If You Do

If you decide I'm not enough and all too much at once don't run into another's arms thinking you'll feel warmth again.
You felt that warmth just fine before you decided to stop dusting off your trophy.
You felt that warmth just fine when it's just the two of us.
You can't expect honey when in public we might as well be strangers.
I'm good enough until there's a chance someone else might me.
Even for just a smile from a total stranger you'll destroy the 35 years of self esteem I scratched my way to build.
I knew when I got here I was only here to fill a void.
Not a home.
Not a family.Not a fucking thing.
I ponder and plot for hours on ways to hurt you back so I can fill my own void.
I can't. I don't know how to be vengeful.
I know how to feel guilty and that's half of why I'm still here.
I'd give anything to have a vice. One that wasn't you.
No drugs,no booze,no sex.
Maybe that's why you don't love me.
I'm too boreing. I take care of myself.
I spent too long trying to destroy a monster that was never even there.          
I am NOT the monster but I sure do find them.
Never under my bed.
Always in it.
You're a beauty on your own but in a pair it's nothing short of terrible.
You need the lights.
You need the attention.
You need the costumes to play who you really are.
A Clown.
A Beast.
A man of despair,
Who doesn't even need fixing he just wants to touch your fucking hair.