10 things I'd like to say to my father

He asks me
Why I don’t spend time with them anymore
Tells me
Him and my brother are both very upset about it
I try on a board expression
And convince him easily
That I’ve just been tired and
I’m not into the same things they are
As he walks away
I think about
The 10 things I’d like to say to my father
1. You told me I needed to lose weight. I thought your job as daddy was to tell me I was perfect, always doing everything right?
2. Why didn’t you ever tell me I did something right?
3. That look you give me, that says I’m so proud or You’re so awesome is a damn lie. You’ve never been proud of me, so why do you fake it? Why don’t you just tell me how you really feel?
4. You want to know why I don’t spend time with you anymore? When you realize I’m not your fucking maid, and shouldn’t be cleaning your entire house for you, maybe we can have a real conversation again. But right now I don’t have time with dishes stacked high and dirt arriving out of thin air.
5.  You wanna know why I don’t spend time with you anymore? You said “What else is new?” and I realized you didn’t really care if I hurt myself.
6. I realized that you don’t care about me at all. I told you I was struggling with my depression and I only had a few crutches left but you kicked them out from under me and while I was on the ground, you kicked me for good measure. Now you ask me if I’m okay and you don’t want the real answer so I don’t give it to you just keep it locked away like the marijuana you didn’t think I knew about.
7. You keep me here and tell me that it’s for my own good but since when is killing someone good for them? Since when is it okay to lock up the kids you so lyingly cared about? Since when is it good to tell them to get something done but refuse to give them the chance?
8. And since when did you not want me to breath? Have you always wished for your youngest to die, to fade off into the night because as I may not be dying on the outside, the thoughts and loneliness have started eating out my insides.
9. Unfortunately, they left my heart alone.
10. I want to hate you but I can’t.
10. I love you but I don’t fucking want to anymore.
10. You’re the only boy to every break my little girl heart.
10. You’re the reason I’m running, even from my own mind.
10. You’re why I wish they would have just eaten my heart. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty over not spending enough time with you.