Working Out a Viable Salvation Context

I want to know why.
Why wants to know me.
Enigmas call waiting to be solved.
I wait wondering about salvation's cost


At times it can seem like the very truth and meaning that we seek has sought us out for generations even before we were born. When we are aware we can move beyond being caught with our history or being freed. With all that being said any thing I write is my own impressions and in no way is it my attempt to convert anyone to my point of view. I believe we all work out our salvation with fear and trembling.

         The two pauses for pondering arise out of my connection with the person who claimed he was Jesus and the man Stephen who was more likely bisexual than homosexual in my estimation. Both of these are being reflected on in the light of having survived being hospitalized in a State hospital when I was a young adult. What do I make of all this?

         I am a minister among many ministers in my family history. I was studying to be a pastor, when I encountered the man who claimed to be Jesus. At some levels I will no doubt I will always be haunted by the fact I followed this "person who called himself Jesus". I also admit that my own understanding of who Jesus is in relationship to others changed dramatically. I come from a family which has a very high view of Jesus. According to most accounts Jesus was God and would come in power to show "Christians" that they were in the right while the world around them "sinners" will be judged and cast into hell. I may be over stating my case a bit, but this is also what I was gathering from my contacts with evangelical Christianity. I do not disagree at all with the fact that Jesus is God. I was indelibly imprinted with the reality from my State hospital experience that Jesus was as much a man who could be out there instead of up above waiting to strike.
         Much of my upbringing involved being in fear of a God that would get me if I was caught doing wrong. Jesus was the refreshing missing link. Jesus would forgive me for anything. The only problem, knowing that Jesus is God and expecting me to being righteous at what cost? Meeting a Jesus in a State Hospital setting confronted me with the reality of the gospel that saw Jesus coming to earth and being born in a stable to simple ordinary folk. It could have been easy for God to put Jesus in any other circumstance. God put Jesus in a humble place and faced Jesus with being like everyone else before realizing how others might get to know God. He did not minister until he was in his thirties and so this makes me wonder what happened before that.
         At this point I shift focus from an overly deistic viewpoint to embrace that Jesus wanted to understand other humans and even himself before he could effectively minister for about three years. When I look at the Jesus in the Mental health setting I consider the scripture in Matthew that says that even as I do it unto the least of these I do it unto Jesus. Who is to say that Jesus in the second coming could come out of a mental health setting, the inner city or some poor country we have little or no awareness about. I left this situation pondering how I could be the presence of Jesus for others no matter where I went. This made it difficult to minister to people who lived the gospel of entitled belief. I learned most people want a free ride and blessing to be whoever they were as Christians. It was hard to speak out of what I learned especially as it related to healing from mental illness issues. People would of rather thought they were above ever needing to get treated for emotional illness. That the problem of someone else.
         My opinions of sexual orientation were also deeply affected by my experience in the state hospital. Most of my family and even church connections would say homosexuality is wrong as if it was a choice. It was an abomination according to what they read in the scripture. My connection with Stephen confronted me with other ways to look at the issue, whether I wanted to or not. Stephen groomed me to have a sexual connection with him. I could not see it at the time and yet know it to be true now. I experienced his trespass as a violation and even abuse. At the same time I also take some ownership of the reality that he was there for me when no one else was. The Christian church establishment treated me like a leper. I felt Stephen made an effort to get to know me even if in my estimation it was for the wrong reasons. I was faced with wanting to give up on myself and life. I had been cast into the hospital with the indictment I was mildly depressed. Dad was working too many hours at work and mom was having a difficult pregnancy. They had no other choice but to put me in the state hospital. I could be bitter, but I learned for the first time that people outside my family could be caring. When Stephen found out I wanted no part of his shenanigans he left me alone. He respected my sexual longings. Over time I had to forgive him to get on with my life. This meant letting him be him without a need to change him, which was anathema to many I came in contact with after the event. I learned to keep my opinions to myself for fear of getting beaten up by the very people that had nothing to do with me when I needed it most. I left the hospital setting thinking that a lot of Christians were hypocritical. They put on a mask to distract people from the real problem which was there inability to be compassionate in situations. It is also true of me. It is easier to be critical of another person rather than myself.

         I have learned to keep to myself. Experience has taught me that respect is the most important value. I saw many things I did not like. People accuse others of not knowing Jesus because the Jesus they know is the only one that matters. Therefore there is all manner of manipulation. You believe my brand of Jesus or go to the place where Jesus would never go. I think I have been in such a place and it bothers me that some people(not all) preach Jesus to the rich masses rather than to people that need to know Jesus most. My mouth is wired shut except in a document like this. After all who want to listen to a person who has the label "crazy"?
         I have watched the same thing happen in Christian circles with the homosexual label. People are so sure they are right. I have counseled persons that have been sexually abused in all manner of ways and are preached at over and over, because they have tendencies toward wanting same sex contact. I knew one man who was sodomized in a boy scout troop repeatedly. At various times good Christian people saw improvements let him out of the hospital and over and over he repeated the abuse that he had himself received. At last contact he was being forced to be in the hospital for the rest of his life because no one could trust him. I do not think anyone chooses to be homosexual or heterosexual for that matter. I tend to think it happens over a wide spectrum to some being celibate to bisexual and everything in between. What disturbed me most as I was healing was that a charismatic preacher who was forever beating the pulpit on how homosexuality was wrong and was found to be a pedophile. Let the bottom line be that one knows person by their fruits. Actions will forever speak louder than words.