshman year when it was still warm outside so we went out for gym and that was where I first witnessed a burial. A family circled around a ditch in which a loved one was being lowered down into to spend eternity next to a place full of annoying teenagers with acne, emotional problems and raging hormones. He got dealt some shit; I'll never forget that first burial, I say first because i saw several obviously. But, this one kid in class started screaming during it, no one else but him. I said to him, "is this a medical condition or are you like a very evil, heartless emotional inept human being?"

Needless to say i think those were the last words that kid and I ever exchanged in general not just in regards to having proper respect during a burial. I mean, not a run of the mill type of altercation most kids experience have in high school but hey, I’m not most people and I’m not apart of any majority of any sort. If I get bill gates status ever, I want to pay for everyone who attended shore regional from the years 2001- 2005 health insurance indefinitely, dental .. That might be a stretch.

But I'm hoping the ridiculously odd way in which I decided to spend my evening tonight might hold everyone off until I obtain a certain amount of financial prosperity.

I don't want to give away too many details that are why I took pictures. Basically I decided that spraying myself and my car with holy water every time I passed my high school on the highway wasn’t good enough and because I know for a fact that the board of Ed would never approve of a holy water spritzing filtration system to be built within the walls of my high school. Which would work on a timer, releasing a mist of holy water throughout the hallways during every scheduled period break. It would basically act as a non-stop purifying/cleansing machine.

The Rolling Stones said it best, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you’ll get what you need"

Well.. I sure "tried" but only time can tell whether or not my efforts were successful.. Because. I wont be around to know the outcome, or "see" it, I mean I’ll still be receiving calls, texts and emails...

Tonight I set out on a mission to let go of my hatred toward my high school. Of course I didn’t do this is a normal way, but I ran out of normal solutions and they all failed miserably so I turned to "magic". Magic is a lot more fun then hours of therapy, ill tell you that much. Also crystals are fun to look at.

I arrived at my high school around 10pm:
I brought all my new found magical, evil vanishing, cleansing supplies including my sage, two spritzer bottles of holy water one (1 back up), 3 white spirit quartz stones to heal and clear the blockage causing bad teachers to continue to live (old as fuck the evilest ones) and Block any sort of education to be achieved in a positive sense, in general. To stop the debilitating blockage of morals and perception in that of the facility of that school's stupid weird heads. It also represents cleanse, purity and hope. I also brought, 2 aura quartz to promote the release of "feelings” and expression of affection and appreciation of others, which needs to be released... baldy, there is like a giant walk in freezer of lost hopes, dreams and souls some where in that shed in the parking lot and those are the things I am referring to that need to be let go. Also, One large amethyst which represents my hommies the people that attended my high school along side of me classes of 2002 - 2005 (word is bond, pound through the computer style).... people I loved essentially. The other quartz were used for the protection of their offspring, but this one was for them and all the weird shit they had to endure. This will help them to forget the creepiness and obscurity of all our experiences at that hell's mouth of an education facility and to embrace a life that doesn't hold them back. I mean I had to do at least one negative thing but I kept it PG I brought one black opal cross wrapped in twine & asked that one teacher in particular would I develop a permanent case of strep throat, a condition never known to science. Everything else was very positive especially the music I bumped like no ones business from my sweat new system in my Beam Piece, “keep on rocking in the free world" by Neil Young I turned it up as loud as I could - while twirling in circles dancing and hashing all over the mo fucking parking lot, throwing tiny bits of copper throughout the parking lot, I danced, I danced like I never danced before for reasons I never thought I would, with things in my hands I never thought I would purchase but boy did i DANCE, i dance for everyone. I danced for at least 500 people AT LEAST, I am exhausted .... But it was worth it.

Ever say I never do anything for anyone; I love to a point of near mental retardation.
This was no breakfast club scenario I kid you not, it's scary as all hell in that parking lot a night. Spooky ass graveyards and the black lagoon aka Franklin Lake, who knows what I was up against... but in reality, they didn't know who they were up against and by them i mean all the evil spirits who haven’t crossed over yet and haunt like its their mother fucking job.

I took them down, down to china town. So run and tell that to your future kids.

oh and have a Merry Christmas Guys, Peace, Love & Prosperity.



Oh and....

"I Hope You Dance"
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)