Samantha Carpenter - So Ends the World

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year for reasons that are, I suppose, deeply romantic. I think of the way houses and buildings are lit and decorated. In my head I can hear the carolers as they roam up and down the streets. There’s the soft beds of snow that cover the streets, the fires that are lit in homes. I think of the families sitting together on Christmas Eve as they exchange gifts and that amazing feeling you get when you wake up on Christmas morning.

There are the presents of course and I’ve always liked them but I think it’s the feeling of knowing that there are people, your friends or family or whoever, that are looking out for you more than the actual presents. That there are people out there who care. As corny as it is, there’s also something poetic about the coldest time of year giving you the warmest feelings. The traditions and the feelings of togetherness that they bring. Everyone is together, everything just feels so right and you never want it to end.

That’s why this Christmas is off to a rotten start.

“I’m going to a school in California!” Amber had said with excitement as she’d bounded up to us that afternoon after school had let out for Christmas break.

Monica, Penny and Ashley were just as excited as her, just as happy. But all I could do was stare. I was totally dumbstruck. Amber was… going away? But why? “What do you mean?” I asked almost in desperation. “I didn’t even know you’d been applying.”

“Ah, well, I really hadn’t been. But this school... I guess something about my swimming caught them because suddenly they’re getting in touch with me and wanting to offer me a scholarship and everything,” she said with still more excitement. “It’s not official official or anything because I’m not getting the acceptance letter until April but I just talked to them right after school let out and it’s totally official!”

“Amber, that’s awesome!” exclaimed Penny. I watched her lean over and hug Amber. Ashley and Monica followed. I did too because Amber is my friend, one of my best friends even, but I wasn’t really sure how to take it.

Amber puts in a lot of work for the Eastman swim team and from what Monica and the others have said she’s one of the best over there. And she’s just so sweet with the sunniest disposition of anyone I’ve ever met. Actually, that attitude is the reason we even met. I can always see it clear as day as it’s one of the memories that I hold the closest to my heart. Monica had been picking on me the way she always did; we did not get along back then and first grade Monica really lived up to her last name. So she’s doing it, making these dumb little comments and really getting under my skin. They were the kind of insults you’d expect from a six-year-old.

All this stuff about how I should play with the boys because my name’s Sam and Sam’s obviously a boy’s name which means I’m a boy too. That my hair looked like hay. All of this really dumb stuff that I can’t really believe got to me but when you’re six it’s enough to make you want to cry. I know for a fact that I was at least at the sniffling stage by the time Amber came over.

Maybe it was because she was new but where everyone else steered clear of Monica, Amber walked right up to her. And she didn’t even miss a beat, she just told Monica that was mean and she shouldn’t be saying things like that. Monica tried to talk back and make Amber cry but she couldn’t do it and stomped off. Then Amber, with her bright smile, said hi to me and asked if I wanted to play; I was just so wowed by her. For a week after that Monica would try to pick on the both of us but Amber’s attitude would never change, nothing Monica did could get to her.

Then it stopped getting to me and she never got as much as a sniff out of me.

Monica stopped bothering us after that and it might have been a month where we didn’t have any real contact with her. Then we had to get into groups for some kind of art assignment. Monica didn’t have a group and Amber just invited her over like it was nothing. She was being so nice to someone who had been trying to be so mean to her and I guess something about that clicked with Monica because once it was done she gave us a sheepish apology. Then she started to hang out with us.

That’s Amber Duckett. She saved me from a bully, she made the bully my friend. She could probably bring peace to the world. But more important than global utopia, she’s my sister. Whenever I felt overwhelmed she’d be there to offer a smile and a hug. Whenever I was unsure of something she’d be there to offer positive words. When I was fretting over my decision to choose the basketball team over the track team because I didn’t feel like I could compete with Catherine Muskov, she was right there in my room reassuring me about my choice.

Even when it felt like I hadn’t and I was seriously considering quitting the basketball team because they were getting dragged into that dumb feud between Anita Nuevo and Hannah Westrick from the soccer team, Amber was the one most solidly behind me riding it out. There wasn’t room for me on the track team and I’d beat myself up over it. Sure enough, that drama just kind of dissipated and it was like a spell hanging over both teams had been broken. When I told Kristy how bad it had gotten for me she had hugged me and apologized and felt so bad that she hadn’t noticed. I was just glad to have my friend back and without Amber’s reassurance I don’t think it would’ve happened.

Amber’s always been there for me, like a living security blanket and if I hadn’t been able to wrap myself up in her positivity I would’ve made some bad decisions, I’m sure of it. But now that was going away because… what? Because of California? And I hate this about myself, I really do. I should be ecstatic for Amber. To be recognized for her talent and for all the hard work she’s put in is incredible. If anyone should succeed it should be her. She’s given so much to me, to everyone, with her kindness that it’s about time the universe gives a little bit of it back to her.

