Edge of life and death

I open my eyes once more, only to find the same dull ceiling of the same dull bedroom. Another day has passed. Yet another day awaits the apathetic me. Well, not really. I just lied. No one, and nothing, awaits me. And I stopped feeling apathetic a long time ago. Now, rage and sadness fight for their control over me.

I perform the same routine as always. I get up, raise the blinds, make my bed, brush my teeth and return to my bedroom to sit in my chair, as I've been doing for a month and a half (more like an eternity and a half). I check my phone, and see I've received some Whatsapp messages. I'm certainly not excited nor curious about that. Why would I be? After all, I know what it's written.

One of them will be like this: Oh hey, we haven't talked in a long time, but could you send me the notes you took in D's class? Sorry about the trouble

The next will probably read: Do you want to go out tomorrow night? Actually, this is a mildly interesting one, as it doesn't matter if I answer Sure, let's go, say I can't, sorry or just leave it unanswered, the next message will be: Sorry, in the end I can't go. I have to go to a party/date/whatever the hell is more important than you/etc

Of course, the third one will be: Hey, can we talk? I'm not doing alright and I need a friend to talk to

A few of them will be like the first one: Do you have X/Y/Z/...? Could you lend/send it to me?

I read all of them, answer a few without much thought and leave the rest unanswered. I don't really care.


I'm an idiot. It's the only thing I know for sure in my life. I've always been good to all the people I know; it's in my nature, after all. I can't help it. I listen to them if they need it, help them when they are in trouble, go out with them even if I don't feel like it just so they don't feel let down... I completely disregard my own health and well-being to help a friend. I mean, why wouldn't I? My motto is "Friends first". Or that's what I thought. I am fed up with everything. They all are all take and no give. Seems they only talk to me when I can be of use. The rest of the time, it doesn't matter if I'm about to commit suicide due to my own troubles, if I feel like screaming and crying due to stress and sadness... No one has the time to listen to my problems. I am everyone's emotional support, but have no emotional support of my own. Well, this ends today. No more. It's about time I was selfish. Just this once.


It's already nightfall. No one is home. It's better that way. Saves a lot of trouble. I go to where the family stores the pills for whatever illness they might have, grab a few boxes whose names I recognize and grab a whiskey bottle from a nearby minibar, then I go back to my room. I open the boxes and grab a few pills from each, then put them on my desk. Just as I'm about to pour a glass of whiskey, I heard the unmistakable sound of a Whatsapp message. I leave the bottle and read it. It's from A.

Hi, J. I'm sorry to bother you at this time, but could you tell me when was the day we had scheduled for G' s special class?

Another message like the first one. I consider ignoring it, but A had been a good person, so I answer and leave the phone. Before I can grab the glass again, however, I hear that beeping a second time.

By the way, how are you? It's been a loooong while since we've talked

I'm taken aback. Someone has just asked that to me. For real. I pinch my cheek to make sure I'm not sleeping. Seems I'm not, so the message is real. But it's too late.

I'm fine

That's all I'm saying. Why bother? In a few hours I'll be dead, and no one will really care. I finish pouring the glass. Beeping again. Another message. From A. Again

Are you really?

A had always been the kind to double-check everything. But there's no turning back now.

Yeah, really

I look at the glass full of alcohol. Why am I doubting now? It's too late. If this had been a month ago... No. There's no use in crying over the spilled milk. Just put those pills in your mouth, drink the whiskey and let's get this fucking life over with, I say to myself.

Wait. Beeping. Again.

Well, if you say so. Just... well, you know you can talk to me about whatever you want whenever you want

That's it. I break down and start crying. I don't want to die. I really don't. I just want somebody to whom I can talk when I'm down. I don't think it's a lot to ask for.

I'm not fine. Not at all

Do you want to talk about it?

Yes