Trust

Trust is the meaning or belief that goes beyond or the ability to totally depend on someone completely. It is something that you give over complete ownership of and fee complete freedom and liberty in . However, I am not good at trusting anyone and it is my one area that I am weak in. I have always struggled with trusting people because I know it stems from what I've been through in my life. Of course, I know that I can change this about myself and make it work in my daily living. It's not a way to live my life and I do not want it to rub off on my daughter, and set this example before her.

The distrust that I have comes from my childhood, and it has managed to make me into the woman that I am today. Unfortunately, it came with some very hurtful circumstances that I'm not willing to share but they are there. There are times that I want to break loose from myself, and step out and feel the sweet liberty away from the chains that I have put around myself. I do feel like it is something that I can accomplish if I try hard enough.  It reminds me of the song that Mary, Mary sings:

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance. I just want to praise you; I just want to praise you. You broke those chains now I can lift my hands. And I'm going to praise you; I'm going to praise you."

I love this song and the verses are very real to what we go through in our life struggles. We all have different beliefs of a spiritual nature, but we all breathe air and that means we all have gone through things that has been life-changing. Things that still affect us today and how we react to it is what we have the ability to control. I know for myself, that I have the ability to control my reaction to what happens to me. I cannot control life circumstances, but I can control my reactions to those circumstances.

Even today, I have to constantly keep control on my trust issue, even in my relationships with my friends and family. I've been married for a long time, and I and my husband have been through some major hurdles. There was a time that we were a part from each other, and truthfully; it amazes me that we are even friends to this day. Our relationship has had its' ups and downs, but we have become really close and there is a strength that keeps us going. It has been our determination to effectively communicate with each other that has accomplished this. Each day is a new chance to work on me as far as my trusting goes.

The beautiful thing about my relationship with my spouse is that he gives me the space I need and there is a mutual respect. We have learned that it is better to be completely honest with each other when it comes to our individual needs. Now that we are much older, there is a maturity in our marriage like fine wine. It gets much better with age and time. It has been an extremely long road of trials and tribulations that has brought a deeper friendship between us. I am a better woman because of it too.

Each day is a new day to start a clean slate and bring something new to the table. I'm not saying that everything is perfect and a bed full of roses, but I am saying that I try each day to be even better. My heart is in it fully and now that we have a child in our life, it's worth it to me to try and achieve excellence. My focus is my family and my love for the two people in my life makes it worth putting my best foot forward. My trust issue is getting better day by day and I'm so happy about that. I see the difference in what I use to be and what I am now. I like that. It reminds me of that song:

I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms

If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

[Chorus:]
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of breaking down
Sometimes silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, oh

If I can see it, then I can be it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

[Chorus]

Hey, cause I believe in me, oh.  Really Lyrics by R.Kelly

It all starts with me. I have to believe that I can get through each day and make sure on the next day, that I surpass the day before that. My mind control over my lack of trust, my self-doubt and my fears is something that I believe that I can soar high above them and achieve miracles in my life. If I told you of what my marriage suffered and where it led me and where I am now...you would know that beyond the shadow of a doubt, it is a miracle that I and my husband are together today. The fact that we are friends and now have a little baby girl, is a miracle from God. He repaired and healed my marriage and God opened the door to a beautiful adoption.

Through it all, I can get through anything, including my issues with trust because when I look back...I see where I've been and I see where I am now. I have a lot to be thankful for and I humbly admit that I am contently happy with my life. I do not even want to think about where I could have been and the thought of being unhappy and alone...makes me stand silent in repose. To think of what all I would have missed out on and my little girl...it's not worth it.

If you are like me and you struggle with trust or other self-incrimination's...please listen to me...you can get through it. All you need to do is take one baby step at a time and believe in yourself that you can. Believe in yourself that you can make it through it and you will soar high above all the self-doubt and fears. The things and/or people in your life that says that you will not make it...if you have to remove them from your path by disassociation, then that is what you need to do. Positive Mental Reinforcements is what you need to surround yourself with. It can be done because I have done it. I have a small circle of friends who have stood by me and proven themselves to be true, and my life is filled with enrichment daily because of those drastic steps that I have taken. You can do it. I am doing it.

I will trust in you
through the battles at bay
for in you I find my resource
of strength for a new day
And though the struggles
are fierce in the mist
of the fight of daily life
I will remember this
for-ever in my heart
of the one thing I can give
as a gift of genuine love
for as long as I live
It is an unfettered token of
my trust in you for-ever from
the deepest depths of my soul.
Poetry written by DJane