SEE NO SIBLING,HEAR NO SIBLING Rewrite

SEE NO SIBLING, HEAR NO SIBLING    ( A Rewrite )                                                                                                                                             

                              Another summer of family travel via vehicle is behind me. I'm not referring to being supported, nurtured, encouraged and protected. I mean finished, ended, as in disappearing in the rear view mirror. Being relatively close, both in the familial sense and in the physical in-your-face sense, brings new meaning to the phrase "relatively unscathed". Once again I survived the unique togetherness that only a car trip can inflict.                                                                                                              

         The relationship dynamics of the family transport consist of the driver/parent,or grandparent, versus the passengers/children,or grandchildren. Initially, the children tag team the captive driver with question after question. "When will we get there?" "What time is it?" "How much further?"  "Are we there yet?" "How much longer?" "What time is it?" ( Again. ) "Now are we there?"                              

         Offering an "ETA", ( estimated time of arrival ),is a mistake. Children deal in the concrete, the here and now, not in "maybes" or "probablies". They hear "time of arrival". Given a time, they make plans. If I say, "around two o'clock", this is interpreted as: " Great! It'll still be daylight. After parking, unpacking, and changing into a swimsuit, I should hit the beach at 2:05."  They do not accept delays such as traffic jams, refuelling, stopping to ask for directions, turning around, road construction, or even traffic lights. Waiting for an officer to write out a ticket and then hand deliver it is especially aggravating, and not just for the driver! Pit stops for calls of nature or drinks do not seem to annoy the kids, although they also gobble up precious motoring time.                                                            

         Thank goodness the passengers soon grow weary of asking the same questions and hearing the same old answers. Trapped together in the back seat siblings turn on each other. Petty disagreements and annoyances fester, irritated by heat, inactivity, crankiness, and boredom.                                        

         All of the above manifest themselves in hyper-sensitive squabbling children. "He's looking at me!" My rejoinder to this is a logical one. It takes two so you must be looking at him. "She's touching me!" To this, I remind them that they are all in the same boat. They are along for the ride and they just have to share the close cramped quarters. We do not own a bus. "She's breathing on me!" This is my personal favourite! Everyone needs to breathe. How dare someone, especially a relative breathe on you! Come on, what kind of a personal injury/affront is this? Does it actually hurt? "Ooohh, her breath is warm." Are sibling cooties worse if they are delivered via air??                                                            

         The distracted driver often reacts with futile ineffectual threats. "Don't make me stop this car!" The combatants recognize this for what it is: an extremely unlikely implied threat. They know full well that the chauffeur has a vested interest in travelling from Point A to Point B. The kids understand that to pull over would require a great deal of effort and re-focus, and possibly a large clear off-the-road space especially if you're towing a trailer. It would also delay the sweet we're-finally-here moment. These same instigators will also dismiss the "I've had it up to here" declaration. What does this even mean? What does "here" look like? What is "here"? Where is "here"? What exactly is "it"?                              

         It is impractical and unsafe to suggest, (order, insist), that the "agreeing to disagree" kids "take it outside". This would only be possible with an actual stop and would create the dreaded delay, for refereeing, for example. In the end, the same sulky siblings with the same loathed luggage would just re-enter the same vehicle.                                                                                                              

         No doubt about it children are the most distracting of driver distractions. Cell phone usage, sirens,  lane closures, traffic---- none of them compare. Kids seem to believe in the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy. If Mom doesn't see it, it didn't happen. The umpire told, "He hit me!" cannot make a ruling while keeping both eyes on the road.                                                                                

         Of course, no one wants to drive distracted, or frazzled. There must be something practical, simple, economical,and ethical, but most of all, effective, for parents. My suggestions would entail a quick shopping spree at a dollar store. Common everyday items would have to be purchased in sufficient quantities. Perhaps the children could make the selections in the colours and patterns of their choosing.                                                                                                                        

         I propose that all siblings sitting anywhere near each other be outfitted with a blindfold, a pair of ear muffs, a pair of oven mitts, and something that would impair their speech: a gag, a muzzle, or a diver's snorkeling tube. Please bear with me. Each of these items is invaluable, if not revolutionary.          

         Wearing a blindfold would certainly prevent young passengers from enjoying the view, but they will not miss something that they previously opted to ignore in favour of glaring or smirking at a seatmate. With their power of sight revoked, it will become "see no sibling".                                        

         Kids are resourceful. They may no longer be able to stare at one another, but they could, and probably would, resort to name-calling, insults, and bickering. Words can hurt. Words can bruise the tender feelings of sensitive siblings. Noises, repetitions, and sound effects are meant to aggravate. The ear muffs and the gag would ensure " hear no sibling" and "speak  no evil to no sibling". Imagine the blessed quiet.                                                                                                                        

         Okay, I've squelched most of the undesirable behaviour. If little hands are left free they may pinch, poke, slap, hit, tickle, and otherwise annoy all those within reach.Never underestimate their stretching capabilities. Kids invented "hands on". To nip this in the bud, each child must pull on a pair of oven mitts. This will be "touch no sibling".                                                                                

         To really think one step ahead of the restless natives, I would recommend that their footwear be removed. There's a possibility that they could reach out and touch someone with a kick or a nudge of their feet. Short of hog-tying them this may not be preventable. Bare feet, at least, may cause less damage.                                                                                                                        

         Unfortunately, not everything can be expected or prevented. Children can be resourceful and devious. If all else fails, they are capable of releasing foul offensive gas known as a fart or in layman's terms, a car emptier. This just somehow happens under the innocent guise of "I can't help it". This natural bodily function is guaranteed to create a maximum effect in the cramped quarters of the family car. Definitely a "gross out the siblings and parents" manoeuvre.                                                            

         If all of the above seems a little drastic, and too much of a sensory deprivation trauma,I suggest that a limousine, a stretch variety, be purchased. The driver would be separated from the unruly passengers by a wonderful divider. ( Probably soundproof??) The kids could spread out in the roomy plush back seats without touching or breathing on each other. Perhaps they'd be so far apart that they couldn't see or hear each other either.  Aaaah, "see no squabble, hear no squabble".

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