Masquerade

I learned to fake life when I was living on the streets. I learned to mask my emotions; the pain, the confusion, the struggle for survival; all my fears. I learned to hide behind my own shadow and project a false image to the public. My existence meant nothing to me - it was nothing to anybody... just another broken piece of my soul to crush into the ground. I pretended that others comments, actions, judgement and stares did not affect me. I hid behind a shield to protect my pride... my shame... I hid beneath a drug-induced state of consciousness. My heart so heavy with the burden of carrying all the anguish, pain, terror, anger and hate for a life full of deception, sickness, and trauma. I learned to pretend so well... and I continue to pretend today. I still carry emotions I have yet to realize. I still hide behind my shadow... still fear the judgement of others. I no longer hide behind my lady of death; my lady heroin.... she no longer protects me from the pain inside. She no longer numbs my heart and my mind. I miss her for that... now I am left so vulnerable to the thoughts I have cut off from the past. So helpless to the ravages in my mind. I will never forget that sweet soothing melody she would play to keep me lost amidst my own fantasies. Now that she is gone, how do I face this reality; this cruel and unfair reality? How do I live in the world without fear? There is so much of this life I have yet to learn, love, experience, and explore... I have only just begun to be true and to seek the truth...