My Brain

My Brain




it has been a long rough road for me and things are finally looking up and in the positive direction. From childhood until the present day i have been through a lot and when i say a lot i mean a lot. Now i know that there are people out there that have it way worse than i do but things got pretty rough for me. The passing of my sister to me not having my kids with me. Every single thing that has happened in my life has happened for a reason. What the reason is i don't know but the answers behind all the questions i have to ask i may never get and i have to except that. It is funny how in life things work out. It is almost like some people are given the hand where they never get into trouble and then there is me. Doesn't matter if Iwas protecting myself or if I was just being plain stupid, the results have all been the same. I have always felt like i have been looked down at and why for what reason. Another question I may never get the answer to. These are things I think about all the time. Why me? Funny thing is i am not alone in asking that question. Bad luck bookmarks came and get them i sale all kinds. Hahahaha that was supposed to be a joke. Now i know you are all probably like what is she talking about, and that joke wasn't funny it was actually pretty stupid! It's ok I get it my sense of humor can be pretty rough but it sure the hell isn't dry, just a little wet and on the dark side. Don't worry you can all put the sandpaper away and use regular toilet paper to wipe your asses. Ha another joke. I am trying to lighten up the mood before i get too deep into my journey on my way to the sucess that i have right now. It may not be much to you, but it is a whole lot of something to me.
My life has never been all peachy keen! You know those fuzzy fruits that taste delicious! Well, my life is like that moldy piece of cheese that no one wants to even be around. Throw it away throw it away people say. I say that because throughout my life i have been put on the back burner and forgotten about. Lucky me that mold became my friend. Sad, I know, but i am used to it. I wouldn't be me if that didn't happen to me. I have been able to sit back and observe people and how they are. I know that each and every one of us is unique in our own way, and that is what makes us all special, but i do have a gift. What is my gift i don't know? I am still trying to figure that out. Maybe it is the gift to make some people laugh or maybe it is the gift to make people pissed off who knows.
When i was younger i had lost my sister to a drunk driver. She got hit head on and thrown over top of the truck and when she landed on the ground, she cracked her head open. One minute she was there and then the next she was gone. I remember clearly that night hearing her call out my name, so me being only 5 years old was like my sister is back. So, i went to look for her. Unfortunately, she was nowhere to be found. It broke my heart and even though it has been 30 years since her passing I still hurt. The thing that sucks the most is that my family can't open up about it, but have no problem shooting me down and making me feel like shit because I want to talk about her. What they don't understand is just because they don't talk about things doesn't mean that i am the same way. I know that after my sister had died, I became invisible to a lot of people. It broke me apart because i felt like i wasn't important to anyone. Unfortunately my best friend was the voices i was hearing and the i want to say people but not people i was seeing. As a little kid you think that it is normal and that hey everyone can see and hear what you do. Nope i was terribly wrong. About 6 years ago i was diagnosed with Schizoaffective bipolar disorder. No wonder why i have been seeing and hearing things that other people couldn't see or hear. Before i found out that i had that i was going completely crazy!!! Maybe i am crazy and people are just too scared to tell me the truth lol. I really think i am onto something! Just kidding. I just have a few marbles loose up in my head. I think i lost some of the screws that were holding my brain in place. Need to go to the store now and buy some screws and a new brain, one that functions a lot better or is at least somewhat normal. The things that come to my head i swear.
I know that i am going to be jumping from one thing to another a lot but i want to give you a little look on how my brain works and the things that run through my head. It will kind of give you an idea of who I am. Some not so happy things, somethings that are just plain weird, and somethings that don't make sense. There can be some happy things as well. It really depends on how my brain is wanting to feel in the time that it is at. I swear i have a million and one things that go through my head constantly. I wish that there was a switch to flip so i can put it on slow motion because that would be so nice. At first i titled this writing my journey but then i got to writing and i felt like that wasn't the appropriate title for this writing. I know that it is all over the place and there are several things that i have been writing about so i titled this writing MY BRAIN. Sometimes i don't get how my brain works and why it thinks the way it does. I am trying to do research on my mental health to get a better understanding of it so that way i don't have so many questions to ask. There is nothing wrong with doing your own research to get answers. You can either like me or you dont like me it is your choice. i try to have fun with my downfalls in life and try to lift other people's spirits up. i have been in treatment since last October and it has taught me a lot about self-awareness and self-positive talk. I have been motivated to do so and be aware of my surroundings and try to be as positive as i can be. One of my coping skills i like to use is sense of humor. I feel like the world needs more of it. Now like i have said earlier my sense of humor can be kind of dark but i find it to be really relaxing. Just being able to put a smile on someone's faces makes a whole world of difference. Wouldn't you say? I remember this one time when my brother and i were younger we used to fight all the time like brothers and sisters do with each other. Well I got tired of him pranking me and always being the first to get me so our mom had told us to go clean the shed out. Well i got in there first and was moving stuff around and found a paint can, I lifted it up and noticed that it was empty so i called my brother for help. What he didnt know was that the paint can was empty LOL. As he walked in the shed i asked him can you get this paint can because it is to heavy for me to lift. I knew at the moment once he found out that it wasn't heavy and it was empty, he was going to be pissed off. Well he proceeded to lift the paint can as if it were heavy and as soon as he grabbed it and lifted it he flung his arm back over his head and his feet came out from underneath him. Omg hahahaha all i could do was laugh and say now you see how it feels and then i ran off because i knew that he was going to come after me. That is one of the moments that i will never forget ever. To this day i still laugh about it. My brother is an amazing person and although we dont exactly get along all the time i learned how to be funny from him and then some. I like to be sporadic and weird just to put a smile on someone's face. Look out here comes Misty's brain. You never know what you are going to get when it comes to me. I really do try to keep it as positive as possible. It is almost like my brin is wired different and has to be weird in order to be truly happy. Not all people can except that but that dont really matter now does it. I am me and i am learning to love who i am no matter what anyone says about me.
