A LETTER TO THE CITIZENS OF PLANET EARTH

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CITIZENS OF PLANET EARTH

Hello, Earth.

Much like my hero and idol, the late, great Adolph Hitler, I’m trying to become the omniscient, ultimate, supreme, and absolute ruler of this planet (I didn’t say that). But I need your help. I am seriously in need of votes, because as it stands right now, I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of acquiring this position since everybody seems to be against me (That’s not what I meant). In fact, the whole world is laughing at me! Why are you laughing at me? Stop it! I destroyed Hillary Clinton in those last two debates, so stop laughing at me!

Anyway, I need everyone in this alternate reality and all the other alternate realities in this universe to vote for me.

Three or four times, if you could, because this system is rigged! Rigged, I say! And the only way to ‘unrig’ it is for ME to rerig it so I win!

Yes, I realize the Republican Party is quickly crumbling to dust hour by hour and will soon be completely blown away by the winds of time (by the way, I didn’t have anything to do with that), but that’s why I need your vote even more!

I have never done or said anything wrong (I’m as innocent as a newborn baby and more honest than honest Abe Inkin), no matter how much proof and concrete evidence there is that says otherwise. I don’t remember ever lying to anybody or insulting anybody because of their race, sex, disability, religion, skin color, media affiliation (CNN and MSNBC in particular), the size of their breasts and/or how fat they are, or what political party they belong to (both Democrat AND Republican). And my tax returns are none of your business, so don’t even ask (I didn’t say that).

So please vote for me on November 28th! After all, what the hell do you have to lose?

What? It’s not November 28th? Oh. Ok.

So please vote for me on November 8th!

I’m *sniff* Donald J. *sniff* Trump, and I *sniff* approve this message.

*SNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFF*



(The references to ‘honest Abe Inkin’ and the election being held on November 28th are actual words uttered by Trump at his rallies on October 11th!)