Parental guidance

         I find myself wondering what we learn from the adventure called parenthood whether we be a child or an adult who has suffered the joys and pains that attend surviving as a child what took place during a growing up kind of jungle. I have been that parent and have surely known what it means to feel the full effects of having been parented. So what do I make of it?
         As a youngster, I was a very introspective tyke, who would rather stay away from conflict than risk the consequence. From early on I found myself trying to be in the background and at the same time provide what was needed to feel like I was somehow keeping family together even if I did not know how I was doing it.

         I had a dad that did not have a father after the age of twelve. It was as if he was cornered and had to make mom happy and there I was the secret weapon that spoke for two people about what being in relationship was all about. Dad spoke to me and so did mom. I was always feeling like an outsider. I was the one who was supposed to understand each of them even more than they could understand each other. Yes I could convince them that I could take their side. At the same time I knew better than to take a side. After all it might mean sure destruction in the form of yelling or getting whipped.

         So I persevered. I recall dad wondering if there was anyone stupider than me. I know now he was probably talking about himself. He was really down on himself. He was working in a factory long hours. His brother had a job making lots of money as an electrical engineer. I took his words to heart and his impatience as well. Maybe I was stupid and yet in the back of my mind maybe stupid was not the worst thing that could happen to anyone person. He loved me even if he did not say it at least the memory of him saying it was not there. He worked long hours and when I needed him to be there in hospitals and other hurting places he was there. He rescued me from being lost. I was parented and remember he did the best with what he had and that is enough