Cappuccino Dreams

"Cappuccino Dreams"

“I lied to you, you know." This is how I began my conversation, staring into a gallon-sized mug filled with a frothy mixture of cappuccino and Bailey's Irish Cream. I warmed my palms around the mug, shivering from the tropical breeze spinning mini-cyclones from the towering blue mountains in the background.

The woman sitting across from me didn't look up to meet my eyes, merely furrowed her eyebrows and watched the delicate trail of smoke waft from the cigar-sized joint she held in one hand. Words slowly floated from her calloused lips. "Lied about what?"

(That it doesn't matter if you let me freeze !)

"Sleeping with that chick in Florida." With one fingertip I traced the swirling tattoo designs on the table top where they sat. I squirmed, unfamiliar with my new name: LIAR. It felt rather like regressing to childhood again, owning up to an infraction that seemed huge only in the eyes of a condemning parent.

When she didn't respond, I continued, trying to prevent a defensive tone from entering my voice. "I didn't mean to. I know these are apologetic words that have been offered to the air a billion times ten in just that many lifetimes to excuse lust and war. But today they belong to me and I've brought you to my world where I feel at ease. Lately this has been the only place that I feel good. I wanted to tell you that this lie is not my habit; you are. You were my friend for so long that when I tried you on as a lover it felt like a soft comfy t-shirt. But you tricked me with high-end lies and cashmere whispers in the dark. I was wealthier before I crawled into you; you've made my soul poor now. I hate you just a little, and love you more than life."

I snatched the word "hope" from the air and popped it into my dry mouth. Instantly it burst, filling me with honey-sweetness. I sighed contentedly and gazed across the table to where my passion floated lightly.

"I didn't plan to say anything about her at all. I met her, and we talked. Talked a lot. Talked so much that my mind went to sleep and I was off guard. I was lonely; I missed YOU. I let her kiss me; I tasted her. It was cigarettes and beer and I tasted the flavor of someone else there just like the magic that I have licked off your lips so many nights. So I closed my eyes and let myself pretend just a moment. I pretended that I was the icy cold drink that you had just let quench your thirst. I pretended that I was the silky grey smoke that flows down your throat and blossoms into silver flowers in your lungs. I pretended to be these pleasures of yours, because pleasure is what defines you. But I couldn't pretend to be the flavor of the one who owns you. That memory burned me, and I cast it away from myself. So she wasn't you; I couldn't force her into your shadow. I got angry, and I bit her mouth. I guess she was damaged like me, and needed the abuse because she growled in my mind and pushed deeper into me. I allowed this thing to continue into another until I realized that I'll never have you again- that I needed to swim past this need. I was bored letting her touch me. Bored and dry and hollow. I pushed her away and left.

When we spoke on the phone you sounded as bored as I had felt with her. I suppose I craved a reaction, some response that would justify the ache you've created in me. Your indifference has always cut me more than your incurable sadness. They both hurt though, because nothing I say or do can heal you. My wants, my needs, they represent nothing more to you then another drain on your soul."

Finally my regret gazed across the table at me. I began to drown in the aqua-blue orbs that met my own grassy green ones. But I quickly pulled myself onto the edge of the pool. The rough edges of my emotions scraped me until I bled, and somewhere deep inside myself I cried out for tenderness. But I was alright. I was alright in that moment, and knew that even without her I was going to live.

"I never intended to mention her, but I couldn't seem to stop the lie from falling into the phone. I don't believe that you can absorb the magnitude of my wishes one way or another, but I needed to confess that I had lied so that I could offer myself absolution. I'm okay though, and I'm sorry that you're not. But I'm okay now."

With that I reached out, scissored my fingers, and cut the ribbon from my friend’s arm. I watched her drift off, waving like a pageant queen in a parade car. I smiled at her image, and sat back to savor my coffee and think my thoughts.

the end