The Fox Rises at Moonlight

I stretch my hand out. I can almost feel him. His soft skin and lean muscles. His warmth of heart and his protective embrace. I can almost see his wide toothed grin and his twinkling green eyes. His black hair dancing in the wind. I can almost hear his laugh that made my heart flutter and make me smile. His voice that was husky, but smooth like Carmel. I can almost smell him. His cologne that smelled like mint and firewood. But now. All I see is cold hard wood. All I see is the church's lights reflection on the casket. All I hear are the sounds of sobs and the faint cracking of broken hearts. All I smell are the roses that lay atop in an ordered fashion thrown on top as if it's been rehearsed over and over. And the worst part. Is the feeling.
All I feel is the sorrow that cuts away at my center. All I feel is the jabs at my ribs from my broken heart. The painful shortness of breath and the feeling of my throat swallowing nails from holding back tears. Holding back tears so that our child doesn't have to see what has happened. I can not cry. I have to stay strong. I have to let my child know that his Daddy is in a better place. That even though he can't see him, that he will always be with him.
I grab my mom and tell her that i need to be excused. And I hold my head high and I walk out the church's doors, leaving the senses and emotions held up in that room and as soon as I hear that door shut I run. I pick up speed and kick my shoes off. I shake the pins out my hair and let my blond bun down. I pick up my skirt and sprint and I run off into a place far from the church and I cry. I scream! I Scream loud enough to make the angels cry. And I fall to my knees. I pound the dirt and and I choke on my tears but keep crying. I curl into a ball and wrap my arms around myself to keep me from falling apart. And I squeeze my eyes shut and cry. I am not silent. I am not beautiful I cry my ugly cry and I whail like child. I just let it all out and toss my head to the sky. "Oliver!" I cry. I cry harder and I just can't keep control anymore. And I lay there crying, feeling the breeze cool my tears.
I must have fallen asleep because it's dark now. I wipe my eyes and just lay there still. Waiting. Not even sure what for. I know I'm supposed to love and not use hate, but I hate him. My breath gets out of control for a second and I start to sniffle. I hate him so much. I hate him so much for taking him away from me. How hard was it to not drive when your drunk. How stupid can you be to drive drunk! I start to cry once more. If that guy that I hate so much wasn't drunk, then my Oliver would still be here. We would be on a beach somewhere walking into a sunset smiling as our little boy waddles out in front of us. But no. I am here in the dirt crying with so much hate and sorrow in my heart. "I miss you Ollie." "I miss you so much." And with that I get up and wipe my eyes and face clean. I sweep my hair back once more and fix my skirt. I brush the dirt off once more and walk back towards the church.
When I walk back into the parking lot my mom is still there. She is smoking a cigarette and watching my little boy run in circles chasing ducks out of the parking lot. She stands up when she sees me and I nod. Georgie runs up to me and I kneel down so he can jump on me. "Mommy when will Daddy get home?" I only smile and look at the sky. "He won't be coming back home. He is in a better place now." I say calmly. "But he did tell me before he left that he loves you very much and that whenever you miss him to look up at the stars. And when ever they twinkle that's him winking at you." Georgie pulls back excitedly. "Really!?" "You bet!" I say lightly nudging him as I smile. "We're you crying mommy?" I pick him up and twirl him around. "Why woul I be crying when I have you to make me smile." And with that I tickle him and he twist and squirms in my arms giggling. Making the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. As I see his daddy's eyes on him I smile and think to myself. Everything will be okay. Yes I will miss you Ollie. But you will never really be gone.