Struggles

Struggles



I am on the bicuspid of trying to decide whether to go back East or not. I put this writing together not because I am a writer in the classic sense. I merely celebrate the fact that I can write at all and it has some therapeutic value to me, and maybe it is some manner of encouragement to others. I write and hope others are glad that they can write with me.

I came out here to go to seminary in Kansas City in 1980 with scant resources. It was the only seminary in the United States that was of a Nazarene origin and that is where I went to College in Wollaston, Quincy. I would be a long way from home, but I talked with God and decided that I would eventually go back. That was a comfort and a motivating factor to eventually graduate from Central Baptist Seminary, Which is another story.(How I went from the Nazarene to Baptist Seminary).

I met the woman of my dreams and had three children by her. I forgot for a time my deal with God about going to Massachusetts. I was glad to answer a call that took me to Illinois and various places in Kansas and Missouri. There were dogs and cats and now grandkids. There was an awfully painful divorce to the woman I had vows with. I played tennis, ran and racked up a lot of friendships. About six years ago I remarried to a woman from Pennsylvania.

Much happened since the time I left back East in that other part of the universe I left behind. Mom and Dad died. My three brothers and four sisters have had lots of kids and grandkids, who I will probably never get to know very well, even if I did go back.(after all they have their own systems of support and routine). I finally went back after several years, about eight, and have begun to wonder more about why I left in the first place.

I have come to some conclusions and maybe I plunge too deeply. I wish I knew. I never was much of a swimmer and would hate to think I would get into far over my head.
1. I left merely to go to seminary. I could stop there and only get my feet wet.
2. I left home because it was time to grow up and find out who I was so that I might pursue a dream. Hey that feels better to know that almost refreshing like taking a warm bath.
3. I left to get away from the shame I felt at being attendant to my brothers becoming diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. It would take up a lot of space to say why. That is for another time.
4. I left to escape. I had been put in a mental institution by mom and dad and did not cherish the thought of ever going back. I hoped to discover a more healthy sense of who I was. And yes this had ups and downs. One panel of doctors told me to go off of meds all together and I survived about fifteen years without them (it was never easy). I was always in and out of therapy. My present therapist has been treating me for trauma issues. Thank God I have only gone back in the hospital once for a short stay following my divorce. I am glad for learning I am more emotionally healthy than I thought.

Much happened that has lead me to feel out of place and disoriented since my journey to KC. I loved the idea of finding family. They only problem was that since my divorce I have seen very little of them during the holiday season. The divorce lead me to seek out minimum wage jobs so that I could pay child support. My former wife was left raising the children who were for the most part grown and too often I feel like the kid looking at the candy from outside of the candy store with no money in my pocket. I am on the outside looking in.

I fast forward to my present moment. My wife, Sharon recently found out that her sister has cancer and will go back to take care of her for a time in Pennsylvania, who knows how long. I am working an infinite amount of overtime at Sprint as a security guard, longing to be a pastor. I am hoping for something to happen my way as if wondering if I have gone through enough as a human being and child of God. Maybe it is just a dream or seven more so struggling that is happening deep within that will lead to a joyful birth. I am impatient for this baby to come even as my daughter in law awaits the birth of her son. The only difference is that she has a time frame, I wait....