Grocery Day

Tuesday afternoon was my first effort at grocery shopping since Corona Crisis 2020 went full bloom, and I thought I’d write a review of my adventure. First, picking a shopping cart was a lot like playing Russian roulette. “Which one of these doesn’t have the COVID virus all over it? I’m 60 years old I can’t afford to make the wrong choice.” Finally, I picked the one with the least amount of stains on it. Luckily the sanitizer container at the entrance was full, so I wiped the hell out of that thing. Upon entering the store I noticed the Dunkin’ Donuts had a sign stating they are ‘Closed until further notice’. Apparently even the cops have it bad.

I immediately headed for the toilet paper aisle (I didn’t need any but it just seemed like the thing to do) As I approached I noticed the lighting was rather dim and flashing erratically like it was shorting out. A lone wolf howled in the distance, I think it was aisle 6. Thunder rolled, lightning cracked and a pterodactyl flew overhead. I could see that the entire aisle was empty except for a case of no-name brand paper towels. A couple came around the corner and ran at them like it was the only case on earth and then stopped short “Oh it’s just paper towels” they groaned. “What?” I thought, “That’s as good as toilet paper, just think of it as 15-ply.”

As I moved on to the grocery area, I could see (even in the dim lighting) that the TP wasn’t the only aisle that was empty. There was barely anything on any of the shelves in any of the aisles! Anyone that knows me knows I need my tuna for my work week. I froze when I saw there was none. “No, not the tuna!!” I looked up and down at the few remnants that were left on the shelves, not an albacore to be found! Then I spotted it. Way up high on the top shelf was a three-pack of 3 oz cans! I quickly grabbed it and smiled. Apparently nobody had seen it up there. It pays to be 5’ 7”!

Just as I was leaving the tuna aisle a zombie came around the corner and almost crashed into my cart. It had dark circles under its eyes that were shifting from side to side, its whole body twitching and was muttering incoherently as it dragged itself by. When I cleared the aisle and entered the next I saw more of them, they looked horrible! Just when I realized these were associates caught in the unending toil of trying to keep stock on the shelves a shot rang out, a couple more than return fire. That stopped me in my tracks. I looked at one of the zombies and it stopped twitching long enough to speak “You get used to it” it said. “Happens all the time lately” the other zombies laughed and laughed.

At this point, I am thinking I gotta get out of here, so I quickly gathered what little I could from what was available, then self check-out and headed for the exit! As I am leaving I hear someone back inside moan “It’s too late for me, save yourself!” Then over the intercom, “Clean-up on aisle 6.” I KNEW that’s where the wolf was!

In re-reading this report it seems like what happened here is what often happens in Hollywood with movies based in fact- a bit of drama & exaggeration added for effect. Well, at least there was no side love interest thrown in (another Hollywood ploy) although a couple of the zombies seemed to make googly eyes at each other.