Together in Death

Together in death, and forever after.

December 7, 2005

I loved him, I loved him not. I loved him, I loved him not. As the final white petal on my now stripped daisy falls to the grass, I roll the answer to the childhood game, around in my mouth. The realization and simplicity astonishes me, why? I loved him. Dropping the remaining bits of the wildflower to the ground, I feel faint with memory, and drowned with lust, to be back in my past. To change the coarse it took.

Walking around the quaint childhood park, I brush my fingertips ever so lightly against the fence, longing to touch his long forgotten presence, and yet scared to feel it once again. Thrilled and fearful almost, that he might actually come alive. I graze past the magnificent old oak tree, walking around its immense trunk, remembering a time when this tree provided me amusement. Looking towards the swings, I feel a solitary tear escape from my frozen eyes, and I wipe it away almost instantly. I have become accustomed to this routine, the randomness at which water leaks form my vision, and swirls all my thoughts into a nonsensical mess. I am almost exempt from the feeling of sadness, because it never leaves. I am numb.

At one time in my life, no less than a year ago, I would have been walking around this park, on this stunning summer day, holding the hand of the man I loved. The man I do love. The man I will love. But not more than a year ago, the body of this man was taken, and the soul left to travel its coarse on its own. Not more than a year ago, the man I loved was taken from my grasp.

I awaken from my reverie and realize that I am now sitting on the swing, the one that I, for as long as I can remember, was scared to death of. The one where, when I was six years old, was forced to grow up. The one where the impact of the older man broke my wrist and the one where I never felt safe again. From that day forward, the man I loved took any opportunity to heal me. Even at the young age he was, he seemed older than allowed. He grew up with me. Shocked in disbelief how I ended up on this godforsaken swing, I look to the sky and realize that I must love him still. Even to this day, even subconsciously, even just the thought of him has helped me over come my fear. Even without you being here my love, you have helped me.

This realization sends shivers down my spine, and I know he feels what I’m about to do today. I know that he is torn between excitement and hate. But he cannot change my desire to be with him, and he cannot change my choice to take him away from pain. He cannot heal me completely if he’s not here. I miss him too much. I love him too much.

Picking my spiritless body off the swing, I feel more tears leak down my face, but I am now not interested in them. I am ready to leave. I walk down the path and onto the secluded dirt road I last saw him on. The one where I heard his last words. I bend down and feel the dirt between my fingers, they cleaned it up very well. But they didn’t take away the memory. My love was too strong. Taking small steps in the direction of the accident, I cannot breath. For I am afraid that if I make any sound, the presence I am feeling beside me will vanish. I am afraid that the picture revealing itself before me will stop, and I will not see him again. I’m sorry baby, I really am, but I cannot be away from you any longer.

looking down the road, I see the accident occur, and I can feel the pull of a spirit leaving a body, as it normally feels. In a few moments, my baby will be with me again. I walk towards the pile of mutilated debris, fearful of my past, and how this was where my life ended. I am watching my death occur to someone I love. As I get closer to the spot where silence has already overtaken, I feel the pull get stronger. Any second now, and I will be able to touch him. Any second my hand will be able to pull him out of his body and take him to where we be belong.

I peer into the car, and grasp the stiff hand of the man I loved, and the man I will now forever love. Lightly pulling on the spirit of his body, a transparent man reveals himself to me. My love.

I am sorry to have to do this, but I couldn’t take it. I needed to be with you. Now I am, and I wouldn’t take my decision back. Yes baby, I caused this accident, yes I caused your death. But it wasn’t a bad thing baby, I know you wanted to, but where too scared to do it for yourself. I see you cry every night, and I see you look towards your gun. We made a promise my love, to die for one another. I just helped you make it reality. After a year of waiting for you to float to me, I brought it upon myself to bring you to a peaceful death. I was supposed to go to heaven the day of my accident, but to hell I went. I guess you’re my god. You were the last face I saw the day of my death, and I’m going to be the last face you see. Take my hand baby, and we can forever live together in death.

I don’t have to wait in purgatory any longer; you have finally ended your life.