Don't compel me to fall in love again

"Lets make love together and go beyond"- he says to me almost everytime we have any conversation. I have been rejecting his proposal for a really long time now, though I find him my perfect match, but the kind of match not supposed to stay lifelong. Knowing this how can I love him with all my heart and make love to him. Is living only in present sufficient? I can live to the fullest for now, but tomorrow when it turns as my past, I dont wanna be afraid to visit the memories I ever had with him. I wanna cherish them forever but a single decision taken now can ruin it, probably ending in hatred forever. Well, I already have a long list of people I hate. So, let me not add one more!

He then calls me coward, am I so? Isn't there anyone not afraid to fall in love again, if they had been hit really hard in the past. The past, where they dwell mostly even now , wondering why me? Its much hard to accept the things and let go as it never stops bothering us. It takes no time to fall in love but falling out of love? Doesnt this feeling scare you? Falling out of love may even take lifetime in some cases. They say time heals, I dont deny but the truth noone awares you about is the fragile heart you own afterwards, always afraid of falling in love again. They dont tell you its completely normal. Hence, you need not question yourself always, go on and just take ur time.

I also have come a long way accepting the things that have broken me deep inside, but the fear of falling in love still resides deep down in my heart and maybe thats completely a normal thing. Yes, even now I am afraid of falling in love;I am afraid of seeing myself into pieces; I am afraid of going through all those meaningless sleepless nights again; I am afraid of those haunting recurring dreams where I find us together, always; I am afraid of losing myself again in the process of loving someone else. Yes, my heart is still vulnerable towards love. I am experiencing the result of "loving someone more than myself and living my life fullest at the present" which is now barely a past I want to erase, the past full of memories haunting me every single day and night,where I just can't help myself stop roaming around there. They also said "the harder you try to forget, the more difficult it will be, so dont try" And, since then I have always let my past find its way whenever I tend to remember and guess what, it has been a lot easier. Forgetting is really hard. I do have started dwelling a lot more in my past recently but this time not hating it completely instead trying to accept it, this is what making a complete difference in my life.

No doubt love is a wonderful feeling, but the disaster it causes in someone's life when it fails is beyond any imagination. "You should take the risk, give it a chance" - many people suggest but are never by your side to catch you while you are falling hard. I have also taken many risks but now I dont feel taking risk is my cup of tea, I have turned into coward(as he says) when it comes to loving someone with all my heart.I had really hard time controlling myself those days making me stand strong today, although with a fragile heart but what about those person who are way far more emotional than me, I wonder. Probably, those are the people who are in the verge of taking their own lives, for totally unworthy people who treats you nothing more than a trash when in real you are a gem. A gem that dont stop to shine even in the toughest time. YES, YOU ARE A GEM though you own a fragile heart afraid of falling in love again but thats completely fine, you will find your way sooner or later till then never compel yourself for the things you dont deserve merely because of loneliness. Dont ever settle for less. ❤