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The pieces of ourselves that we hide |
He sleeps while I contemplate In the other room I rake Take stock of my value I twist the lid on the jar I pick at my face Stare at my toes Roll my head back and sigh Why I am the way I am and why this is all I can do to get by The jar explodes without an ask It rolls out a hazy ooze It bubbles up a burp Like an sickened eye that bursts and coats the room I see you there my old friend You come and go when you please Sometimes you’re beckoned with a memory And other times you leap out, summoned like a breeze Yes, I see the mirror Well, the thing in it anyhow The sludge consumes the room in the background Unnoticed while it turns into a cloud Secrets, secrets Mutter that Say the words aloud Chant with me “I want to be” but remember you won’t be found The jar falls down onto the floor I hardly know it’s there A dull echo crowns the room But all I do is stare Is all I am inside this room? Am I truly alone? Doomed to face this ugly thing Whenever it might choose? The goo is gone but the smell remains Fermented sweet and sour A tickle of pink, a breath of blue But black kisses rule the hour Remember me? The younger me “Maybe one day I will laugh” Brush it off and move along like I’m walking past a crash I was free that day but I thought wrong Life is just a choke Up my throat my heart pours out They flush it and I leave alone I bought into shiny things That I could never hope to have Crammed that down into the jar And brewed for years before I got mad Shame on me I should have known Who cares if it’s the past? Right now it’s eating me like the ooze that’s turned to gas Remember this, remember that? Remember why you’re here You crammed that shit down in this jar Now you live in fear Fear the world Fear my friends Fear the loves I’ve had Fear the future and the past, as well as my own head Fear is all I live and breathe Stop it now, stop it please! The gas consumes me like a need I wrestle with the desire to be free Freedom doesn’t fit in a jar It’s like the echo you didn’t hear The only hope you have is me Relive the moments I hold dear The mirror clears and I see again But who the fuck is she? An hour passed that felt like death Suddenly, I am me I heard him stir and mumble I look back at my toes They could be worse for wear But they’re still long, ugly, and gross The covers hush and I wipe my face Something rolls across the floor I look down and see the jar It’s full without a cork No ooze, no gas Just a picture of myself Crumpled up and shoved inside With the whispers from my hell I make the lid out of a sorry song And twist it on real tight Hide the jar inside myself I smile and turn off the light |