The Devil has gone AWOL

You think you’ve seen the Devil, but you were wrong, and he looks nothing like the images that the illustrations depict. First of all, he doesn’t have, and never had pitch fork, just as his second cousin twice removed, Death doesn’t actually own a scythe. Secondly, he is not red and is instead yellow with purple poker dots. As for his tail, well that got burnt off decades ago one, it’s a sort of long story which he would rather not let anyone know about.

If by chance you have seen such a creature then the DHA (department of Hades Affairs) would be interested in your encounter. You see the Big B, aka Beelzebub, Lucifer, Satan and The Prince of Darkness etc. has gone AWOL. Hard as it may be for anyone to believe but he’s flown the coop in search of his one true love.

Yes you heard me right, love. None of us saw it coming; I mean, he’s not the sort one would normally associate with such an emotion, but apparently he has a significant other. Actually the DHA has suspected this for some time now, but kept it a closely guarded secret. Especially from his devoted minions, whom he no doubt assumed would lose respect for him, if he allowed his weakness to be made public.

His army of bogymen, stepping-wolves and assorted demons are presently on a secret mission to find the Devil, and attempt to convince him to return before someone else claims the demonic throne. It is quite literally a “Devil you know” affair. Who knows what latte-drinking, yuppie-nerd may take over the show, and start implementing his or her P.C. outside-of-the-box, lateral thinking and turn this den of iniquity into one of those trendy second chance rehabilitation centres. And don’t think they won’t.

Already this year the DEM-OSH- department (demon Occupational health and safety)- has been sticking their limp-wristed-cellophane-wrapping- legislations regarding the special heat-resistant guards and no-go zones that bar anyone from getting within a bulls roar of the flames. We have also had to implement hazard management standards. All hazards are to be recorded and discussed at a weekly team brief cum health and safety meetings. And as paperwork…don’t get me started. They say it’s all part of the “After-Existence Hosting with Excellence Accreditation” can-do process.

In the beginning there was nothing, so it is written, but even before that was what the Big B. often refers to as “the good old days”. It was the time before “before” when even nothing was still in its early stages of existence, and a society calling itself the Imposzebletiappenians. Most of them worked in the Idotinkzo factories producing an invisible substance called Polyproprematteryte Adhesive, which binds particles of nothing, similar to collagen. I won’t baffle you with the process, suffice to say we really owe it all to the Imposzebletiappenians, and their Polyproprematteryte-Adhesive expertise.

Of course when existence came into being the need for the Idotinkzo Factories declined and trillions of loyal labourers, who had devoted their lives to producing Polyproprematteryte were, for the want of a better phrase, ”made redundant” and Lucifer, who was at the time a factory foreman lost his position. Popular opinion hints that his loss of authority motivated the defiance and rebelliousness, and made him feel such distain for everything that came into existence. Gathering like-minded rebels he fought against the Angel Constructionists and lost.

Anyway, to make a very long story short, he was banished to an Imposzebletiappenia wasteland called Hades, to serve out his incarceration until he had collected a certain amount of souls. Now it may surprise you to know that the first soul he ever collected was that of a nefarious woman by the name of Vizzstupeenia; who was the forbidden love child of two rebellious teenagers; some seven generations on from Adam and Eve.

Being a confirmed bachelor, and far from the nagging influence of his mother, Satan let Hades go to the pack. None of the fires had been lit, the guest houses were filthy, and his torcher chamber somewhat lacking, but with Vizzstupeenia’s help he got the complex tidied up and functioning. However during that time he started finding himself falling in love with her. The just could not bring himself to condemn such a pleasant and trusting companion who reminded him so much of the mother he missed so much, to an eternity of agony and set her free.

Where she went is a mystery, and has been eating away at the Big B. for centuries. The Hell Shrink thinks that the malevolence and nefarious antics are just a façade for his inner turmoil. It was just a matter of time before temptation got the better of him and motivated his expediential exodus from Hades.

So, if you do happen to see the devil ring;

09743 HADES (41317) DHLAWOL (3451967)

Leave a message after the tolling of the bells.