But I can’t feel happy, not in the way that I should anyway. Because I know that this means she’s going to go away. I know that this means the group will start going in their own directions. We’ve been together for so long, had so much fun together. We’ve cried together and shared so much of of ourselves with one another. The thoughts we keep locked in the back of our minds, the feelings that exist in the deepest part of our hearts. The things that we would never reveal to anyone else and that we may have trouble revealing even to ourselves. But that’s all over now.

Melodramatic? Certainly but in my position I feel as if a little melodrama is justified. I’m such a conservative person by nature. Change and I don’t really mix well together. The old, the familiar, these are the things that I always find comfort in. Familiarity breeds contentment, I guess, but it’s not hard to see why. Things change and when you’re a kid, when you’re a teenager they change rapidly. One minute boys are icky, then they’re not. Your big sister is hitting puberty and you’re admiring how grown up she looks, then it’s happening to you and you’re hating every second of it.

The rush from elementary school through middle school and into high school. The ever-changing cliques and social rankings. Watching your sister leave high school just as you get in, watching her move away. Realizing that in only a few years that’s going to be your own fate. Is it any wonder why so many teenagers are completely irrational or completely boneheaded? The world moves so fast, change comes at a thousand miles an hour and you don’t really know how to handle it.

But I had Amber, and I had Monica and the Strickers. Even going to different schools it’s not like Saratoga Falls is that big and we all lived in the same neighborhood. No matter how much everything might change I had them. They would always be there for me. Except… they’re not. Not anymore. This is it, I realize. This is reality. One more semester; that’s all I have. One more semester until graduation.

One more semester until the end of the world.

But I tried to carry on through this depressing realization. The four of us laughed and talked about plans for tomorrow and for after Christmas and what we were doing on New Year’s before agreeing to go to Catherine’s because, shock of all shocks, she was throwing a giant party on New Year’s Eve. I’m not necessarily a partier but I guess there is something comforting about the reliability of one thrown by Catherine Muskov. The world could go up in nuclear fire and I’m pretty sure Catherine would find a way to throw party.

However my heart just wasn’t in it so after a point I feigned being tired and then took off to my house. I wasn’t really sure what to do except let my own thoughts run wild. But a knock on the door brought back to reality and I could hear Monica’s voice on the other side. I told her to come in, she closed the door and sat beside on my bed.

“That was fast,” I said to her with no hint of enthusiasm.

“It’s been forty-five minutes,” she replied. “Everyone’s got stuff to do to get ready for next week. Amber’s doing some last minute shopping with her mom and I think Ashley and Penny have their grandparents coming in from… Vermont, I want to say?”

“What about you?”

“Same thing we’ve been doing for the last few years: Grampa’s coming over from Sunset Hills, we’ll go see Nana in the afternoon, mass at St. Mary’s.” I could feel her looking at me. “Worry about you,” she added. “You alright?”

“Yeah, of course,” I answered but I only had to look at her to know it was pointless.

Monica’s facial expressions are always subtle but having known her as long as I have, I’ve realized that just the way she squints slightly or the small ways in which the corners of her mouth curl can tell me more than anything more animated could. She could say a lot without saying nothing. The look on her face told me everything.

“I’m not alright,” I tell her while looking awkwardly towards the floor. “It’s just…. it’s dumb.”

“It’s about Amber.”

“Yeah,” I say with a nod, “and I just feel so… ashamed, I guess. She deserves it and I’m happy for her but at the same time--”

“You feel betrayed.”

I look at her, shocked. “That’s ridiculous!” I reply sharply. “Why would I feel betrayed? It’s not like she’s under any obligation to stay here or make sure that we all go to the same school or something.”

“Well duh, but still I know you. I was feeling anxious myself when she told us because, I mean, she’s moving away. If I’m feeling like that I can only imagine how you’re feeling.”

“I’m feeling awful!” I cry out. “And I feel like I’m being selfish, too. I just… I want everything to stay like it is; like it’s been. I should be feeling happy for her… but I can’t! I just feel uneasy which makes me feel ashamed.”

I could feel Monica put an arm around and I could feel her free hand clasp my arm. She didn’t say anything; she didn’t need to. Like I said, Monica can communicate more with a subtle facial expression or a simple movement than most people can with words. She didn’t need them for me to get what she was saying.

You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. It’s natural to feel this way about something like this; it’s complicated. I wish it could last forever too but it can’t.

“The school year’s not over,” she finally says. “We’ve still got time.”

Yeah, there’s still time. One more semester, in fact. One more semester until graduation.

One more semester until the end of the world.

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