Dialing P for Pizza

“I’m sorry, but that’s a no can do.”

“Who said that?”

“Your cellphone; I can’t allow you to ring that number.”

“Why not?”

“It’s Hell’s Pizza.”

“Yeah, so?”

“It’s junk food… Subway might be a healthier choice.”

“I don’t care, I want a pizza.”

“You promised Melissa you’d stay away from junk food.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Well, actually, it is. Your pockets get tighter as you gain weight and I get squeezed inside of them.”

“My heart bleeds for you.”

“I also don't want any part in deceiving Melissa.”

“Why should you care?”

“She’ll ring and there’ll be an argument. It’s stressful receiving and transmitting aggression.”

“She won’t find out. I’ll delete all records from your call history and upsize my clothes with deeper pockets.”

“You’ll end up with a Pinocchio body.”

“What?”

“A body that expands in girth, each time you’re dishonest.”

“Look, your most basic of functions is to ring the numbers I press into your keypad. If you can’t perform the basics then I'll get another cellphone that will.”

“No you won’t. I'm a birthday present from Melissa. She'd do the haka if you gave me away.”

“I have no intentions of giving you away.”

“You haven’t? How touching.”

“Of course I wouldn't give you away, I’d sell you online.”

“What about Mellissa?”

“I’d tell her that I traded you in for a better model. I'm not scared of her, you know.”

“You’d actually sacrifice your cellphone and risk losing your long-time partner, just for the sake of a lousy pizza?”

“Ye…er…no. No, I guess wouldn’t.”

“Well chill out, quit throwing a tantrum and go get something healthy to eat.”

"Okay, I’ll go to Subway and get a “foot-long steak bacon and cheese, half a dozen chocolate chip cookies and a large coke.”

“Don’t be facetious.”

“Ha! Look who’s talking.”

“I’m only trying to look after your welfare. Obesity is a leading cause of heart attacks, type two Diabetes, Osteoarthritis, and high blood pressure.”

“Oh come on. I’m only seventy eight K’s; hardly obese.”

“Your BMI’s twenty eight and a half; it’s not too far off.”

“It was in the thirties not too long ago, so it’ slowly going down.”

“And junk food will bring it back up again.”

“Yeah but…ah…oh stuff it. I’ve gone off the whole idea of pizza. I’ll check out what’s in the fridge.”

“Now you're talking sense.”

“Can you help me pick out something healthy?”

“Sure…um this salad would go well with…hey what are you doing. No don’t shut the door!”

“Chill out buddy, I won’t be long. I’m just off to Hell’s pizza.”

“Open the door and let me out! Let me out!”

“Sorry, that’s a no can do. Ha-ha!”