Alfresco Dick: An Auteur for the Ages

Alfresco Dick: An Auteur for the Ages

An Essay on Cinema by Kenneth Lingus

All artists, filmmakers in particular, tend to break off into two categories. In the first category, we have the traditionalists. These are the people who stick to convention, who encourage the formula, who restrict originality. But, for every greasy grind who works for hire, we have a revolutionary. A game-changer. A rule-breaker. These are the people who take the conventions and twist them so much that something new and exciting comes as a result. This is where we find a Godard, a Fellini, a Cassavettes. And there has been one area of film that does this on a regular basis. PORNOS Erotica.

Now before I go any further, I would assume many would accuse me of viewing these so-called "porno flicks". You must realize, I would never think of viewing such a thing, much less doing it. Rather, I partake in the enjoyment of erotic cinema. With erotic cinema, the director allows the viewer to escape into a world different from their own, filled to the brim with more pleasure, more sensuality, and (depending on the viewer) more Third Reich. So who needs the real world when you've got Nazi sex? But when watching these films, I could tell that there was genuine artistry and craftsmanship being put into them. And when outside forces, like critics or cinephilles or my mom would query "How?" I'd confidently retort "...I'll get back to you on that one."

But I did, and I've found many wonderful films and equally wonderful filmmakers. I could easily rattle off many directors whose work I admire, like Martin Scoresmany, Alfred Thickcock, or the always delightful Coen-Brothers-Who-Suck-A-Lot-of-Dick. However, they're the filmmakers who everybody knows and loves. In my search for an auteur of erotica, I've happened to come across an artist whose work is in desperate need of a critical revaluation. His name? Alfresco Dick.

Born Alfresco Richards to Diane and Jason, Mr. Dick was raised in the strangely appropriate town of Dick Peaks, Antarctica on November 4, 1973, just off the shores of Coincidence Way. Coming from a family of film-buffs, young Alfresco was raised on a healthy diet of Chaplin, Truffaut and Ozu. But his life was truly changed forever when his parents came home from the video store with a copy of Orson Welles' Citizen Kane. Due to a minor misunderstanding on the establishment's part, they had actually brought home a copy of the film's unofficial remake, Citizen Kame. Unfortunately for them, they had a rather awkward evening ahead of them. But fortunately for Alfresco, he now knew what he wanted to do when he grew up.

After years of studying films and making amateur works, Mr. Dick splashed onto the scene with his critically-acclaimed debut, Big Titty Lesbo Whores # 7 (1997), based on the novella of the same name. Word of mouth ensued and he soon began an illustrious career as a writer, director and producer in the industry, the Pornographer's Pornographer, if you will. Whereas other filmmakers' works are riddled with clichand formula, Mr. Dick is one of the few film artists to ask the really important questions, such as, "Is sex with a horse as awesome as it sounds?" (The answer is YES). Throughout his entire oeuvre, he's cast a mirror to humanity, showing us, with wit and honesty, our flaws, our foibles and our desires to watch sexy-looking horses.

1. Pokeshlong! (1999)

"Got to Catch Their Balls!"

2. Magnum Cum Load (2001)

"To the graduating class of 2001, I have this to say...sit on my face and take my breath away!

3. Haywail: The Story of Tiny Tom and the Horse's Boner (2002)

"Whisper sweet nothings in my ear, Joseph. "NEIIIIGH!"

4. Weather Channel: The XXX Parody (2002)

"Looks like it's going to be partly cloudy with a slight chance of my balls in your mouth! Back to you, Jan!"

5. The OTHER Watergate Scandal (2006)

"My friend, you had me at Sexy Nixon!"

6. Star Whores V: The Empire Sucks Back (2009)

"Wait, I made out with who?!!!!"

7. Oedipus Sex (2010)

"Kid-tested, mother-approved!"

8. The Legend of Pussiden (2012)

"I'm wet no matter what!"

9. The People Who Fuck Each Other A Whole Bunch 2: The Fuckening (2014)

"What the hell did you really expect?"

And, his undisputed masterpiece...

10. Schindler's Fist (2015)

"Is it just me, or is there something about Hitler that just makes you wanna fuck him?"