It is a hit and miss with people as well but thank goodness i am not taking people with a glass of water you never know what you are going to get. Just kidding. To me people are just like medication that you take. They dont always work out or fit your needs. That is like all the poisonous people that are in your life it is like your drug of choice. it is only going to drag you down and poison you from the get-go. That is why there are different kinds of medication as well as people you have a choice to choose who is in your life and who fits right just like Medication not all is going to work right so you change it up until you find the perfect fit or combination. That is one weird way to explain things but i was able to explain it ok i hope. Like i said you never know what is going to come from my brain. I just wish that i could somehow hook my brain up to a big flat screen tv and show people what is going on inside on a day to day basis. Than again i am not sure that would be a good Idea. You can't change how your brain is wired but you can cope with it. Make the best of it by having a little fun with itand a lot of positive self talk. My brain as well as me as a person aren't normal. We are a little different and not very many people can except that at all because I think it scares them. Hey what am I suppose to do change for them. I dont think so. If they can't except me then i don't need them in my life.
I was joking around with my boyfriend which first of all i have to say is the most amazing man that i know. He definetly is my missing piece. There isn't a me without him. Anyways my boyfriend and I were making a gorcery list to go shopping and at the bottom of the list i wrote please find me a new brain. He laught and said NO. I kind of like your brain the way it is. That just melted my heart. No one has ever told me that. I have always been told that i need to change or i am crazy but never that they liked my brain the way it was. I couldn't believe it. We are like two peas in a pod we are just as weird as one another and we like it. He is the perfect mix of medication and the perfect combination to what i need in life. See i am a very playful person and when he plays back it makes me feel so good because i know that i am not alone. He is so amazing i cant say that enough. He came into my life at the perfect time. It wasnt a good time in my life but it was good once he entered my life. Our personalities mesh so well and that is so hard to find when it comes to two people being in a relationship. He has been my main support system besides all of the other people that i have supporting me in getting better. I have so much that i can say about him but i would be writing a book then hahahaha.
My point is my brain functions on a different level then everyone elses. I may not be book smart but i am smart in other ways. I am very open to ideas and willing to listen to those in need. I am caring and have a big heart. Nothing will ever change that and if you dont like me than please just walk away with nothing said because no matter how hard you try to change me and try to understand me, if you dont care than you wont ever get why i am the way i am. I am me and I love me for who i am. I wish my brain and i were normal for the most part but that wont ever happen. I have to understand and except that i am just plain weird but that is the new normal. My brain works in mysterious ways and thinks a lot, a lot more than i think it should. It almost feels like it is over working its self and it wears me out. I end up worrying about a lot such as things that i have no control over which then it flips the switch to my anxiety and makes my anxiety go. Panic mode. What the heck is wrong with me i dont know. This is were i tell my brain to work even harder to steer my brain and my thought process in the right direction. Leaving me exhausted and very tired. Sometimes i work so hard at doing that that i will get headaches and when i say headaches i mean really bad ones.
Unfortunitly i dont run off of battery life. I wonder what thatr would be like if i did. I wouldnt have to work my brain so dang hard to keep it focused and on the right paths. No if i ran off battery life i know i would catch on fire and start sparking up and i would burn out, that is how much my brain works. I think if i ran off of batteries they would only last about 5 minutes before they would need to be changed lol. I just done sucked all the juices out of my batteries haha. I know that if i had a different brain that i wouldnt be me i would probably be a whole different way and a different thinking process. With my brain the way it is makes me very creative and who i am. I may not function the way most people want me to but i really dont care. I am never going to be someone else and that is ok with me. I have been doing alot of positive self talk and trying to change the thinking process that my brain does. I need to be able to except who i am even with all my flaws because i am only human and i am not perfect. Yes Yes i may suffer from mental health illnesses but that doesnt make me a bad person it just makes me different and that is ok. I am glad that i am not like everyone else because than i wouldnt be unique. Moral to my writing is that no matter how different my brain and i are we will always be us no matter what goes on in life. Love your self the way you are