New Me

I started Project Me at the beginning of tis year as a way of trying to make myself better in many areas of my life. Many people concentrate on loosing weight and getting fit when New Year arrives but I knew my issues were bigger than that. Yes I had to loose weight and yes I want to get fit but I also needed help with my mental issues and to find a balance.

I had lost me over the years through illness and loss, the most recent being my father and I was suffering. But as usual I had put others before myself and I finally lost it in November last year when my bipolar flared and I was off work for over a month. The last time that had happened was about 5-6 year ago when my then partner died. But this second time was worse, the mental and physical pain was worse and the panic attacks started and I was becoming more of a recluse withdrawn and not wanting to go anywhere or be with anyone except my husband, not even my own family. Trying to cope with Christmas was hard but I had to do it but that time off also gave me time to think and work out what I really needed.

My illness are compounded by my weight. My weight in turn is compounded by my medication. My head is just the way it is but exercise and down time helps that to remain settled or on a high (not too bad but also has its problems) and I needed to above all learn to love myself, respect myself and just overall be kinder. I, like many women, am my own worst enemy. I give myself such a hard time and put so much pressure on myself.

So I challenged myself. I have set myself lots of mini goals which all seem far more achievable than one big major one. Plus having lists to cross off to show how much I have done is a boost, even if it is something as simple as got out of bed, got dressed today, brushed my teeth. Some days these little things feel huge.

My work as a secretary for a team of 14 can be very stressful and following a big team shake up and moving to this new team after 7 years with my other one upset my mental equilibrium. I do not do change well, I don't accept it as well as others, my head makes my over think and blow things way out of proportion and again the panic attacks started, this was the key to my big episode in November/December. So this was another of the key factors I had to take into consideration during my Project Me.

So the areas I had to cover:

1. Diet
2. Exercise
3. Mind
4. Inner acceptance
5. Inner peace
6. Balance in all areas
7. Work
8. Kindness
9. Downtime
10. Wellbeing

To start it all off, I decided to tackle number 7 first - work - I began to realise that work is not as important as many people think. Its important in the sense of money but not in the sense of my wellbeing. So rather than taking my stresses at home, I left them at the door. I go in, I do my stuff and I come home. I hardly talk about work at home to my husband. My life does not rotate around my job and I have no control over what they want to do - should they decide to make me redundant, I can do nothing to stop them, so why worry about it. I'm just me, and it you don't like me I cant make you but I remain calm, I smile and I carry on.

Now I appear to have that area under control I can work on me. My need to loose weight and get fit is high. I am classed as morbidly obese and my many ailments are either caused by this or aggravated by it. So I have to eat better and with some structure and move more. This all sound well and good and the norm but add to that the fact that for most of the many medications I take, one of the side effects is either slowed down weight loss, weight gain or increase in appetite. So I am battling with not just the actual fat but the side effects also. I know I need to exercise but I suffer from arthritis and PMR (Polymyalgia rheumatic) both which cause extreme joint pain making exercise not impossible but extremely painful. So I am on two vicious circles. But onwards I battle as I so need to do this, more than I have ever needed to in my 48 years.

The mental health side of things is the trickiest area as there is little if any decent help within the mental health service and it feels like you are being permanently being pushed from pillar to post like no one wants to actually take responsibility for you and your care. So you feel in limbo and left to your own devices. You start off with your GP after suffering severe anxiety, rapid cycling bipolar, dark thoughts and general feelings to that you want to just shut down. They refer you to the local mental health service and you wait for weeks to get an appointment. When you finally get there, you are assessed and then told that because you want to have talking therapy and learn coping methods rather than take any more tablets, when you are already on two types equalling 5 tablets a day just for that, you are then told that they have to refer you to another service. This entails then signing you off their service which you have only just got on and referred back to your GP who then has to refer  you to the new service. So you wait and you wait and nothing happens. So you contact the first service who see you for a second time, and then say oh I will write again and push this forward, are  you sure you don't want any more drugs? And so this continues and I am still waiting to be seen by someone who may be able to help.

So basically, I have had to take my mental health care into my own hands. I am trying several techniques including colouring therapy, relaxation, deep breathing, journaling, and of course exercise which I have always found a huge help. None of these are a solution on their own but I feel that as a combined package they are doing the trick. I feel balanced and calm and have only had minor dips and not deep plunges. The highs have been incredible and they have not been followed by debilitating crashes.

I know this whole project is never a short term fix but instead one lovely long full length, technique colour adventure but I am taking it in my hands, holding on for dear life and running with it. I am doing this for me, my husband and my family. I want to hit my 50 birthday as fit and fab and not fat and flab. I need to do this. I can do this. I will do this.