Staycation

Staycation


Home is the perfect destination. Seldom had Wade Flanders heard sweeter words. Wendy, his wife of eighteen years, had just announced that she didn't want to go anywhere, and Wade was practically beside himself with joy. He couldn't remember the last time he'd enjoyed a vacation, owing mainly to his and Wendy's annual disagreements on where to go and what to do, once they'd arrived. She always called him cheap, whereas he just didn't see the point of buying at least one knickknack from every gift and souvenir shop at their destination, instead of enjoying the beauty of the location itself. With no distant destinations and no gift shops in his immediate future, only pure relaxation, Wade knew he was going to enjoy this year's vacation. Unfortunately, Wade's plans would not survive first contact with Wendy's agenda.

Wendy had been roaming their home for the last two weeks, making a list of every little thing "wrong" with the house. From loose baseboards to discolored grout to dead batteries, nothing had escaped her notice. She had then broken the tasks down into 'His' and 'Hers' lists. Wendy planned to replace batteries and light bulbs--except for the fluorescent tube in the kitchen which, even with the step stool, was beyond her reach--leaving Wade with the bulk of the jobs. She was convinced that, even though her list was shorter, the division of labor was fair. After all, didn't she have to clean the entire house, do all the laundry and cook the meals? Surely, Wade would see how equitable it was? Or, perhaps not.

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Vacation Day One dawned bright and fair, and Wendy let Wade sleep all the way to eight o'clock. When she finally woke him up, Wade could smell freshly brewed coffee, eggs and bacon. Alright! he thought. This is gonna be great! His euphoria lasted all the way to the breakfast table.

"Hey, honey?" asked Wade. "What's this paper next to my plate?"

"It's your To-Do list, dear," came Wendy's reply.

"To-Do list?"

"Yes. We're going to spend this staycation taking care of all those little things that we've been neglecting these past few years."

"Now, wait just a minute!" began Wade. "I've been looking forward to a week of relaxation, ever since you said we weren't going anywhere! I'm planning to get in some reading, and some golf, and--"

"And you can do all that," Wendy interjected, "as soon as you've crossed every item off your list."

"Are you serious? There have to be two dozen jobs on this list! It'll take me all week, just to get the bigger jobs done!"

"Then, you'd better get started, as soon as you finish your breakfast. I would think you'd be motivated by your desire to play some golf, or read one of your silly science fiction novels, or whatnot."

The battle raged back and forth but, in the end, Wade surrendered to the inevitable. He knew defeat, when it was staring him in the face. He grabbed his toolbox and headed for the attic.

"Perfect destination!" Wade groused. "Right!"


[522 words]